my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Saturday, March 27, 2010

sometimes i just don't know

I feel like I have a huge boulder on my chest. It is crushing me. I can't seem to breath under the weight of it. I can't move it. And, some days I don't want to move it.

2 months 3 weeks and 1 day since we said goodbye.

Move on already.

I can't. I have been trying. I can't.

I try to find things that will help me feel better.

I thought being "normal" would help. So, for a few weeks I made a huge production out of making Ken these amazing meals. It didn't help.

I thought shopping would help. Shoes and purses have always been a favorite of mine...twelve pairs of shoes and two purses later and I still don't feel better.

I don't know anymore. Do I wish it was me and not him? Every single day. I had 30 years...he could have had the rest. But, for some reason that is not the way God wanted it.

I tell Ken often these days he should leave me and go find a woman that can carry his children. It hurts to say but, I failed him. I robbed him of so much. He deserves better.

My therapist asked me to talk to a bunny this week like it was Trent. She asked me to ask him what he thought of me. I couldn't do it. I was scared of the answer. I failed him too.

But, this is what I would say to him if I could...

My dear sweet baby boy. I loved you from the moment I knew you were inside. I thought of you, talked to you, loved you more than I knew I could. I held you for such a short time. But, when I kissed your little lips I was complete. I loved you more than you can know. I fought for you so hard. I am so so sorry you came too soon. I am so sorry my body couldn't hold you in. I will carry you with me. I think of you a hundred times a day. I wonder what you would have been like. I wonder what your favorite color would have been. I want you to still be here. I know I will see you again. Love, Mommy

UGH!! I can't kick this funk I'm in. I want to feel normal again. I want to get over it.

I smile every day so the world doesn't see this pain. I feel like everyone wants me to just move on.

I pray through the tears that one day I will feel okay again.


lis said...

i cant tell you how much i identify with every little thing you are saying. i found you through butterfly mommies...your blog is listed right above mine in the early infant loss category. im so very sorry i had to find you that way :(
i wish it was different for all of us. i have to tell you that everything you are feeling is normal. NORMAL. i was there and i am still there some days, in that dark, sick, painful place. this grief is heavy and it is even harder to bear when others start to move on and we can't. my girls were born in october and i didn't even let myself believe it until late february. its just all so sad. i feel like i failed my babies too. but we have to remember that we didn't, our bodies may have but in our hearts and minds we would have given up anything to keep them here, even, as you suggest, letting them stay without us.

this is such a beautiful post and i so agree with you. the moment i saw their little faces i knew that they were why i was here. i never felt love like that in my life. never. im crying with you tonight and i hope you know that i think of little trenton too.

i live in trenton, nj :o)


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