my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

sponge bob

Here I sit another Tuesday. This one for some reason harder than the ones before. The tears have been flowing since I woke up. I think maybe because I am getting closer and closer to when he was due.

It is a beautiful day here in West Texas. The sun is shining, the winds are not blowing the dust (yet), and all is well...except me. I walked the dogs this morning and cried the whole time. I hate that. I wish I could figure out how not to.

I am one of six children (I know I have said that before) and all of us so different. I am the second but, first daughter. My baby sister, Bridget, who is not really a baby anymore...she is 16, is a lot like me. I have always seen it. I think it is funny because we are 15 years apart yet so similar in so many ways. A few years back my parents and Bridget were at Universal Studios. In the middle of the park there is a carnival know, you can play these games for a $1 and win cheesy stuffed animals. Well, this trip happened to fall in the time that Bridget was obsessed with Sponge Bob Square Pants. So, there was this one game that you could win a life size Sponge Bob. And, when I say life size I mean it was like 5 feet tall and 5 feet wide and weighed at least 100 lbs. It was crazy big. And Bridget HAD to have it. Let's just say when Bridget sets her mind on something she MUST have it. I will not say she is spoiled...I think I will call it determined (a lot like me) When I set my mind to it I figure out how to get it. So, Bridget HAD to have this silly life size Sponge Bob. My dad, oh my daddy, when one of his kids wants something so badly he always tried to find a way to get it. So, he played that stupid game for about an hour...spent over $100 on the stupid thing. But, they walked away empty handed. Bridget was heartbroken. She REALLY wanted it. While my dad was playing this young man one on for his girlfriend. My dad offered the guy $100 for it. He said "no way." He was so proud to win it. Did I mention the shear size of this Sponge Bob? He really was the size of a 10 year old child...and did you know Sponge Bob was rectangular? So, he was this huge, heavy, awkward, yellow, thing. Well, the guy walked away with this massive Sponge Bob and Bridget walked away empty handed. Did I mention it was probably 100 degrees outside...we are talking about Central Florida in the summer. My dad saw that kid a few more times in the could you not he was dragging a 100 lb Sponge Bob around. Well, every time my dad offered to buy it. He always said no. But, on the last time my dad ran into him...let's just say he was WORN OUT from carrying that stupid thing around all day. He gave it to my dad. The burden too much. He just gave it to him. Bridget was beyond excited. But, she couldn't even lift the thing so my dad was stuck lugging it around. They left as soon as they had it. How do you drag that thing around Universal? And, you can't rent a locker to put it in. What do you do with it? When they got to the car they could not even fit it in. Bridget was back in tears and I am sure my dad was yelling at her because he is now frustrated with this large Sponge Bob. What do you do with it? Where do you put it? Well, you really don't "play" with it. Bridget just put him in the corner of her room. And, there he sat...I think he still sits there. He will not fit anywhere else. He is so in the heavy. Where do you put him?

Yesterday, I had lunch with a friend. We talked for a while about his life and then he asked me how I was. And, I get lots of "how are you?" But, he really wanted to know. I told him I just couldn't figure out where to put the pain. It is so in the way all the time. It is bigger than I can even explain. Most days it just follows me around. I can't figure out where to put it. He said to me, "In five years it will not even matter." umh....hello my first born child lived 22 mins and then died. Yes, it will. But, I think I will figure out where to put it. I think right now it is as big as that Sponge Bob. Right now I am dragging this 100 lb yellow thing around in 100 degree weather. It wears me out. It drains me. It is all around me. And, on some days it is heavier than I am. But, in five years it will still be here...but, I believe I will figure out how to make it fit...where to put it. Remember how I said I visualize EVERYTHING...I picture myself putting the pain on a little shelf in my heart. I think it will be close to the front always waiting to be knocked open. But, it will be put away for the most part. I am not there yet. I am not even close.

I was emailing a friend in the last couple of days that has also suffered a great loss. She wrote, "It's easy to fool the world and make them think you have moved on and are healing. People usually don't want to get close enough to know the truth. They want you to heal. They want you to forget and move on." I think sometimes that is true. I think we all like the world wrapped in a nice neat package. The bow perfectly tied. But, right now my bow is off and the box exposed for the world to see. I don't write to have you feel sorry for me. I don't write so that you will carry this burden for me. I don't write because I think it will make it all go away. I write because sometimes I can't figure out how to say it. I write because it makes my heart not hurt so much. I write to tell his story. I write to tell His story.

