my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Monday, February 22, 2010

if only it were that simple

When I was about five years old my dad bought his first convertible. I remember the day he got it he came to pick my brother and I up from daycare. We walked outside looking for his old car and he climbed into this shiny new car. I loved it. It was brown and I remember it being super fast. That day he came to pick us up we went for a drive with the top down. My brother and I sat in the back seat. When I was little I had this wonderful pink blanket with giraffes on it. It had silky trim on it and I loved to rub my fingers on. I carried that dumb blanket with me everywhere. I loved it. My big brother was not always very nice to me and that day he decided that I was too old to have a blanket. He ripped it out of my hands and threw it out of the car. I wish I were kidding. It was gone forever. I was pretty much traumatized. I remember the next day I woke up and looked everywhere for it. I kept thinking I must have dreamed him throwing it out of the car.

A few years ago I told that story to my youngest sister Bridget. She cried. She has such a big heart. On my next birthday she gave me a pink blanket with silk trim. She had thought all year about that blanket. I love that girl. Isn’t it funny how some things can just be fixed with a simple gift. I don’t miss that other blanket anymore because she gave me a new one that means more than the first one. She took all of the amazing pictures of Trent. I can't even begin to explain what a gift it is to have hundreds of pictures of him. I have talked to so many women who lost their babies who only have one or two blurry pictures. Bridget gave me such a gift in that pink blanket and with the pictures of my son. I love that girl. I know that anyone that knows us would buy us a pink blanket today if it would fix our broken heart. I wish it were that easy. But, walking with me and praying for us is helping more than you can know.

Yesterday I would have been 28 weeks pregnant. As I move through these days and weeks that should have been filled with doctor’s appointments and sonograms my heart is heavy. I think about Trent all the time. I think about how Ken and I were planning our lives around this little boy. We have never been parents and we knew we were in for a shock. But, we were ready for it. I have been searching for ways tangible ways to remember my son. I want things around that remind me of him. I never stop thinking of him…but, I want to make sure I keep it that way. Ken bought me a beautiful ring for Valentine’s Day that has a big garnet in the middle (Trent’s birthstone). I ordered a beautiful plague from a sweet lady on Etsy. It has Trent’s name on it and a beautiful verse. I hung it up in my bedroom this weekend and cried. I looked down on my night stand and there were my son’s ashes. I want to still have him kicking inside of me. I want to still know he is on his way. I wanted to be hanging his name on his nursery door. Instead, I am hanging his name on my wall in a memorial to him. I hate this new world. I hate this new life. But, I will keep pressing forward.

Ken and I have been cleared medically to start trying to have another baby. I don’t want another child to replace Trent. I want another child because I want to be a mommy to a baby here on earth. I want to know what it feels like to leave the hospital with a child. I want to know what it feels like to have Ken strap that carseat in for the first time. I want to make that drive home at 5 mph because he is too scared to hurt the baby. I left the hospital the last time with just a memory of my baby boy and a broken heart. Please join us in prayer for another baby. I want to become pregnant right away. It took us four years last time. I don’t think I can handle that.

I will keep pressing on. I will not give up hope.

2 Corinthians 4:16 & 18
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. . . . So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
Thank you, God, that I don't have to strive in my journey, because You have already provided the grace I need to make it. Amen.

The sign that would have hung on his nursery door. It would have been a wonderful day to bring him home to that room.


bridget said...

i love you so much!

Terra said...

The plaque is beautiful and the ring sounds beautiful as well!!

Many prayers as you TTC!!!!!! I am so looking forward to that update that reads...."WE'VE BEEN BLESSED, WE'RE PREGNANT!"

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