I had a friend today telling me about her brother-in-law. He was diagnosed with colon cancer about two years ago and went in for a check up yesterday. The cancer had spread rapidly through his body and the doctors gave him six months to live. My friend went on to tell me how devastated the parents are. They are 86 and 85 and her brother-in-law is in his 40's. I told her how sorry I was. And, how awful cancer can be. She KEPT going on and on and on about how sad it was that these 80 year old parents would have to watch their son die. She said about five times how it isn't supposed to happen like that. How the parents should die first. I was trying so hard to be sympathetic and then I finally said, "I know how they feel. I am 30 and I watched my only son die." Oops, I did it again. I reminded someone that my son just died four months ago. (four months...can you believe it?) I sometimes wonder if others had held him would he have been more real to them. I wonder if he would have been 5 days or 10 weeks or 2 years people would give me more credit for my grief? I sometimes just feel like a statistic. I feel like the whole world is moving around me and I am standing here trying to catch my breath. I am SO sad for this poor man who is dying of cancer. But, I know what it is like to be a parent losing a child. I hate that I know what that means. I hate that I fall into that category...but, I do. And, I will for the rest of my life.
I loved that little boy and I miss him like crazy. His due date is upon us...my first mothers day as a mom...and he is dead. These next two weeks will not be easy.
1 in 8 couples suffer from infertility...1 in 8!! That is a lot of freaking people. That is a lot of dreaming for little feet to grace their lives. It is a lot of broken hearts when AF shows up each month. It is a lot of money being paid to RE's. It is too many people!!!
We are still in the national infertility awareness week and most of the blogs I read are written by BLM's (baby loss mommas) or infertile women. I thought I would take this little info below that two of my blogging friends shared and share my opinion today.
Just to recap: I was diagnosed with PCOS at 18. Ken and I started TTC in 2005. We had fertility treatments and acupuncture. We were unsuccessful and told I would never carry a child. We started the lond, hard road to adopt. We found out I was pregnant with Trent in September of 2009...with NO drugs!!! We lost Trent in January 2010 due to my incompetent cervix. And, as far as I know IC and infertility have NOTHING to do with each other...I am just so lucky to have both problems. So, the subject of infertility is dear to my heart. I have cried many many tears over negative pregnancy tests...and of course even more over my one positive!
Myth: Infertility is a women's problem. Fact: This is untrue. It surprises most people to learn that infertility is a female problem in 35% of the cases, a male problem in 35% of the cases, a combined problem of the couple in 20% of cases, and unexplained in 10% of cases. It is essential that both the man and the woman be evaluated during an infertility work-up. trisha: I did know that this is the case...only because Ken and I had both been through all the testing. Ken was fine. I did have a wonderful lady that I knew back in my camp counselor days whose husband had the issue with fertility...and they have since adopted 4 beautiful kids
Myth: Everyone seems to get pregnant at the drop of a hat. Fact: More than five million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. When you seek support, you will find that you are not alone. Join RESOLVE, a support group, or talk with others who are struggling to build a family, so that you won't feel isolated. trisha: IT SURE FEELS LIKE THAT...well, for everyone other than me. In those four years that we were trying so hard every where I looked someone I knew was getting knocked up. It is so hard when you are in the throws of treatment to have all these women getting pregnant around you!!
Myth: It's all in your head! Why don't you relax or take a vacation. Then you'll get pregnant! Fact: Infertility is a disease or condition of the reproductive system. While relaxing may help you with your overall quality of life, the stress and deep emotions you feel are the result of infertility, not the cause of it. Improved medical techniques have made it easier to diagnose infertility problems. trisha: seriously if I had a $1 for every time someone said this to me!!!!! I hated HATED hearing this. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, "I HAVE A DISEASE THAT MAKES IT HARD FOR ME!!!! IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MY VACATIONING!!!!!"
Myth: Don't worry so much -- it just takes time. You'll get pregnant if you're just patient. Fact: Infertility is a medical problem that may be treated. At least 50% of those who complete an infertility evaluation will respond to treatment with a successful pregnancy. Some infertility problems respond with higher or lower success rates. Those who do not seek help have a "spontaneous cure rate" of about 5% after a year of infertility. trisha: I guess you can call Ken and I the 5% spontaneous cure rate! I really hope we are that lucky again...but, I am afraid that we will need treatment this time.
