my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

mommy talk

On the first Halloween Ken and I spend together we headed over to my parents house. Halloween had never been a big deal to me but, I really wanted to see my nieces and nephews dressed up. (And let's face it I finally had a man to share holidays with so I was going to soak them ALL up!) I am one of six children. Doug is the oldest and he has two boys; Mark and Vince. I am number two and Trent was my first born. Kristen comes third and she has two precious daughters; Lily and Ella (although on this Halloween Ella was still in the womb). Zach is next and he was a wonderful little man; Aidan. Cassie is the fifth born and she has Aubree...but, Aubree is only a month old now and on the Halloween we are discussing Cassie was only 16. And finally, last but not least, my precious amazing sister Bridget. (Bridget was 11 on this Halloween and very much into dressing up.) Okay, back to Halloween...Ken and I headed over to my parents house. We took pictures of all the kids. They were all dressed up so cute. We took tons of pictures and laughed at the kids. My parents were having a ball see all their kids and grand kids dressed up. My parents live in a neighborhood where the houses are pretty spread out. So, all the kids loaded up on the golf cart to start Trick-or-Treating. My parents followed behind them in my dad's two seat car. Where were Ken and I you ask??? We were left behind. It was our job to hand out the candy. Why? Because we didn't have any kids and had no reason to go. I remember that night so clearly. I remember sitting on the front porch of the house crying. I kept thinking this will be our life forever. I had already told Ken it would be nearly impossible for me to get pregnant and I really never thought it would happen. I sat on those steps and felt about the size of an ant. My importance in this family would only come with kids. It wasn't always this way. In fact, it was hardly ever this way. My family loves and accepts me. But, that night I felt left behind. I wasn't a mommy. I didn't need to be part of the group. The focus was on the kids and the mommies. I say all of that to say this...

Tonight was my first night back at church. I started working in the nursery at First Baptist Midland a year ago on 2/18. I have worked with some amazing women in that church. I have grown very close to them and really they are my family and friends here in Midland. They have been praying for us as we went through this awful time. They bought us meals when we got home. They have showered us with calls, texts and emails. These woman are my support group here and I had missed them. Tonight I went back. Tonight was hard. Tonight I cried a lot of tears. But, tonight I was Trent's mommy. Tonight the focus was on me because I was a mommy. I cried as I drove home tonight. I cried because I don't get to show off my son in the traditional way. I cried because I had people cry with me all night tonight. As I showed Trent's pictures they wept with me. As I told them how sick I was in the hospital the cried for me. Tonight I was Trent's mommy. In all my life I have wanted to be able to be in the mommy talk. I have wanted to be able to say, "my son or my daughter." But, I couldn't .... tonight I could. I have talked about Trent hundreds of times since he was born. But, tonight I was having mommy talk. Tonight I was sharing his story. Tonight I was his mommy. Tonight I was not just the woman who lost her child...I was the mommy. I had one woman ask me what I learned in all of this. I thought for a moment and I said, "I have learned that people are good." I haven't always felt that way. I haven't always thought the best in people. But, from these woman I have learned that people are good. Nina, Marilyn, Marinda, Kiley, Lori, Lynette, LouAnn, Kitty, Liz, Erica, and Amy. These people are good. They have renewed my faith, they have renewed me. And tonight they let me have mommy talk.

Hebrews 12 says, "Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with perseverance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus the pioneer and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God." These woman are my cloud of witnesses. People are good. People have walked with Ken and I in this. We have had people cry for our family, pray for our family, bring our family food. Just the notes and thoughts that come in on facebook continue to carry us forward.

People are good. Trent's little life gave me that. Thanks baby boy! Mommy, your mommy, loves you! I can't wait to hold you again...but, for now I will stay here...with these good people.


Terra said...

I am so glad that you have such great support! And that you are free to be a mommy and celebrate the life your son had while on his short journey on this earth!!!

amy said...

you will always be a mommy, no one can ever take it away from you! i know i have said it before, but you are a important part of our team and we value you! love you girl!

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