my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Friday, March 5, 2010

take a deep breath...

Today has been a rough one. And, I don't know why. I wish I knew why some days are better than others. But, today has been bad. I have cried a lot today. I feel helpless today. Somedays I feel hopeful for the future. Today I can't get there. Today is just plain old despair.

With that said...I want to say this... I was at church this morning and ran into an old lady that works in the nursery area with me. She is a woman who definitely looks at the glass half empty. When she first heard my son died she was mad at God. She always has something she needs to whine about. (I know you are thinking..."that is the pot calling the kettle black" but, believe me before all of this I used to be a much more positive person and I'm working on getting back to that) Anyway, this morning she asked how I was. (WHY does everyone ask that??? baby died how do you think I am?) I politely answered, "fine." (my normal response to that question) She proceeded to tell me, "You know sucks and then you die." I agreed with her and just walked away. I thought about that as I drove to my next meeting. Yes, my life sucks right now. But, I don't want to turn into her. I don't want to be this bitter old woman whose husband left her, kids live hundred of miles away, and she works making $8 bucks and hour with no one else to support her. I will not be her. I will not let myself grow bitter. Yes, life is hard at times. But, there is a lot of good too. Like: the day I met Ken on that blind date, the day I graduated college, the day I married my best friend, the day all of my nieces and nephews were born, any time I get to spend one on one with my mommy, the times Ken makes me list could go on and on. There is a lot of good in this life of mine. And, you want to know what else???...I believe there is a lot more to come. So, no I will not agree with "Life sucks and then you die." I will MAKE it good. Yes, I cry a lot right now. Yes, my son just died. But, I will not let this life suck.

I started seeing a grief counselor a few weeks after my baby was born. It has been strange...spending an hour a week just talking about me and my problems. Today we talked about my guilt. Yes, I feel guilty about what happened. I know that I could not have controlled it. I know it is not logical to feel guilt. But, it was my body that failed him and sometimes I want to not be logical. How do you not feel guilt when it was your cervix that dilated too early? How do you not feel guilty when you child never got a chance because of your body? I feel guilty about everything he will never have. I feel guilty for taking away Trent's life from Ken. I feel guilty that other people cry for me. I feel guilty that both of our families grieve the life that he never got. I feel guilty that .... well, I just feel guilty about a lot. I looked up the definition of guilt (yes, I'm kind of a dork) and this is what it said:

Main Entry: guilt
Pronunciation: \╦łgilt\
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, delinquency, guilt, from Old English gylt delinquency
Date: before 12th century
1 : the fact of having committed a breach of conduct especially violating law and involving a penalty; broadly : guilty conduct
2 a : the state of one who has committed an offense especially consciously b : feelings of culpability especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy : self-reproach
3 : a feeling of culpability for offenses

a sense of inadequacy...that about sums it up for me. So, today I feel guilty. But, tomorrow I am going to try and stop feeling that guilt. I am going to try and understand that it wasn't my fault. But, you want to know something??? Sometimes I think it might be easier if someone was to blame.

So, for today I will take the blame.


Karen said...

Oh, my heart hurts for you....
Just keep leaning on Him and talking and writing...
Hugs and more hugs...

Kristie said...

Sometimes these feelings come on, and we can't even understand why. Anniversaries are tough, even if we don't notice the day is happening. yesterday was 2 months for you. I didn't even realize some of my special dates until the day seemed to really stink and i was like what is up with my mood today? Then I looked at the date, and I'm like, oh, that's what's up. Please know that this will get easier, I pray that God will give you peace today, and that each day that goes by will bring you closer to Him, and stronger in comfort and love.

Terra said...

I'm so thankful you are sharing this all with us. You are helping me to refocus as well!

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