Saturday, February 27, 2010
I haven't written in a few days because my heart has been so heavy. The thing is I feel like I truly don't have words to express it. (which for me is unusual) The emotions are so raw, so...I don't even know how to say it. I cry every single day. I hurt every single day. And every day brings something new. Lately, I have felt like it must have all just been a bad dream. I was never supposed to get pregnant. Maybe I just made it all up. Maybe I just imagined it all. But, no ... his ashes sit beside me. His memory forever with me. Maybe it would be easier to have dreamed it. Maybe it would be easier to not have to wonder about what his life would have been. My heart is so heavy. My tears so hot. They betray me my tears. I hate to cry in front of people. When the tears come I don't know how to stop them. I don't know where to put them. I try and just cry in my car or in the shower...places no one can see. I hate not being the strong one, the one who has it all together. I have learned I can't be that woman right now. I can't be the one who can do everything. I just can't anymore. Would I change it...yes. Would I go back and get pregnant again if I knew this was the end...that I don't know. How awful of a person does that make me? How selfish? I want to get pregnant again now. I want to have the cerclage and save the next pregnancy. I am a mess.
But, me being me I am trying to see the positive. I am trying to focus on the future. I am trying to hold onto the truth that God does have a plan for me. One thing I have struggled with lately is watching people hurt with me. I don't let people in very easy. I never have. I have always been friendly and had lots of friends. But, the letting them in to the emotional part of me... that is the hard part. And with this I am so open. The wound is so large I can't hide it. The hole is so big I can't help but let people see it. Romans 12:15 says, "Rejoice with those who rejoice, mourn with those who mourn." Maybe the best thing is to let people mourn with me. I have shared Trent's story with people and they have cried with me. People mourning with me. People caring for our little family. It is strange but, it is good.
Lean on me when your not strong. I'll be your strength. I'll help you carry on.
Today I will lean on You. This is the first time in my life I have felt like I could not just pick up the pieces and carry them myself. I need others and I am grateful that God has given them to me. Strangers who share the same loss, friends here and far away, family, and my husband. I will mourn my son.