my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Sunday, February 21, 2010

my hope

After my son died I felt totally alone in the world. I felt like I must be the only person ever to have gone through this. I wish that were true. I wish no one else had to know the pain of losing an infant. I wish the world was a happy place with no pain and suffering...but, it is not. Anyway...back to the point of this post... after he died I cried...a lot. I could not sleep at night (I still can't always sleep). The pictures and thoughts of the hospital would race through my head. I would play the "what if" game forever. I wanted to sleep. I would get up after Ken had fallen asleep...my amazing husband hates to sleep without me next to him so, I always wait until he is sleeping to sneak back out of bed...I would go on the computer and read other people's stories. While I was in the hospital I had many many people email me websites and blogs to visit. One of those blogs lead me to my new favorite one...audreycaroline.blogspot.com. The writer, Angie Smith, is the wife of Selah singer Todd Smith. She is the mother of three beautiful girls and one precious angel daughter, Audrey. She started her blog a few weeks after learning her daughter had Potter's Syndrome. Audrey would not live outside of the womb for very long. I read her whole blog in a matter of weeks. I am still re-reading it today. Her story is amazing. I love the way she words things. I love the way her blog gave me hope. I remember in the first couple of days that I was reading we had a couple of different people staying with us. Ken's mom stayed for a few days, my mom, and then my best friend from GA came to stay. When I would get up at night to read I would cry. I would cover my mouth as I sobbed. She was writing what I was feeling. She was telling her story and it was my story. I hate to have people see or hear me cry...although these days it is not always an easy thing to hide. I hate letting people see me vulnerable. And, yet here I write my inner most personal thoughts... I have always been the strong one. I have always been the one to fix things. I can't fix this. I can't change this.

She posted something today that really hit home...
"I'm praying for you as you read this, asking the Lord to grant you wisdom in discerning where He is calling you to go out on a limb and tell His story, even if it feels insignificant."

22 minutes of life may sound insignificant. But, I'm going to tell His story through my son's story. I am going to claim the name of Jesus through this awful awful storm. I am just a girl in little old Midland, Texas sharing her heart and soul. I am just a person who lost a baby. I am just a woman who fell in love with my Savior years ago. I want to world to know that even in this storm I will praise Him. So, as the song says....Jesus bring the rain. This blog may just be a place for emotional healing for me. But, I pray as people read it they will see Him. They will see that my only hope comes from above. I will take my insignificant life and try to tell His story with it.

Again, I am not going to say it is easy. But, I will say this...the depth of my sorrow has changed me. I am forever a woman that lost her son. I will tell his story. I will tell His story. I hope you hear me. I hope his little life will mean something... I hope.

1 comments:

Terra said...

22 minutes can be an eternity (((Hugs)))

I am thankful and so appreciate that you are telling His story!! You are teaching me so much!

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