my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

from the beginning

Let's start from the beginning shall we?

And, I did try and keep it PG...but, we are all adults we know how babies are made right?

And, why so much info?? Well, I am sharing everything else with you why not how we got where we are today? I have gotten lots of emails about it so here it is...

Well, not the very beginning...but, the beginning of my journey to become a mommy.

When I was 18 my mom was reading an article about PCOS, polycystic ovarian syndrome. She read all of the symptoms and thought of course of me...her favorite daughter in the whole world (sorry Kristen, Cassie and Bridget you know it is true) She brought me the article and I read it and thought..."and." But, she scheduled a doctor's appointment for me and off we went. Doctors are not always the most friendly of people and don't always like to tell you everything. But, the doctor we saw ran a whole BUNCH of tests and agreed with my mom's diagnosis...PCOS. PCOS is: (as defined by the Mayo Clinic website)

Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) is the most common hormonal disorder among women of reproductive age. The name of the condition comes from the appearance of the ovaries in most, but not all, women with the disorder — enlarged and containing numerous small cysts located along the outer edge of each ovary (polycystic appearance). Infrequent or prolonged menstrual periods, excess hair growth, acne and obesity can all occur in women with polycystic ovary syndrome. Menstrual abnormality may signal the condition in adolescence, or PCOS may become apparent later following weight gain or difficulty becoming pregnant. The exact cause of polycystic ovary syndrome is unknown. Women with polycystic ovary syndrome may have trouble becoming pregnant due to infrequent or lack of ovulation. Early diagnosis and treatment of polycystic ovary syndrome can help reduce the risk of long-term complications, such as type 2 diabetes, heart disease and stroke.

I know that is long and involved but, there you have it. That is what I have. So, at 18 the doctors told me it would be very hard to get pregnant. At that point it didn't matter that much. I didn't get married until I was 25 so, I wasn't trying at that point. But, it was always on my mind. I have wanted to be a mommy for as long as I remember.

When Ken and I were dating I told him that I had the disease and that I might never carry any children. He has always said it was okay with him. He loves me for me...not, for my imperfections...isn't he amazing!

Normal treatment for PCOS is birth control. The birth control forces your body into submission...I mean to have a cycle. But, my lovely body kept rejecting or growing tolerant to the pill. The doctors kept having to give me different kinds, strengths, all kinds of stuff.

So, here we are newly weds and I am ready to get pregnant ASAP!! I mean hello I was 25 already...a late bloomer by many standards...and we were newly weds so we practiced making babies...A LOT ;) (sorry for the TMI but, you do know that is where babies come from right?)

Normally an infertility doctor will not see you until you have gone 12 months of trying to conceive and not conceiving. So, we practiced making a baby for 12 months and then FINALLY we were able to see a specialist.

The first doctor I saw said to me, "I don't think I can get you pregnant but, we will try. After all that is how I make my money." UGH!!!!! I cried all the way home. The next day I found a new doctor. They ran more tests on me and did an ultrasound. That doctor opted to start with Clomid which is a drug that forces you to ovulate. You take it for three months and each month the dose gets higher and higher. It kind of makes you a tad bit crazy. (and by tad bit I mean by the third month Ken was ready to marry someone else!) Three months...no baby. So, we took a break for a month or two and did the Clomid again. After Clomid we went on to Metformin...which is normally a diabetic drug but used with PCOS patients too. Did I mention insurance companies will not pay for infertility treatments? So, all of this was out of pocket and it is NOT cheap. 3 more months no baby. So, they scheduled an HSG. That is a very FUN procedure (can you see the sarcasm in my writing) where they inject die into you and watch it move through your organs to see if they work right. That test showed that my fallopian tubes and uterus could in fact make a baby. Good news...the first good baby news in years. So, then it was Ken's turn. He got to go and get his "stuff" tested. He was fine. It was all me...

Fast forward...we are living in Texas. We had given up on kids of our own. We started on the road to adoption. We had taken all the parenting classes, done all the paper work, and were now waiting on our home study so that we could be placed on the list...

and then two little lines.

I had peed on HUNDREDS of ovulation monitors, pregnancy tests, and never NEVER had a positive result ... and there in front of me two little lines.

He was our miracle baby. He was more than we could have hoped for. It just didn't go the way it was supposed to. So, why us? Why when we struggled for four years and then got pregnant out of the blue did we not get to keep him??? I don't know. I really don't.

But, here we are...and that is how we got here.

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