my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Thursday, February 18, 2010

life. is. fragile.


Until you have seen death, touched death, tasted death...you can't understand how precious life really is. The day that my son died the hospital room was filled with the smell of infection. That infection is what killed him. That infection brought on my early labor and that early labor was the reason I don't get to have him here with me. I think about that smell sometimes. I think about the sickness it brings to my stomach. I smelled like it for a few days after I gave birth. The infection was still in me so each time I went to the bathroom that smelled stayed with me. I have Trent's outfit that they put him in in the hospital. I have the blankets he was wrapped in. I put them in a Ziploc bag so that I didn't lose the smell of him. The smell of death. In the days after he died I felt such a grief and pain I didn't know I could feel. It was so real and so heavy that I literally could taste it. It was the taste of death. The pain would come up from my heart and I could just taste it. If you have never lost someone or never experienced this deep pain you may think I am crazy. But, I could taste it. It filled my whole mouth. I didn't eat much in the days after his birth. I couldn't. I had eaten to sustain his little life for the past 5 and a half months and I could bring myself to eat if it wasn't sustaining him. I lost 16 lbs in the week after he was born. (which was fine I could stand to lose 116) But, that taste of death stayed with me all the time because I wasn't eating. Sometimes when I think of him that taste returns. I held Trent's little body all day that day he died. I kissed him a hundred times. Each time my lips touched his tiny, beautiful, perfect face I felt his ice cold skin. You know when it is freezing outside and you push your nose down so you can feel it on your lips? That was what my son's skin felt like. I can push my nose down now and feel his cold dead skin. I have seen death. I have tasted death. I have held death. I have felt death. I have smelt death. And, I'm sill here. You know who else has been there...my Jesus. My Jesus hung on that cross. He felt them nail Him there. He tasted His blood drip down his brow from the crown of thorns. He has been there. And He did it for me. He did it for my son. He did it for you. So, I will continue to morn for my baby boy. I will continue to cry for him. But, I know He is in heaven because of my Jesus. I love my son for everything he was. I love my son for everything he could have been. And I love Jesus for taking him home.

Luke 23:44-49
It was now about the sixth hour, and darkness came over the whole land until the ninth hour, for the sun stopped shining. And the curtain of the temple was torn in two. Jesus called out with a loud voice, "Father, into your hands I commit my spirit." When he had said this, he breathed his last. The centurion, seeing what had happened, praised God and said, "Surely this was a righteous man." When all the people who had gathered to witness this sight saw what took place, they beat their breasts and went away. But all those who knew him, including the women who had followed him from Galilee, stood at a distance, watching these things.

He has walked before us. He has been there. He has tasted death. I will live for Him because He died for me.

3 comments:

Terra said...

Thank you for sharing this very personal and tough part of your journey with Trent.

This line sent chills through me....[in a Praise the Lord way!]

"And I love Jesus for taking him home."

Missy Culpepper said...

He looks a lot like Ken, I think.
Beautiful boy.
I can't wait to meet him in Heaven one day!

Anonymous said...

Dear Trisha,

It's Kristi Willis (Fleming now) I went to Seabreeze c/o 1997, I am sure you remember me. God brought me to your blog through facebook- found friend through a friend. May God Bless you and your husband. I was so touched by your loss and your blog. Keep your son's memory alive through this blog- and I will pray that you are able to get pregnant again. My heart is heavy for you but we know God has us ALL in the palm of his hand. I will continue to pray for you and your family. Much Love, Kristi

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