my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

little Nike's

Psalm 139:13-16
"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."
Last Friday morning I was at church. I saw this mommy holding her adorable son. He was blonde haired and looked about six months old. I just watched him for a little while. I noticed his tiny shoes. He had on the cutest pair of Nike's. I walked away thinking, "I will never buy my son his first pair of shoes." If you know me you know how much I love to shop. If you don't lets just say if I could be a professional shopper I would be. Shopping is my favorite thing, and shoes are one of the favorites to buy. We had our third ultrasound on December 21st. It was at that time that I learned I was carrying a precious baby boy. The name had already been decided, Trenton James. Trenton because Ken wanted a strong name and James is Ken's brothers name. I had begun shopping for the baby but, of course was waiting to do the major shopping until we found out if we were having a son or daughter. We left just three days later for our trip to Florida to celebrate Christmas with my family. I was hospitalized during that trip. I never got to shop for my son. I never got to buy him his first pair of shoes. I had someone say to me, 'At least you didn't get to know him.' My response was, "okay." My thought was...think about your first born child. Think of your favorite moment with that child. Think about the sound of his voice. Think about what it felt like to nurse him to sleep. Think about those nights you were up with him because he was sick. Think about his first day at school. Think about his first crush...those are the moments I missed. I didn't get to know my son. I never got to buy him his first pair of shoes. I hate it. I hate every part of it. Hot, mad tears are rolling down my face as I type this. But, I hold onto the truth that God formed me in my mothers womb. He ordained MY days and Trent's. I got to hold that precious little boy for 5 and a half months inside of me. I loved him from the moment the little stick had two lines. I prayed for him and thought of him non-stop. But, God already knew his little life. He knew Trent would only have 22 minutes with me. He knew I would only have 22 minutes with him. The funny thing is that I can now see how my whole life lead up to this. I can see how every morsel of knowledge I learned about God built a strong foundation that would carry me through this. I picture my life now as a series of bricks I was putting together to build a path guiding me to Him. The moment I gave my life to the Lord...a brick added. The day I decided to pursue a degree in Christian Education...a brick added. The time a missionary came to my church and I saw faith in action for the first time...a brick added. The nights I sat outside my dorm room and watched the sun set and just talked to God...a brick added. The moments at camps when I felt God so close...a brick added. The hours I spent in the Word searching for truth...a brick added. The questions I asked to make sure it was real...a brick added. The times I doubted...a brick added. The times I was sure...a brick added. Each and every person God placed in my life to build me up...a brick added. I could not and would not be surviving this if it wasn't for this path that was ordained by Him. This verse in the Psalms says that He created my innermost being. He created every part of me. He knew what was needed to carry me through this. This is the hardest thing I have ever faced. My whole life I have wanted to be a mom. I just didn't know it would be this way. I never bought my son a pair of Nike's. But, I gave my son back to the One who formed me. I gave him back to the One who formed him. I will continue to praise my God. I will continue to follow this path he has laid before me...


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