my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Thursday, March 11, 2010

I miss my wife...

Yesterday, Ken told me he missed his wife. :( The old wife...the one who could make things happen, the one who laughed, the one who loved him first, the one who knew where she was going and how she was going to get there, the one who had fun, the one who was before all of this. I said I wasn't her anymore, I can't seem to find her anymore. He asked me to try. Today I did try. I tried to be that happy, joyful person. And, it was a pretty good day. Yes, the pain is still there. Yes, I still cried twice. But, I smiled. We went out to our favorite sushi restaurant. I got my nails done. I tried to be me. I think she will come back all the way one day. I think she is still in me. But, I am not sure I will ever fully be her. I am a mother now. I have suffered a loss so great that somedays I can't seem to swallow the pain is so heavy. But, today I found joy in the little things. I bought coffee and my favorite kind of creamer. I got a slice of lemon cake from Starbucks. I laughed with my kids at the preschool. Today I was her for a while...and it was nice.

I am a romantic at heart. The first time I saw Jerry Maquire I knew I would know my husband when he said the words, "you complete me." And, Ken said those to me before I even told him that was a requirement for marriage. And, yesterday he stole another scene from the movie (although I am not sure Ken has ever stayed awake long enough to see the whole thing) But, Jerry comes home from a long trip and says, "I miss my wife." It melted my heart on the big screen and even more so yesterday when the man of my dreams said it to me.

So, while I will continue to grieve my baby boy I will also try and be the old me. The one you all knew and loved ;).

Ken is a 9th grade science teacher and he starts spring break tomorrow. We were supposed to take our "babymoon" this week. You know, the last vacation before the baby arrives. Well, our baby has already come. I really didn't want to take a vacation next week. But, I sucked it up and was his wife for a few minutes and booked us a bed and breakfast about five hours away. We leave Sunday. I know it will be good for us. I know we will enjoy it. I don't want to leave the pain behind because then I feel like I am forgetting him. But, I want to see it as mommy and daddy taking sometime for them! So, next week I will try and be the old me. The one who had hope for the future...and who knows maybe we will make another little one while we are there...people always talk about their "vacation babies" right?

He misses her...


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