Myth: If you adopt a baby you'll get pregnant! Fact: This is one of the most painful myths for couples to hear. First it suggests that adoption is only a means to an end, not an happy and successful end in itself. Second, it is simply not true. Studies reveal that the rate for achieving pregnancy after adopting is the same as for those who do not adopt. trisha: now...as you see from my above story we were on the road to adoption and I did get pregnant...so, who knows if had anything to do with it...but, when people used to say this to me I wanted to SLAP them!!
Myth: Why don't you just forget it and adopt? After all, there are so many babies out there who need homes! Fact: For many, adoption is a happy resolution to infertility. However, most people explore medical treatment for infertility prior to considering adoption. In addition, traditional adoption options have changed, and adoption can be more costly and time-consuming than expected. It is, however, still possible to adopt the healthy baby of your dreams. There are also many older children and children with special needs available for adoption. trisha: now, I am still open for adoption...however I want MY baby. I want the child to have Ken and my's DNA. I want the baby to have Ken's dimples and my blond hair. I want my dream. And, hello it is crazy expensive!!
Myth: Maybe you two are doing something wrong! Fact: Infertility is a medical condition, not a sexual disorder. trisha: no, I'm pretty sure I know how to do "it" got it thanks...did you want to gie me a lesson?? cause ken might get mad ;)
Myth: My partner might leave me because of our infertility. Fact: The majority of couples do survive the infertility crisis, learning in the process new ways of relating to each other, which deepens their relationship in years to follow.
trisha: Ken is an amazing man. I told him on our second, yes SECOND, date about my PCOS and the fear that I might never get pregnant. So, it was not a shock when we started trying and didn't conceive right away. I know that the hormone crazed bitch that became his wife for a while scared him away...but he did stay and I know he will continue to!
Myth: Perhaps this is God's way of telling you that you two aren't meant to be parents! Fact: It is particularly difficult to hear this when you are struggling with infertility. You know what loving parents you would be, and it is painful to have to explain to others that you have a medical problem.
trisha: seriously?! screw you...oh and your amazing child just stuck his finger in that light socket...oh wait that is not what I meant to say...I am pretty sure that is not the God I serve.
Myth: Infertility is nature's way of controlling population. Fact: Zero population growth is a goal pursued in a time of world overpopulation, but it still allows for couples to replace themselves with two children. Individuals or couples can certainly elect the option to be child free or to raise a single child. Infertility, for those who desire children, denies them the opportunity to choose.
trisha: I did have someone say this to me years ago...I was more than a little devastated...and wanted to say...too bad your mom wasn't infertile.
Myth: I shouldn't take a month off from infertility treatment for any reason... I just know that this next month will be THE one! Fact: It is important periodically to reassess your treatment and your parenting goal. Continuity in treatment is important, but sometimes a break can provide needed rest and renewal for the next steps. trisha: the biggest thing for ken and I is that sex wasn't fun anymore. It was all about doing it at the right time and making a baby. So, in the months after we stopped treatment we actually started to enjoy each other and sex wasn't a chore anymore.
Myth: I'll be labeled a 'trouble maker' if I ask too many questions. Fact: The physician/patient team is important. You need to be informed about what treatments are available. What is right for one couple may not be right for another, either physically, financially, or emotionally. Don't be afraid to ask questions of your doctor. A second opinion can be helpful. If needed, discuss this option with your physician. trisha: what ever I am a question QUEEN!!! and even after the doctor has answered the questions I research on the internet too!!
Myth: I know I'll never be able to stop treatment until I have a pregnancy. Fact: Pregnancy is not the only pathway to parenthood. You may begin to think more about parenthood than about pregnancy. You may long for your life to get back to normal. You may consider child free living or begin to think of other ways to build a family. trisha: again see answer above.
Myth: I've lost interest in my job, hobbies, and my friends because of infertility. No one understands! My life will never be the same! Fact: Infertility is a life crisis -- it has a rippling effect on all areas of your life. It is normal to feel a sense of failure that can affect your self-esteem and self-image. You will move through this crisis. It is a process, and it may mean letting go of initial dreams. Throughout this process, stay informed about the wide range of options and connect with others facing similar experiences. trisha: no one understands...until you meet others like you...which is why I love blogging and the blogging community so much!!
