my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Saturday, February 20, 2010

I will not waste it.

My big push lately is to make life feel "normal." Altough, I am not sure what normal is supposed to feel like, I'm trying it out. I feel like normal people make dinner everynight. So, I have been cooking. I am not the world's best cook and in the four years we have been married Ken has cooked WAY more times than me. I have only messed up a few things, and on those nights we eat frozen pizza. Today, in my push to feel normal, Ken and I went and did a little shopping at the mall. Everywhere I looked there were pregnant women or women with three and four kids. We were at Shoe Carnival and the family in front of us had seven kids...yes, SEVEN! I just keep thinking why them and why not me? I want and have wanted to be a mommy more than anything else in this world. I don't want to grow bitter. That is my biggest fear. I know there was and is a reason. I just can't see it yet. I will always want to know why...but, I will wait for the answer. I don't want to be upset everytime I read someone's update on facebook that they have found out they are pregnant. I don't want to be mad athat it wasn't me posting it. I will not let myself grow bitter. I will be joyful for the 22 minutes I spent with my son. I will be joyful that I was and am a mommy.

I hate that a word? Ken always says I'm wasteful when we go to a buffet. But, in every other aspect of my life I hate being wasteful. I try to use the toothpaste down to the last drop. I make sure I have used every last drop of the shampoo. When I was a little girl and I would see things discarded on the side of the road and hope they had fulfilled their purpose before they were thrown out. I would see a tire and wonder what family it had carried. I would wonder how many miles it got to travel before it was left for the trash heap. I used to save shoes if they took me to special places. I word a pair of Nike tennis shoes in Europe and even after they were WAY out of style I kept them because they walked through the streets of Paris on my feet. I used to give all inanitimate objects life. I thought everything had feelings. I know better now. But, now my outlook has changed. I was given this life. I will not waste it. I will not grow bitter and hate the world because my deck of cards sucks. I will not sit around and wait on death. I want to continue to walk these streets. I want to continue to live this life. But, I am a changed woman. I lost my son. I have held him in my arms and now his ashes sit in an urn on my nightstand. That is not a fair statement. It wasn't fair that the day my son was born I had to pick out the music for his funeral. It is not fair that woman walk around with four and five children and never think twice about how hard some work to have a child. It is not fair that some people have kids and beat them or neglect them. It is not fair that I would have loved that little boy with every ounce of love that I have. It is not fair that I will never again kiss his face. It is not fair that I will not celebrate his first birthday. It is not fair that I will never watch him take his first steps. It is not fair that I will never get to sit up with him the first time he is sick. It is not fair that I will never see him go off to school. It is not fair that I will not see him on his wedding day. But, this is my life and I must continue living it. I mean if I was sad that a tire was thrown out on the side of the road as a small child why would I not live life now? I must make the choice every morning to climb out of bed and live life.

I'm not saying it is easy. Infact, the truth is it would be much easier to curl up and die. But, I can't. I will not. I will live this life that has been given to me. I will continue on. My son had 22 minutes. They didn't expect him to live outside of the womb at all. He fought for 22 whole minutes. I will make those 22 minutes mean something. I will live this life for him.

Deuteronomy 30:11-20
Now what I am commanding you today is not too difficult for you or beyond your reach.
It is not up in heaven, so that you have to ask, "Who will ascend into heaven to get it and proclaim it to us so we may obey it?" Nor is it beyond the sea, so that you have to ask, "Who will cross the sea to get it and proclaim it to us so we may obey it?" No, the word is very near you; it is in your mouth and in your heart so you may obey it. See, I set before you today life and prosperity, death and destruction. For I command you today to love the LORD your God, to walk in his ways, and to keep his commands, decrees and laws; then you will live and increase, and the LORD your God will bless you in the land you are entering to possess. But if your heart turns away and you are not obedient, and if you are drawn away to bow down to other gods and worship them, I declare to you this day that you will certainly be destroyed. You will not live long in the land you are crossing the Jordan to enter and possess. This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the LORD your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him. For the LORD is your life, and he will give you many years in the land he swore to give to your fathers, Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.

I will keep going. I will continue on. I will not waste it.


Terra said...

So honest and open! And it's very tough not to feel bitter, I think it's a part of the grieving process.

And I agree, it is NOT fair! And I too will never understand that part! I know sometime people want you [genearl you] to feel all happy and accept everything on faith. But the fact of the matter's NOT fair that a teenager can so easily get pregnant, have a child and barely pay any attention to him/her.

It is NOT fair that children are born into abusive homes and live a nightmare while a baby that would have been so loved like Trent is gone too soon.

It honestly pisses me off!

It's not sucks.....and no "right" words will change that feeling. And you know what, it's okay to feel this way! I think it makes us better humans to feel it, and then to take that feeling and understand somewhat what God feels. It gives us a new perspective on the sacrafice of His son for sure!

Only that I am so very sorry you have to walk this road :( And I love you both and am always praying.

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