my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Sunday, March 28, 2010

here we go again

Can I just say this weekend was miserable?!?

I cried so much this weekend that I got on my own nerves! I mean I would cry and then stop think about some other pathetic little fact that is my life and cry some more. I would compose myself and then something else would pop into my head and yes, more tears. I got in the shower Saturday night and turned the water as hot as I could stand it just to feel something other than my heavy heart. I sat under the water until it ran cold. Ken was hunting this weekend so I was all alone with my thoughts. I have two dogs however the female dog is in heat. And, as much as Ken and I want a baby I don't want any puppies. "You should get her fixed" I know I should...however, I had an appt for her her the week after we came home from Florida...and well never made it to that appt - had a baby instead. I have never gotten around to making another day. So, I am keeping the dogs apart which means I didn't have them in my bed with me while I was crying. So, I was really alone. All my sisters and my mommy live in Florida so I couldn't have them come over...I was pathetically depressed about being alone.

I was watching a show tonight on this crazy man who had seven kids. He locked one of his daughters in the basement and kept her there for 24 years. He slept with her and she had seven more of his children. He took three of these kids upstairs to live with the rest of his family and left four of them plus the mom in the basement. 24 years. And, here I sat and least she had kids. HELLO, Trisha...this woman was locked up, forced to bear her fathers children, and he took three of them away from her. I think my compass on gauging life is a little off right now. I can't seem to put anything into perspective unless I relate it to parenthood. Strange I know...and yes, I do feel awful for her. It was only a split second I thought she was lucky to have carried seven kids...because then I remembered they were her father's kids. I need to figure out how not to compare everything to motherhood. I have said before...I had come to terms with not being a mommy and then all of a sudden I was pregnant. It is hard to get back there and the truth is I don't want to go back there. I don't think I can go back there. Because even though my title of mom is different than most I am still his mommy. I don't get to hear him say it. But, I will always bee his mommy.

I have to stop this cycle of beating myself up. I have spent the last 11 weeks focusing on my failures. (which if I was going to focus on them and name them I feel like there are many many many of them) But, again I'm not focusing. So, I went on Friday and joined a gym. I shopped tonight for all my low-carb foods. When I was first diagnosed with PCOS the doctor told me that the best diet for a PCOS woman was low carb and in the summer after I was diagnosed and followed that I lost 60 lbs. I will start working out again tomorrow. I will start focusing on the positive. I hate to be back at the beginning. I hate it. I really don't care so much about losing the is more about being healthy and feeding my body what will help get me pregnant.

I see our new RE on April 7th and want to walk in and tell her I am already on the right track. I have no idea what our treatment plan will be this time since I have now gotten pregnant. Before there was no way of knowing if I would or could get pregnant. Now we know I can...but, can't carry to term without assistance. We will see what she says.

I don't think the tears will stop just yet. But, I am going to try and stop laying around and feeling sorry for myself all the time. I am going to try and move forward a little.


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