So, this week is national infertility awareness week. I keep trying to tell myself that I'm not infertile. Yes, I tried to get pregnant for four years. Yes, doctors told me I would never carry a child of my own. Yes, I lost my first baby due to an incompetent cervix. But, I DID get pregnant...on my own with no drugs. We did the drugs and all and nothing happened and then all of a sudden I was pregnant all on my own. I have gone back to the RE to try again...but, I just want it to happen by itself again. I hate those drugs and injections and all the side effects!!! I am trying to lose 50 lbs before I get pregnant again. The RE said lose 30 before she would start the meds and I have lost 18.5...but, I am going to wait until I hit 50 for her to call in the meds. So, yes it is national infertility week...but, is it bad of me to dream of calling my self fertile??? I mean does getting pregnant on your own after 4 years make you fertile? I don't know...I just wish none of us battled this. I wish it was as easy as taking a vacation or not thinking about it or being patient...all those things people say to you in hopes of easing your pain with each month that passes with out a positive test. But, for many of us it is not that easy. And, then for even more of us we are unlucky enough to be infertile and to have an incompetent cervix...seems like a really bad joke doesn't it???
May 9th, 2010. A day I looked to with such hope and joy. Mother's day. My first one and his due day. With my due date right around the corner the reality that his life is over is really starting to sink in. I was thinking yesterday of all the things I should be getting ready. I should be feeling him move like crazy. I should be organizing his nursery. I should be washing all his clothes so the will be ready for him. I should be cleaning like a mad woman for all the visitors we will be having. But, I'm not doing any of those things. The swing sits in storage collecting dust. Our apartment is filled with boxes as we pack to move to a place with not so many memories. The nursery is still just the office. The place is dirty because I don't have the energy to clean. The laundry is piled up so high we trip over it. I can't motivate myself to do it. Instead of preparing for him I sit and read blogs of other woman who lost babies. I cry myself to sleep. I take showers as hot as I can get them just to feel something other than the pain.
Ken walked into the bedroom tonight. I was reading a new blog of a woman who lost her son. I was crying. I always cry as I read these new blogs. I cry because I know her pain. He said, "why do you do this to yourself?" I don't know...maybe it is because I need to know that someone else has been here and survived. I need to know that someone else has been just a few weeks away from the due date and her life was falling apart too. Maybe I need to know that these other people started to enjoy life again 4,5,6 months after the loss. Maybe I need to know that I'm not the only one who has ever stood here. Maybe I need to know that I will come out of this a stronger woman. I don't know why...but, I know it brings me comfort to meet these other woman who have traveled this awful road.
I was in Florida visiting family when this nightmare began. I was rushed to a hospital I didn't know and doctors I had never seen and was told my son would come any minute and he would have no chance of survival. Ken called his parents and they flew right out, he called my family and they drove right over. We all waited for the end. After surviving the first five days we thought maybe I could make it to a viable age...24 weeks. Ken flew home to go back to work. I went into labor the day he left. My mom and his mom were by my side the entire time. He booked a flight out the next morning. I knew he would miss the birth of our son and I asked my little sister Bridget to take pictures for me. She took over 200 pictures of Trent's short little life. I am so blessed to have those pictures. She also took a video of part of his life. I had not watched the video. I had actually forgotten I even had it. I watched it this weekend. Oh, my heart just broke to see him alive again...and at the same time such joy to have a video of him. I watched it over the weekend with no sound and last night I wondered if the camera had picked up what I was saying to him. I was talking to him the whole video. I re-watched it last night with sound...oh...my heart just broke. I was telling him how much I loved him. I was telling him how sorry I was his daddy didn't get to meet him. I told him how beautiful he was. I told him how much I loved him. I kissed his little fingers. I kissed his face. And, then the nurse took his heart rate and told me he was gone. He took his last breath in the video. I took his little hand and told him it was okay...he could go to heaven, mommy would stay here...as I said that you can hear my mom say..."it is okay honey...Jesus is waiting for him with open arms." Oh that little boy was so loved...both his grandmothers, his mommy, and one aunt stood and watched as he took his last little breath. I kissed him goodbye and he went home to Jesus. What a lucky little boy to be surrounded with such love. Both grandmas loved him beyond measure. This was Ken's moms first grand baby. I am blessed she was there and able to meet her grandson and I know she loved him so much. Trent was my moms sixth grand baby and I know she loved him so so much. And, as hard as it must have been for Bridget to watch her nephew come into this world and her big sister to say goodbye all at the same time...she kept snapping those pictures and captured his last breath on video. I will treasure that for always. I feel asleep last night with my mom's voice playing over and over again in my head..."It's okay honey...Jesus is waiting for him with open arms."