But, thank you for walking with me. It means so much that people read what I write. I mean I am just this woman in Midland, Texas who lost her son. People hurt everyday. People lose people every day. People's lives are not perfect and my pain is no greater than yours. It is just that it is mine. I don't underestimate anyone else's pain. In fact up to this point in my life I have always struggled with feeling compassion for people. I have always felt like if you tried hard enough you could figure out how to just be "okay." But, I don't feel that anymore. My heart is so open as people email me their stories, tell me of their pain I feel it so strongly now. I cry with them. I hurt with them. And, I know so many of you have done that, continue to do that with me. Thank you. If you need someone to hear your pain I will...I will care. Please share with me if you need someone.

I know this is a VERY long post today...but, like I said today has been hard! I just have one more thought and I will leave you alone ;)

My uncle Danny is the pastor of Kessler Krest Baptist Church in Indianapolis, IN. If you are ever in the area you should look them up. It is a wonderful congregation of caring, loving people. My grandpa started the church years ago. My uncle took it over from him. I feel at home in that church. I didn't grow up in that church but I was there every time we visited. I was baptized there. I have always felt at home there. Anyway...back to my uncle Danny....when I was a young kid I spent a lot of time with my cousin Missy. It was the three of us...Kristen (the sister right after me), Missy, and me. We had so much fun playing. We lived in Atlanta and they lived there so it was not an all the time thing...but, when we did get together we had tons of fun. Danny had a recording studio in his house. And YEARS ago made a record. Yes, record. Not a CD a record. Missy pulled it out of us one time and we all giggled that there was her daddy on this vinyl album. But, she played it and one of the songs was, "People need the Lord."

Everyday they pass me by,
I can see it in their eyes.
Empty people filled with care,
Headed who knows where?

On they go through private pain,
Living fear to fear.
Laughter hides their silent cries,
Only Jesus hears.

People need the Lord, people need the Lord.
At the end of broken dreams, He's the open door.
People need the Lord, people need the Lord.
When will we realize, people need the Lord?

We are called to take His light
To a world where wrong seems right.
What could be too great a cost
For sharing Life with one who's lost?

Through His love our hearts can feel
All the grief they bear.
They must hear the Words of Life
Only we can share.

People need the Lord, people need the Lord
At the end of broken dreams, He's the open door.
People need the Lord, people need the Lord.
When will we realize that we must give our lives,
For peo-ple need the Lord.

People need the Lord.

I always remembered that song...we need the Lord. At the end of broken dreams, He is the open door. I am the end of my broken dreams...and He is all that I have to carry me.

Danny sang this song with his wife Vicki in church when I was a teenager and I remember crying way back then...I knew those words were powerful...I just didn't realize how powerful until now...

now...all the grief I feel...

He is.

Here is Ray Boltz singing it...not my uncle :(


Terra said...

((((huge huge huge HUGS)))

I honestly can not believe that he told you it wouldn't matter in 5 years! That is just terrible.

Some 2000 years after Christ's own death and resurrection WE [All Christians] have not forgotten and it DOES STILL matter!

He IS your son! Though not on earth now, he is still your son with the great I AM! It mattered, it matters, it WILL continue to matter. Trent's life touched so many on this earth and still continues to do so. The Lord works in mighty ways. HE [Trent] matters!! And HE [God] matters!!


You are more than a girl in Midland too :) You are a wonderful woman with a broken heart that DESERVES to be heard and always deserves and compassionate, sympathetic and empathic ear and shoulder to cry on! Even if it goes 1 year, 3 years, 5 years, 10 years, the rest of your life!

There is no shame in sorrow and no time limit or right way to grieve and sort through feelings! Don't let anyone tell you any different!

You, he and HE all matter!

Love you girl!

klarsen said...

Wow. What a beautiful post. I love the way you described your pain and not knowing where to put it. I sat here nodding in agreement. (I even got a laugh visualizing your father trying to put it in the car in frustration :)) But the truth is we can't stuff our pain into a place it doesn't fit. We will find that spot, though, someday.

Lots of love,
Katy xxxx

Anonymous said...


You don't know me but I found your blog through a mutual friend Jodi Davis. I lost my son Garrett Ethan nearly 8 years ago he was three weeks old (he was born at 26 weeks).

Reading your posts brings back so many memories for me. Your thoughts and feelings are the same things I went through. Eight years ago and thinking/talking about Garrett still hurts and brings tears to my eyes. I hate to tell you but it doesn't get any easier. However, you will find a place to put that grief and move forward just a piece of you will always belong to Trenton. You are forever his Mommy.

I am so happy to see that you are a Christian because relying on your faith will get you through. I know it got me through some really tough times. Please know I am here to talk if you want. I included my email below.

God Bless You!


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