I feel like I have a huge boulder on my chest. It is crushing me. I can't seem to breath under the weight of it. I can't move it. And, some days I don't want to move it.
2 months 3 weeks and 1 day since we said goodbye.
Move on already.
I can't. I have been trying. I can't.
I try to find things that will help me feel better.
I thought being "normal" would help. So, for a few weeks I made a huge production out of making Ken these amazing meals. It didn't help.
I thought shopping would help. Shoes and purses have always been a favorite of mine...twelve pairs of shoes and two purses later and I still don't feel better.
I don't know anymore. Do I wish it was me and not him? Every single day. I had 30 years...he could have had the rest. But, for some reason that is not the way God wanted it.
I tell Ken often these days he should leave me and go find a woman that can carry his children. It hurts to say but, I failed him. I robbed him of so much. He deserves better.
My therapist asked me to talk to a bunny this week like it was Trent. She asked me to ask him what he thought of me. I couldn't do it. I was scared of the answer. I failed him too.
But, this is what I would say to him if I could...
My dear sweet baby boy. I loved you from the moment I knew you were inside. I thought of you, talked to you, loved you more than I knew I could. I held you for such a short time. But, when I kissed your little lips I was complete. I loved you more than you can know. I fought for you so hard. I am so so sorry you came too soon. I am so sorry my body couldn't hold you in. I will carry you with me. I think of you a hundred times a day. I wonder what you would have been like. I wonder what your favorite color would have been. I want you to still be here. I know I will see you again. Love, Mommy
UGH!! I can't kick this funk I'm in. I want to feel normal again. I want to get over it.
I smile every day so the world doesn't see this pain. I feel like everyone wants me to just move on.
I pray through the tears that one day I will feel okay again.