I have said it over and over again to myself today...
"It's okay honey...Jesus is waiting for him with open arms."
I said hello and goodbye all in one day. That day changed me forever. I still can't figure out how I will ever get over this but, I know that Jesus was waiting on my baby boy and He is still holding me as I figure this new life out.
a fellow baby loss momma posted this today...it is beautiful and so fitting!
thank you for climbing with me patiently...it sure is not an easy climb...but, I'm trying!
The day my child died, I fell into the pit of grief. My friends watched me struggle through daily life; waiting for the person I once was to arise from the pit, not realizing "she" is gone forever. The pit is full of darkness, heartache and despair; it paralyzes your thoughts, movements and ability to ration. The pit leaves you forever changed, unable to surface the person you once were.
Some of my pre-grief friends gather around the top of the pit, waiting for the old me to appear before their eyes, not understanding what's taking me so long to emerge. After all, in their eyes, I've been in the pit for quite sometime. Yet in my eyes, it seems as if I fell in only yesterday.
Not all of my pre-grief friends are gathered around the top of the pit. Some are helping me with the climb out of the darkness. They climb side by side with me from time to time, but mostly they climb ahead of me, waiting patiently at each plateau. Even with these friends I sometimes wonder if they are also waiting for the pre-grief me to magically appear before their eyes.
Then there are the casual acquaintances, you know the ones who say, "Hi, how are you?" when they really don't care or really want to know. These are the people who sigh in relief, that it is my child who died and not theirs. You know ... the "better them, than me" attitude.
My post-grief friends are the ones who climb with me, side by side, inch by inch, out of the pit of grief. They have no way of comparing the pit climber to the pre-grief person I once was. You see, they started at the bottom of the pit with me. They are able to reassure me when I need reassurance, rest when I need resting, and encourage me to move forward when I don't have the strength. They have no expectations, no memories and no recollection of how I "should" be. They want me to get better, to smile more often and find joy in life, but they also accepted the person I've become. . . the "person" who is emerging from the pit.
I want to share this thought from CS Lewis. At the end of his series of children's fiction, all his characters die in a railway accident and Lewis concludes with these words:
But the things that began to happen after that were so great and so beautiful that I cannot write them. And for us this is the end of all the stories...but for them it was only the beginning of the real story. All their life in this world and all their adventures in Narnia had only been the cover and the title page: now at last they were beginning Chapter One of the Great Story, which no one on earth has read, which goes on forever, in which every chapter is better than the one before.
How wonderful that my baby boy is already living that Great Story. He is already up there worshipping God every single day. He got to skip the inro and move right onto the good part of the book. He got to miss all the crap we live through and move right into his mansion. I miss him like crazy...but, really he is the lucky one!
In hopes of not making every single post negative, sad, depressing,and/or bitching about how my life sucks I thought I would copy the idea of another blog who did the ABC's of me. Maybe it will let you know me a little more than just reading about my issues with death.
A - a big family - I come from A big family B - Baptist - my current church home 1st Baptist, Midland, Texas C - chapstick I AM ADDICTED!! I do not leave the house EVER without at least one tube with me. I have it at all times...and it MUST be strawberry chapstick brand...NOTHING else D - duke and duchess...my two little dogs...i love them! E - every single day I wish my life were different F - failure - I am trying to take this word out of my vocabulary when I describe myself and making babies...but, sometimes it just seems fitting G - gum - I HATE GUM!!!!! I hate seeing people chew it, I hate smelling it, I hate seeing it spit out after someone has chewed it. I HATE HATE HATE IT!!!! H - haircut - Ken really needs one right now and I can't get him to go! I - iceberg - that is how I feel lately. You meet me and have no idea that so much pain hides underneath...you know you see 10% of the iceberg and the rest is underwater! J - july 4th - my favorite holiday K - kenneth wayne - the love of my life L - love love love coffee!!! M - milk = allergic! I have been since I was a child. N - no day goes by I don't cry for him O - ovulation never seems to be my friend! P - people amaze me Q - quiet time is important to m R - reservations - I love when Ken makes us reservations...for anything hotels, flights, restaurants...I love to travel!! S - sun - I love being in the sun...but, my skin hates it!! I am fair skinned and burn faster than I can even get the sunscreen on!! T - Trenton James U - undeserving of the love that people have given me over the last 3 months V - very sure God has a plan for me and I don't understand it W - wedding planner - if I could do anything else in my life and make money at it I would be a wedding planner!! I love love love weddings! X - ken and I moved to teXas a little over a year ago from Daytona Beach, Florida Y - yearn - I yearn to be a mommy of a child on earth! Z - zippo - I bought Ken a zippo lighter 2 years ago and he still has never put fluid in the thing ;)
There you have it..something a little different today.
