my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

my quilt

I talked to my mommy today. She called to say she cried when she read yesterday's post. She also said, "I don't think you are getting better honey, is your counselor a good one?" Oh, I told her the truth. I went off my prozac a week ago. See when I got pregnant with Trent I had gone off all my meds (prozac, allergies, metformin) the month before and amazingly enough I was pregnant the next month. I have always thought there was something to that...but, the truth is now I'm falling apart all over again. She says she lives 1400 miles away and can tell I'm not doing very well. I want to get pregnant again so bad!!! But, they doctors say it is safe to get pregnant with Prozac. I hated the way it seemed to numb my feelings...but, I guess it was letting me live life again. I called my refill into Walgreens...I can't disobey mom. So, maybe I will start to move forward again. I really hope so...because I have been hanging on to this cliff of despair with just a thread....and let's face it I'm a big girl for that little thread to hold up. (see the old me with a sense of humor is still in there)

I want to share a story I found this week:

A Quilt Story

Once upon a time there was a family with seven daughters. All were charming and fair and very close to their family, especially their grandmother. She was wise, delightful woman who had taken the time to be with each granddaughter and loved each one immensely.

When the eldest daughter turned twenty, the grandmother showed up early in the day to greet her with a beautiful package---a large box covered in white shiny paper and a sparkling gold bow. The granddaugher ripped open the package hastily and uncovered a priceless treasure. Underneath the tissue was a linen quilt, hand-stitched with homemade lace, applique and with her name embroidered in silk. All of the daughters were amazed and the birthday girl cried as she hugged her grandmother who had put so much time and love into this masterpiece.

As the years passed, each girl received a quilt on her 20th birthday. Most of the granddaughters cherished the gift but several took it for granted and neglected to care for it as they should. But the next to the youngest daughter, who had quite a special relationship with her grandmother, longed for the day she turned twenty. She had spent hours dreaming of her quilt and sharing her plans with her grandmother. She planned to save her gift for her wedding day and then to use it on her first bed. Later she would pass it on to her children and they would pass it on to the next generation.

Finally the big day arrived, her 20th birthday. Sure enough the doorbell rang and in walked her beloved grandparent. But instead of a big beautiful box, she had something unexpected in her arms...two long wooden beams and a stack of material. With a warm hug, she whispered to the child, "I have something extra special for you!" The granddaughter felt her face flush and her heart sink - where was her quilt? The grandmother explained, "I want to teach you so many things, not just about quilting but I want this time together to share with you the wisdom of my years. Let's work on this together." The young girl feigned appreciation, took the gift, and quickly went to her room where she sobbed uncontrollably. She was so angry and disappointed. She threw the quilt frame and scraps into the corner, covered them with an old blanket and vowed that she would never accept this.

There were so many questions running through her mine. Why did her grandmother pick her? She hand't made the others work for their quilt. Did she really consider this a gift? And the other sisters - ugh. It seemed they would all feel sorry for her now. Why? Why? WHY? When se was the one who had taken care of her grandmother last spring? Why, when one of her sisters had even lost her gift at college last year/ Worse yet, as the days wore on, no one seemed to understand and she avoided it all - the items under the blanket in the corner and her grandmother, who visited often asking her when they could get started...

Why do I have to work so hard for my gift of a child? Why did my first born only get 22 minutes on this earth? Why do so many woman have children with no thought and then take them for granted?

I don't know.

Don't worry mom...I'm off to Walgreens now...I will try to climb back up.


Anonymous said...

Take care of yourself; I'm thinking of you.


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