my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

my snow day

Yesterday marked seven weeks since he has been gone. Seven whole weeks. It seems like forever. It is hard to think that just seven weeks ago I was planning for my son. I walked through Walgreens today and ventured down the baby aisle (on accident) and just thought, "UGH!!" I was at church this morning and a lady gave me an invitation to her grandbabies baby shower. I walked away from her and teared up. All I could think was, "I am supposed to be having a baby shower!!" I think I am at the mad part of the grief. I have read all about the stages of grief and I do think they come and go very very quickly. But, today I'm mad. And, you know what?? I think that is okay. I don't think I need to be okay with this whole thing all of the time. I don't think I have to be Mrs. Cheery all day every day. I know that is what most people are used to. But, get over I'm PISSED!!

With the mad part out of the way...I want to share about the brief meeting with hope I had yesterday. I know I know it is going to sound like I am a little bit bipolar with the above paragraph and the below one...but, remember grief is strange like that!!

Yesterday marked seven weeks...I know I said that before. Monday night I was dreading Tuesday. I always dread Tuesday. I always lay in bed on Monday nights and go through that week in the hospital and play the "what if" game. What if I had noticed I was dilating and got to the hospital for a cerclage? What if I had not gotten the infection and I was still laying there? What if he could have been saved by the NICU? What if Ken would have been there to meet his son while he was alive? What if...what if...what if... I can play this game for hours on end. And some nights I do. It really bugs me. SO, Monday night I waited until I heard Ken peacefully sleeping and snuck back out of bed. I laid on the couch and just started reading all kinds of stuff on the internet. Midland was expecting snow that night but, alot of times snow is forcasted and we don't see it. But, that night when I went to bed I peeked out the window and the ground was already covered. It snowed all night Monday and by Tuesday morning we were covered it in. Have I every mentioned how much I love snow? Snow is magical to me. I grew up in Atlanta and we only saw snow every once in a while. When I was 15 we moved to Daytona Beach, FL and we NEVER had snow. So, living in a place with snow is fun for me. I woke up Tuesday morning and just thanked God. I know He gave me that little Tuesday miracle. Why was the snow a miracle to me? Sunday it was 70 degrees here in Midland. And Tuesday we were covered in snow. I walked outside Tuesday and just thanked God for His provisions. I hate Tuesday's. I dread them. But, on this Tuesday I had hope. As I looked around at the beautiful white blanketing the earth I had hope. I felt like the snow was God's way of saying, "see, I'm still here holding you. I've got this. I am not letting you go." This has been the most painful thing ever and my God is still here. I know it is silly to think the snow was just for me yesterday. But, let's just say I believe in a God that is still in the miracle business. I believe He is holding me and yesterday He showed me He is still right here. Some days I don't feel Him. Some days I just feel the pain. I know that is bad...but, it is true. I am human and I hurt. I am human and I am vulnerable. But, my God is still in the miracle business. So, yesterday I had hope for the future. I had hope that we will have a baby. I had hope that He will move again.

See...I just needed to write and now my anger has subsided. I feel much better.

He is holding me.

Healing will resume when I stop trying to accomplish it by my own strength. God will move through me with His power that far exceeds mine.

"He has said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.' Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may dwell in me" (2 Corinthians 12:9 NASB).

Lord, I need to be honest. The pain is unbearable. Give me the courage to be real with others and to embrace Your power. Amen.


Antoinette said...

Trisha,you posted this the exact day after my daughter was born sleeping at 36 weeks. that was the last snowstorm of the season. I call her my butterfly but that week she was a snow princess to us...she made it snow so that we knew she was still with us. I heard with snow and rain when there is a death it means the spirit was pure and happy...the day I buried her it snowed so hard (friday after) and we almost didnt make it to the can read the whole story in my blog...point was i will never forget that was the first and last time i held my little snow angel.xoxo

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