The minute I saw those two little pink lines show up I was all in. My heart was racing, my mind couldn't grasp it, my life was changed forever. I was in love with that little man before I even knew he was a he. The moment I saw those two lines my whole heart was in love. I didn't guard myself. I didn't hold out to see if I miscarried. I didn't even slow down to think maybe it wasn't true...I was all in.
It is such an unusual thing for me to love that way. I normally guard my heart so closely. I have been hurt no crushed so many times before that I tend to not let my guard down very easily. But, oh this little boy stole my whole heart from day one. I was all in.
I think maybe that is why I hurt so bad now. I let myself love so fully. I let myself give in to the wonder of being a mommy. I let myself get carried away. I was all in.
But, you know what? I wouldn't change it. I wouldn't go back and love him less. I would rather be this heart broken now then to think I didn't give him my all. Those 22 minutes of his life make this hurt so worth it. Kissing his tiny face, knowing that I loved him from the moment he was...makes it all worth it. Do I wish the outcome was different? Do I wish he would have lived instead of died? YES!!! But, oh I loved without guarding. I loved him to the fullest of my ability. I loved him with every ounce of me. I still do. I was crushed 15 weeks ago today. My life stopped. My heart stopped. I was all in.
I have learned so much about myself in the last 15 weeks. I have learned that I can love some one so much that it almost kills me. I have learned that even when the pain is so all consuming that I can barely breath, I can get out of bed and move forward. I have learned that my husband loves me more than I could have ever understood before this. I have learned that my life has meaning because of this little boy. I have learned that my heart can break and I can keep on going. I was all in.
I will carry him with me forever. I will always be his mommy. I will love him fully.
sometimes I hate being me. Sometimes I just want to be one of those people who seems to have it easy!! I know that everyone has their struggles. I just wish mine were easier!!! I talk to women and hear of women and see women that get pregnant like it is no big deal! And, there is me...we struggle for so long and then we lose him. WHY ME??? Why do some of us have to fight so hard to be a mom and others have it so easy and don't even seem to care?? I wish I understood this world.
I started this blog about two months ago and in that time have come to know many, many woman who have lost their babies. It is crazy how many of us there are! I truly never knew so many woman lost children. I just thought you got pregnant and had a baby. oh to be so niave again...
I was at the gym yesterday and that question, so simple for most to answer, so power packed for me, "Do you have any kids?" Here I am sweating, panting, and pretty much dying on the dumb elliptical...how to answer?? "Yes, but he is in heaven." There were three of us on the machines that day...and come to find out all three of us had angels in heaven. One baby girl lost at six months, one just a few weeks in and my precious Trent. How can it be three women and all three with one in heaven.
I want to hold him again. I want to kiss him again. I want to be his mommy.
I was driving today and heard this song...I have heard it a hundred times before...but, today it meant something so much more to me.
Last Night I had a crazy dream Wish was granted just for me, It could be for anything I didn't ask for money, or a mansion in Malibu I simply wished for one more day with you
One more day, One more time One more sunset maybe I'd be satisfied But then again; I know what it would do Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you
[Oh one more day]
First thing I'd do is pray for time to crawl I'd unplug the telephone, and keep the TV off I'd hold you every second, say a million I Love You's Thats what I'd do, with one more day with you
One more day, One more time One more sunset maybe I'd be satisfied But then again; I know what it would do Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you
One more day, One more time One more sunset maybe I'd be satisfied But then again; I know what it would do Leave me wishing still, for one more day....
