my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Friday, March 12, 2010

here i am

How did we get here? Do you ever wonder? What lead us to this point? Right here. Right now.

Have I mentioned before that I always plan, visualize, plan, visualize, plan before I make a move? Well, I do. Or, at least I did. When I look back on this road I can see so many defining moments that got me to here...but, how did I get here? I can only think of one time in my life I didn't feel like I knew what was coming next. I worked in youth ministry at a small Presbyterian church from the ages of 21-25. I left that church and took a job at Warner Southern College (now Warner University.) The year and a half I spent at Warner was some of my favorite times of my whole life. I had always wanted to go away to college. But, I was too scared. I went to a community college near home and lived in an apartment with my sister. I worked full time and went to night classes to get my AA. I started my Bachelor's degree online at Warner and finished while I was on campus. My mom always said, "You will never meet your husband taking online classes." She has always been a little obsessed with finding her daughters good husbands. Anywho...back to Warner. While I was there I made some amazing friends, learned things about myself, and finally fulfilled my dream to "go" to college...although I was working there I still lived in the dorms. But, I remember one night I was sitting on the step outside my apartment and thought, "what next?" I could not just be an RD forever. I had no idea what the plan was from there. It scared me. I didn't have a plan of what to do or where to go. Let's just say ... that didn't settle with me. I like to know what is happening, what is coming next. But, He already knew.

In that next year I would meet my prince charming. He would sweep me off my feet. We would fall madly in love. We would marry. And, we would live life happily ever after.

But, here's the thing it isn't happily ever after. For better or for worse. Here we are. But, how did we get here? That is the funny thing. When I look back at the almost five years Ken and I have been together I can see the steps we took...but, none of them explain this now.

There have been other moments that changed and shaped me. There have been other parts to my story that have hurt. But, nothing could have prepared me for this.

But, here I am.
Beat down.
And yet... I am Loved, Held, Supported, Carried.

This was never my plan...but, He has never left me. I gave my life to the Lord at an early age. I rededicated my life to Him at around 19. But, this has changed it all. It has changed the reason I live. It has changed how I love my God. It has changed how I love people around me. I can't really see how I got here because the road is so broken. But, I know I arrived because He carried me. I never knew you could feel sorrow this great. I have never lost something so precious, so dear to my heart. How do you not fall in love with this life you created? I know it may seem silly to cry every single day over a son that only lived but a few minutes. But, he was already mine. I loved that little boy. I loved hearing his heart beat. I loved seeing him at each ultrasound playing in there. I loved giving into his food cravings. I loved him more than I knew you could. He was mine and I will carry him with me forever.

I have fallen back in love with my Jesus through this. I don't know how or why but at some point over the last couple of years I had drifted. But, He was right here waiting on me. He never left.

So, here I am. But, what comes next? I don't know anymore. I had planned to be a family of three. I had planned for Trent. I am scared. I am scared that with the next pregnancy I will not fall in love so fast. I will hold my heart and wait. I worry that I will not enjoy being pregnant like I did this time. I worry I will lose that baby too.

Here I am. But, where am I headed next?


Terra said...


This so reminds me of the Katinas' song:

"I'm pressed but not crushed. Persecuted but not abandoned. Struck down but not destroyed. I'm blessed beyond the curse for his promise will endure forever. And His joy's gonna be my strength.

Though the sorrow may last for the night, joy comes in the morning!"

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