my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

my little world.

Tonight I was laying bed thinking about how it felt as if my whole world had fallen apart. I pictured myself standing in this big field with all these pieces around me and none of them could or would fit back together. Where would I start? How would I make it right again? At age 18 I knew my body was different. The doctor told me it would be hard if not impossible to get pregnant. At 26 I started trying to conceive with Ken and again the doctor told me that it would be nearly impossible to have a baby. I had tests run. We used drugs to assist us and nothing worked. At 29 Ken and I decided to pack up our life in Florida and start again in Texas. We were laid off from the radio station and I had spent a night in the hospital from a panic attack from the stress of the radio station. We knew it was time for something new. We came to Texas in hopes of a fresh start. We left behind a house we loved, my family, and most of all a job that enabled us to have a wonderful life style. When we arrived in Texas we let our big, fancy cars go back to the bank. We quickly learned how unimportant all of the material things were. We had each other and we had a chance to start again. We both found jobs we loved. We had stopped trying to conceive. We had started on the road to adoption. We knew we wanted kids and we thought that was the way God had for us to expand our family. In September we found out I was carrying our miracle baby. I get tears in my eyes now just thinking of the joy of seeing that little stick with two lines. It was the most amazing feeling of my life. I never thought it would be me. I had spent years thinking and praying maybe and now it was my turn. As that little life grew inside of me the joy continued to grow. Our lives truly had started again in Texas. That little baby was everything right in our lives. That little baby was our future. That little man that was making mommy throw up and yell at daddy was our new little world. He was our everything and he wasn't even here yet.

On January 5th that new little world came crashing down around me. The hours and days after Trent was born and died are still kind of a blur. I was a mess. I had lost hope to survive.

When I was about 19 my dad and I were walking on the beach. He and I did that every morning for about a year. We had amazing talks. This one morning we were walking along and came up to a crowd of people just staring at the ground. We walked up to see what they were staring at. There in the sand was a sting ray just flopping around. It had been washed up with the surf and now was left to die. All of these people were just staring at it dying. I just picked it up and walked it back into the on and all. I was soaking wet but I couldn't let it just die. I had to do something. Those days after the hospital were like that for me. I was just laying there. A fish out of water...what next??? My mom and Ken picked me up and took me back to the water. They pushed me forward and willed me to live. And now here I am still fighting for that life.

My world has crumbled away...but, I have hope and faith that God's not done with me yet. I was sick, very sick. I was six hours away from becoming septic. I had an infection that kills 100% of infants that contract it and many many of the moms. I was sick. And yet here I am. God spared me. He needs me. This new world. These pieces all around me...I have to pick them up. I have to figure out how to fit them back together. I have to figure out what comes next. I have to for Trent's sake. I have to because God spared me. He has a plan for me. What...I don't know. But, I can't give up.

I will take refuge in Him...until this destroying storm passes by me. He will carry me back to the water. He will save me from this.

Psalm 57 from the NRSV:

1.Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me, for in you my soul takes refuge; in the shadow of your wings I will take refuge, until the destroying storms pass by.
2.I cry to God Most High, to God who fulfills his purpose for me.
3.He will send from heaven and save me, he will put to shame those who trample on me. (Selah) God will send forth his steadfast love and his faithfulness.
4.I lie down among lions that greedily devour human prey; their teeth are spears and arrows, their tongues sharp swords.
5.Be exalted, O God, above the heavens. Let your glory be over all the earth.
6.They set a net for my steps; my soul was bowed down. They dug a pit in my path, but they have fallen into it themselves. (Selah)
7.My heart is steadfast, O God, my heart is steadfast. I will sing and make melody.
8.Awake, my soul! Awake, O harp and lyre! I will awake the dawn.
9.I will give thanks to you, O Lord, among the peoples; I will sing praises to you among the nations.
10.For your steadfast love is as high as the heavens; your faithfulness extends to the clouds.
11.Be exalted, O God, above the heavens. Let your glory be over all the earth.


Terra said...

Wow, that is one of the post powerful and poignant narritives I have ever read!

Thank you for sharing!

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