I know this was probably written about romantic love...but, it had me in tears and thinking what I would give for one more day with my son. One day to hold him again. One more day to tell him I love him. One more day to kiss his sweet little face. One more day to feel him kick me. One more day to... I would even settle for just a few more minutes. But, it is over...forever.
I think that is what has gotten to me the most lately...it is over. OVER. There is no restart, there is no going back, there is no do-over. It is over. I had him for such a short time. I wanted him for a life time. He was created by God and set apart. There will never be another Trent. There will never be another person that would have had his eyes. There will never be another person that will have laughed the way he would have. There will never be another person who would have thought the way he would have. There will never be another person who would have loved the way he would have. The world is missing a part of it. It is missing my son. I know he only lived for 22 minutes...but, oh the things we missed. He was created and set apart for something more than this world...but, oh how my heart aches for him. My arms ache to hold him again. My lips wishing they could feel his skin again. He was my son, my only son. He was my child.
Parents are not meant to bury their children. Parents are not meant to have to figure out life without their children. While I was pregnant I spent every free minute thinking of his life with us. I pictured all the places and things I would show him...but, now my thoughts have become how I will live this life without him. I should not have his ashes...I should have him. I will hold him in my heart forever. I will miss him forever. I don't think time will heal the wound...and I don't want it to...I want to remember him. He will always be my first born son. Even if God blesses us with more children...Trent will never be forgotten.
I miss him so much. Oh if I could just have one more day. one more day, one more minute, even one more second.
Oh how I wish I could have known how "worse" the "worse" was going to be.
I married my soul mate 4 and a half years ago. I married the man God created for me. But, there was no way to know what was coming on our journey. Ken and I have been through a lot of heart ache and pain in those 4.5 years. But, we have stayed beside each other. There was no way to prepare for this kind of pain. "for better or worse" ... such simple words ... but, oh the power of them now. We have had many many "better" times. But, this event shawdows them now. I have a hard time remembering what they were like. I figure if we can survive the loss of our first born son ... we can survive anything. I love that Ken holds me and just lets me cry. I love that he lets me grieve. I love that he tells me I don't have to just get over it. I love that he loves me even though I lost my son. I love him for letting me lay on the couch on those days that I just can't get up. I love him for the weeks I just can't do the laundry because I can't get out of bed. I love him.
I hate not being able to sleep! I hate it!! When I lay down the game begins...it is a never-ending game. I keep playing over and over and over. I can't win. You know the game...it is the " What if? " game. Oh the possiblities...the life that could have been. I wanted to be his mommy. I wanted to rock him to sleep. I wanted to raise him to be an amazing husband just like his daddy is.
I play those days in the hospital over and over in my head. It is like they are on repeat. I hate that I tourture myself this way. The hard part is that those memories are the last I have of my son. I want to remember. I want to think about him. It just hurts. so. much. I push the thoughts away. I try and run from them. I distract myself with other things. But, I always end up right back here. Will it ever stop? I want him back. I want him here.
My heart aches for him every single day. I hurt more than I knew I could. But, I am moving forward. I have joined a pregnancy loss support group, which turned out to just be me and the leader, however it has been wonderful. Tonight's part of the Bible study made me think back over the last three months and I realize that I truly have moved forward. I am in a place where I never thought I would get to. Right after it happened I didn't think there would be a way to live again. It hurt so bad I couldn't even figure out which way was up or down. The pain was so all consuming my whole live revolved around it. My eyes were permanently blood-shot from the tears. I thought that is the way it would always be. But, a little over three months later I am starting to heal. I will always love him. I will always miss him. But, I am starting to let myself heal.
I am reading an amazing book, "Strong Women, Soft Hearts" by Paula Rinehart. I am reading the book at the gym. I am pretty good at multi-tasking. However, running on the elliptical and reading are about all I can handle at once. I really would like to have my highlighter there with me...but, I'm pretty sure I would fall and bust my head open if I attempted that too. So, I seem to be reading the book twice...once at the gym and then again at home when I can highlight and absorb. (I mean who can really GET a book without the pink highlighter???) Today, about 19 minutes in and pretty sweaty I came across this...
Pain is experienced as a wave, and the question is: How will we ride it so that we emerge in a stronger place, more grounded in God, more open to life, more wise?
