my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

forever changed

On the day I graduated high school I refused to let myself picture myself walking across the stage. I spent the day getting ready for the big event...but, refused to picture it. I spent the morning at the nail salon. I have a little problem with enjoying being pampered. Let's just say if I could find a job that required me to live in a salon all day every day...I would be a happy woman. Back to the nail lady was painting tiny sandcrabs on all 10 of my lovely acrylic nails. Yes, I graduated from Seabreeze High School in Daytona Beach, Fl home of the mighty fighting SANDCRABS! Don't laugh...we were amazing. (and by amazing I mean less than average) Anyway, while the sandcrabs were going on my red nails I kept thinking "I'm graduating today!!" But, I would not let myself picture it. I am a very visual person. If I am going to do something I need to "see" it first. I have to have laid it out in my head to make it work. If it is a complicated thing I sometimes even make drawings of it. So, most everything that happens in my life I try and picture it before it happens. But, not this. This was the biggest event of my short life (up to that point) and I didn't want to mess it up by picturing it. I could not let myself ruin it. So, I kept not thinking about it all day. I remember sitting in my chair waiting patiently for them to make it through the 350 other people (my maiden also started with W so it took a while to get to me) and kept thinking "Okay, you are here take it all in."

I am like that with so many things. I need to have pictured what it should be like before I actually get to the event. And, not just with the big things. Tonight I made steak...I pictured all the way home from the grocery what the end result would look like. You could even venture to say I am a bit of a control freak. I like things my way. MY way. I can bend...sometimes. But, I like them my way. I need to have figured out the plan in my head before it happens.

The day Trent was born I was laying in the Labor and Delivery room and I kept looking over at the NICU bed they had brought in for him. I kept thinking "This can't be real. This is not how I pictured it." My husband was on a plane, my son was coming too early, doctors worried for my life. This was not the way I pictured it. But, it was happening. It did happen...and not by Trisha's plans. I could not have known the amazing feeling of holding my son. I am not sure there is a way to plan for that. If your child lives or dies when you first hold them in your arms you are forever changed. That tiny, perfect little boy that I made. Not according to my plan...but, His plan. I smile now just thinking about when they put him in my arms. I knew he wasn't going to make it very long. But, at that moment the whole world stood still and he was MINE. He reached out and took my finger. He felt my skin on his. He opened his little mouth. He stretched his little fingers out. I got him for 22 whole minutes. He was laying in his mommies arms. A mommy that when she was 10 weeks pregnant had already found his pediatrician. A mommy that found childcare by about 14 weeks. A mommy registered for gifts at about 16 weeks. A mommy that had lists of the things she needed for his life at home. A mommy that already had figured out her life with him in it. A mommy who is now figuring out this new life...without him. It all changed when they put him in my or death...he was mine in that moment. I could not have planned for it...pictured it...but, it was beyond perfect.

When I was a little girl my mom always carried around a notebook with her "to-do list" in it. That list never ended!! Of course she was the mother of six so that explains it. I used to love to read her lists. I loved looking at her handwriting. I guess it was knowing that she had it in control. I am sure most of the time she did not feel very in control...did I mention I am one of six...hello chaos!! But, those lists gave me a sense she had it. So, I guess I learned that need to chart my course from her.

My lists are gone, the baby stuff packed away, the pictures are hung, my son in Heaven. But, the one thing that hasn't changed is my God. He still holds me. What have I learned. I can't plan it all. I can't picture it all. But, I can hold onto Him. Today I have hope for the future. Today I know that God will provide a child for Ken and I. Today I will wait on Him with anticipation. Today I will let Him chart my course, make my "to-do list", picture my future.

Jeremiah 29:11-14

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the Lord

Here is what I know...I know that God could have saved my baby. I know that He could have chosen me to be Trent's mommy on this earth. I know that He is in control and I am not. I have to let go. I have to let Him. Yes, I could be angry that He took him away from me so soon. But, He gave me life. He gave my son life. I will not grow angry...I will praise Him in this storm.

Thank you Lord for this life and for these days. I feel like I'm barely hanging on...but, I know you have me.


Terra said...

Absolutely sitting here in tears! (((Hugs)))
And you are so right! It is an indescribable feeling holding your baby for the very first time!

The Blue Sparrow said...

So true, and this a lesson I've learned over and over for the last 7 months. *HUGS*

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