my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Saturday, February 13, 2010

ready to pop

I was shopping at Target yesterday...that in itself was a hard task...and ran into an old co-worker who was VERY pregnant. I said hello and asked when she was due. She said, "I'm ready to pop!" I was so jealous. I never got to say that. I just screamed from my hospital bed, "He isn't supposed to come yet!" She asked how my pregnancy was coming along and I just froze up. What do you say to someone who you don't really know? How do you say my son died? How do you tell a very pregnant woman with a cart full of baby stuff that five weeks ago your dreams came to an end? How do you say it? I said, "I had my baby and he died." She said, "Oh, sorry" and walked away as fast as she could. I don't blame her. She looked at me like what I had was catching. Maybe if she stood in that aisle too long she too would come to my bad fate. How do you tell someone you child is dead?

I never thought this was a journey I would be on. Infact, like I said before I truly believed you got pregnant and nine months later you brought home a baby. I didn't know as I struggled with infertility how many mommies were out there whose babies were already in heaven. I was so ignorant. I think that was good for then. But, now I know. Now I know the sad truth is 33% of pregnancies end without a baby in your arms. I know that my baby was a person and is in heaven waiting on me. I know that God already numbered his days before me. I know that there are other amazing woman who have come through this and have babies in their arms now. I have started combing the internet for other stories like mine. I have searched for support groups to know that I'm not the only one. I have talked to and emailed and read some amazing stories. All include heartbreak, all include a loss, but, not all include hope. There are some who walk through this not knowing our heavenly Father. How? I have no idea.

A few weeks ago I was watching Grey's Anatomy. If you watch it you will know what I'm talking about...a few weeks back Izzy came back to the show. She and Alex were in the Dr's room (I guess the break room) where the lockers all are. They were having a conversation about their life together. Alex said to Izzy, "We have made it to the other side." See they had been through alot in their short marriage. Izzy had cancer, she left him, she lost her job, and now she came back. They had made it through. I keep thinking about that scene. I want to make it through I want to be to the other side. Right now I am in the middle of this awful, dark tunnel. Death surronding me. Sadness. Memories of him kicking me. And hopes and dreams of our family. I want to get to the other side. I want to know that Ken and I can come out of this and be okay. I know we will. I continue to read stories and talk to woman who are. I know I will make it. But, for now I am here. God will carry me. He will see me through this. And one day we will have a family that includes a child here on the earth.

I love you baby boy. See you soon.

Mommy

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