Let me just say I hate this wave. I hate being on it. But, the truth is I'm here and can't get off. There is no going back. There is no turning around. There is no getting off the wave. So, how will I ride it and get to a stronger place? How will I find God in new ways? How will I be more open to life? How will I be more wise? I am learning each of those every single day. I do want to finally land on the beach, stand up, dust myself off and say, "Okay, God what next?" I want to be able to face life with this new knowledge of how fragile life really is. I want to walk with other woman who will stand where I have stood. I want to be a better person. And, this wave is creating her. I am becoming someone I never knew I could be. Could you survive the loss of your first child? Three and a half months ago my answer would have been "NO!" But, guess what? I did. I am. I will. It has taken me a while to catch my breath. It has taken me a while to understand that God will work this for good. He does have a plan for me.
And, one more thought...
You know you are an adult when you start to realize that some sorrows in life will never go away. You learn to carry them with you in ways that enrich rather than debilitate your life, in ways that make you wise.
Let me just say...for those future posts that I know will come where I am a blubbering mess of grief...I still hurt...my baby is still gone...BUT
I am trying to learn to live this new life. I am trying to take this sorrow and turn it into something that will enrich and debilitate me anymore. I want to live. I deserve that. Ken deserves that. And, our future babies deserve a mommy that is not holding onto the past but, that has learned how to be a better woman because of it.
It has been a few days since I blogged...I have had so much to say...yet, no words.
I found this little poem shortly after Trent died...
I will hold him again.
I think of him as resting from the sorrows and the tears in a place of warmth and comfort Where there are no days and years. I give him back to you, O Lord, Who first gave him to me, In heaven with Jesus, again we shall meet
This Little Light of Mine, I'm going to let it shine...
I know that I will. I know that I will spend all of eternity with him. It is that knowledge that makes it okay to finish this life now. I have been reading the new book for the Bloom book club this week. I have been reading it on the elliptical machine at the gym. It is an amazingly powerful book...and hides the timer on the elliptical machine so I don't count down the seconds until I reach 30 minutes ;) The book is about our heart. And, today the section I read was about living this life. This is it. This is the only shot we get. We don't get a do-over. We don't get to start again. We don't get to push rewind. This. is. it. So, as I pumped away, sweating, panting, and pretty much dying, I thought..."please Lord push me forward." I have to continue. I have to live. I deserve to live. My husband deserves for me to live. I can't stop. I can't stay here. I can't keep looking back. I must live. My heart has always been so guarded. In the months since his death I have let that wall down. It is like I didn't have the energy to keep it up. I had spent so much time building it and then even more time maintaining it...but, when the baby came and went it crumbled under the weight of everything. And, you know what? I think I learned to love again. I think I learned to let others in. I think I learned that it is okay to show who we really are. Why was I hiding? What was I hiding? I think I will leave it down.
I have been on a quest to find ways to remember him...tangible ways...maybe even things most people would not notice...but, for me they help. I have two little pictures framed on my desk at work. I have three pictures framed at home. I have his little urn with ashes. I ordered a plaque from etsy with his name and a verse on it, it hangs on the bedroom wall with two little doves I found that say "hope" and "faith." Ken bought me a ring for Valentine's day with his birthstone so that I will always have a piece of him with me. And, a few weeks back I found another etsy shop and bought earrings with his tiny little foot prints. They came in the mail yesterday and in the package was this little poem...
In memory of little footprints and lost dreams how softly you tiptoed into our world. Almost silently, only a moment you stayed. But what an imprint your footsteps have left upon our hearts.
The line that I keep repeating and pondering is, "almost silently." The truth is there are so many of us that carry these tiny footprints with us. Some of us tattoo our little angels, some wear jewelry, some have bumper stickers, and some just keep them to themselves. But, they did come almost silently. Those of us with babies in heaven we don't get the normal mom jobs...chasing a toddler around, answering the questions from strangers, yelling at them to hush, cleaning french fries out of the minivan, no poopy diapers for us. We have a memory, a split second in our lives, where are children where here. We have been imprinted as mothers but, it is like we are the silent mothers. I love my son. I loved him from the moment I knew he was inside me. I will love him until the day I die. And, on that day, when I stand before my Maker I will see him again. I will hold him again.
