Monday, March 8, 2010
For the record: I don't error proof my posts. Ken pointed out to me tonight that I make a lot of grammatical errors...sorry!!!
I love my slippers. I love them so much that the second thing I do when I get home is find them. (the first thing is I take of my bra...TMI) I say "find" because my dog is always dragging them off. I have a favorite pair. They are molded to my feet. They fit me perfectly. The keep my feet warm and they keep those pesky sand spurs out of the bottom of my foot. I have four or five pairs...but, on must days I wear my red ones with stripes. The others are backups for when my dog steals my favorite ones. The comfort they bring me...knowing they know me so perfectly.
Can I tell you something?
I will anyway...
I didn't want this to be my story. I didn't want to be on this journey. I never asked for this. I never dreamed it could even be like this. I wanted my son. I prayed for my son. I tried to do everything perfect during pregnancy. I hate that in 20, 30, 40 years the story will still be the same...my son died in my arms. There is no easier way to say it. I know that in 20, 30, 40 years the pain will lessen but, he will forever be my son. I am not sure I can or will ever find comfort in that.
My life used to fit. My life used to be filled with hope of the upcoming. My life ... is different.
The slippers bring me comfort.
This experience has changed me in countless ways. It continues to change me everyday.
My mom used to tell me it would all be okay. When I hurt she could fix it with a hug or kiss. She doesn't say that anymore. I don't think it will all be okay. I don't think that my mom lied to me. I think she truly thought things would be okay...but, that is not our story. My mom is one of my favorite people in all the world. I have always looked up to her. She has always been a pillar of faith that I strive to be. In the past year my family has been through more heartache than I thought was possible. Trent is only part of her story of heart ache from the last year. For a few months she was angry with God. I can understand why. The things we have experienced are not good ones. In fact the only good things in the last year have been my little sister's pregnancy and mine. They gave the family comfort. They showed us all there is hope for the future. My mom cries daily for my son. I hate that for her. I hate that she has to cry tears for me. I wish I could bring her comfort with a beautiful baby boy. I wish I could tell her it would all be okay. My mom told me about a week after Trent died she had a knock down, drag out, fight with God (my words not hers). She yelled and screamed at Him. She wanted, needed to know why? But, at the end of that yelling match with God she told me that for the first time in her life she felt Him speak to her. He said, "I will show you many miracles."
I take comfort in that.
Will my story one day include a child on this earth? I don't know.
Will my heart ever not feel so broken? I don't know.
Does he know how much I loved him? I don't know.
Why me? I don't know.
Why my son? I don't know.
Will his life touch others? I don't know.
Will it ever be okay again? I don't know.
But, in the end, He is still in control. He still knows every hair on my head. He sees my heart and knows my pain. He is Lord of all. He is.
I take comfort in that.