my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Sunday, March 7, 2010


The day after Ken and I were married we went to my parents house to open our wedding gifts. We were heading on our honeymoon but, we wanted to say goodbye to family and open all those presents first. That day I kept staring at Ken's hand. He was wearing that ring with such pride. I just keep staring at it thinking what a lucky girl I was. He chose me. He picked me. He married me. And, now he has this little piece of gold on his finger to show the whole world that he had a wife. I kept thinking that it was the sexiest thing he had ever worn. As he picked up my nieces and played with them, as he opened presents, as he hugged family goodbye I kept my eyes fixed on that ring. Such a small piece of jewelry with such a huge, huge meaning.

The day our son was born Ken was on flight back from Texas. His parents thought it was best for him to leave me in the hospital and go back to work. I was so drugged I really couldn't have an opinion on the matter. The thought was I would lay in that hospital bed for weeks before Trent would come. But, that was not our story. Ken left on Monday morning and I went into labor Monday afternoon. I told him to book the next flight out. The next flight was at 5am on Tuesday morning. That flight landed in Orlando at 10am. Trent was born at 8am. I will never be okay with the fact that he missed the birth of his son. But, on that day when he walked into my birthing suite. His wife hooked up to all kinds of machines. His dead son laying in my arms. I could not have been prepared to watch him grieve. In the four and half years Ken and I have been married he has only cried a few times. I on the other hand seem to cry alot more often. But, this day...he walked in kissed me on the forehead and I handed him his son. He was shaking when he took his tiny body. He cried. Those tears were much more powerful than the sight of that ring that day after we were married. Tears from a father that missed his whole child's life. Tears from a father. His tears flowed all day. His tears flowed at the funeral for our son. Our tears flowed together...creating one stream. He held our baby boy with such ease. He cried for our baby boy with such torment.

I have always struggled with self worth. This is not something I ever discuss...except with Ken, but here my plan is to be tell my son's story and hopefully tell His story in the process. I have always felt not worthy. I thought I would never marry because I was not worthy of a husband. I thought I would never be a mom because I was not worthy enough to be a mommy. The list could go on and on. But, I have fought this problem of self worth by taking on everything and anything in my path. If I can do it and do it better than everyone else surely I am worthy of this life. But, in the past few weeks I can't seem to do that anymore. I can't seem to let myself push so hard. And, it is funny for the first time every I am finding out who I truly am. I don't have to be that girl...the girl who does it all. I don't have to be the one that never stops. I don't have to prove myself. God deemed me worthy the day He created me. I can be a wife to my husband without being the best of the best. I can be a mommy to my son in heaven. I can live this life without perfection. I can't fix it all...I can't do it all. But, I am worth it anyway.

There is a story told in all four of the Gospels about Martha and Mary. Jesus came to Bethany before the Passover to have dinner. This is the place that Lazarus was raised from the dead. Martha and Mary were preparing the meal. And, Martha was doing what I would have done...working like crazy to make everything perfect. She probably worked all day in a tizzy making sure the house was clean, the meal perfect, the table set for perfection. This has been my life for as long as I can remember...making everything "look" perfect. But, bottom never has been. I have never been perfect. I sure did know how to make it look that way. But, Mary was different. And I like the way it is told in Luke the best. You can find this story in John 12:1-8, Matthew 26:6-13, Mark 14:3-9, and then Luke 7:37-50. Each tell the story slightly different...but, Luke talks of her tears.

37.When a woman who had lived a sinful life in that town learned that Jesus was eating at the Pharisee's house, she brought an alabaster jar of perfume,
38.and as she stood behind him at his feet weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears. Then she wiped them with her hair, kissed them and poured perfume on them.
39.When the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, "If this man were a prophet, he would know who is touching him and what kind of woman she is--that she is a sinner."
40.Jesus answered him, "Simon, I have something to tell you." "Tell me, teacher," he said.
41."Two men owed money to a certain moneylender. One owed him five hundred denarii, and the other fifty.
42.Neither of them had the money to pay him back, so he canceled the debts of both. Now which of them will love him more?"
43.Simon replied, "I suppose the one who had the bigger debt canceled." "You have judged correctly," Jesus said.
44.Then he turned toward the woman and said to Simon, "Do you see this woman? I came into your house. You did not give me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair.
45.You did not give me a kiss, but this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet.
46.You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet.
47.Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven--for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little."
48.Then Jesus said to her, "Your sins are forgiven."
49.The other guests began to say among themselves, "Who is this who even forgives sins?"
50.Jesus said to the woman, "Your faith has saved you; go in peace."

She stood at His feet weeping. She was not perfect. She was not even worthy of His company. But, she stood at His feet weeping. She wet His feet with her own tears. She was a sinful woman. A woman who did not deserve it...but, He forgave her. He gave her life eternal.

In the past couple of weeks I have cried more than I can even tell you. I have cried in public, in private, everywhere. And, I hate to cry in front of people. I have always thought it showed weakness. Here this woman comes before her Savior and weeps. She washes His feet with the tears. I want to be her. I want to stop trying to live the perfect life. I want to stop trying to make it all "seem" okay when really it isn't. I will sit at my Jesus' feet until the tears stop. I will sit and worship Him until He makes me whole again. I will not try to be superwoman anymore. I will be worthy of Him because I worship Him. I will let my tears fall.


Terra said...

You are so worthy Trisha! Don't know if I ever told you this but when we worked together back at Warner, after we'd talk here and there, I'd always think....

"if only I could be like Trisha!" "I" always felt unworthy myself and you were such an inspiration to me!

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