When I was growing up I loved traditions. I loved how they created memories. I loved that you knew what was coming amidst the chaos. There were some things my parents tried throughout the years that just didn't stick. There were others that seemed to just fall into place. And, even others that they set out to put in place and they worked. Somewhere along the way I started the tradition of....what is your favorite __________ memory?? I played this game at every holiday, birthday, and sometimes just random get togethers. Every time I start this game there seems to be a collective, "Oh, great here we go!" I do give them a little credit for hating my game...I have a mom and dad, two brothers, three sisters, one sister-in-law, two brother-in-laws, three nieces, two nephews, and a partridge in a pear tree. So, when we play this game it can last a REALLY long time! But, I LOVE to hear others memories! I have a crazy good memory and some times feel stupid for the things I remember that others don't.
So, today on the three month anniversary of my son's death, I want to play a little game and tell you some of my favorite things! (yes, this is actually a happy post. I'm trying!)
My favorite memory with Ken is...
On July 4th, 2005 my parents threw a huge 4th of July bash. I love this holiday...fireworks, cookouts, swimming, watermelon...what could be better. How can you not love a holiday that makes little girls do this:
(these are two of my wonderful nieces)
Ken and I had just started dating a few weeks before. I knew this was the man for me. It was getting pretty late on this 4th of July and Ken and I ended being upstairs at my parents. We were standing at the top of the staircase and my dad started to play the piano. My dad has played the piano my whole life...here I stood at the top of this staircase with the man of my dreams...Ken took my hand and put his other hand around my waist...he pulled me close and we just danced. The music continued to play and my prince charming was sweeping me off my feet. I loved that in that moment he held me like no one else ever had. I loved that in that moment the rest of the world stopped...it was just us. I loved in that moment he was my everything. It is one of my favorite memories with him. I wish I could get back to that moment...the simplicity, the joy, the love. I love that man!!
My favorite memory with my son...
I didn't get a lot of time with him. But, for the time I had I am grateful. Most of our time shared he was in the womb. I loved knowing that he was in there and that my job was to take care of him. One of my favorite memories of him was around 15 weeks. He had been craving apples (and yes I think the food cravings are from the child!) all week. I had not had time to stop and get apples so the craving just kept on going. Finally on a Friday afternoon I had a moment to breath and I stopped by the grocery store and bought this HUGE bag of apples (8 bucks worth of apples!) I rushed home, washed them, and climbed into bed to watch a movie and eat my apples!! I was through with the first one when it hit me...yes, that wave of nausea overtook me...I spent the next two hours throwing up that apple and everything else in me. It was pretty late in my pregnancy to have morning sickness...but, sick I was!! I kept throwing up and finally got to a point where I was covered...so, I climbed into the shower with all my clothes on and just let the warm water hit me. When Ken got home that is where he found his poor, pregnant wifey...soaked, with clothes on, crying in the shower. I love that memory because it is such a "wilhite" kindof thing. That stinker wanted apples so bad and then the minute I gave in to the craving we were sick for hours...silly boy.
My favorite birthday memory....
would have to be my 23 birthday that I spent in Paris! It was an amazing trip. We spent the day at the Louvre. In the evening we walked over to a little cafe for dinner. The water is more expensive than the wine so I just kept drinking wine. When we told the waiter it was my birthday she brought me brandy to go with the most amazing creme burlee I have ever had!! When it was finally time to go...I stumbled out of the cafe and there in front of me was the Eiffel tower. I had no idea they light it up at night and really had no idea that the light moved!! I told my dad I needed to go lay down because I was so drunk the Eiffel tower was swaying...we all had a good laugh...oh trisha!
My favorite color is pink. My favorite place to shop it Target. My favorite purses are Vera Bradley. My favorite hobby is shopping. My favorite hubby is Ken ;). My favorite verse is Psalm 71:20. My favorite thing is STRAWBERRY chapstick! My favorite person is my mommy. My favorite place is in the crook of my husbands arm. My favorite thing to miss is Camp Joy.
I could go on and on. My point is ... I love life. I love stuff. I love my husband. And, I do smile. I do like to have a good time. I do want to live again. I am working on that. It has been a slow walk back...but, I'm coming wait on me...don't give up on me just yet!
What are some of your favorites??
Thank you Lord for continuting to hold me through this and not ever let go of me!!
Today is the first holiday without him. But, I really didn't have a hard time today...it could be the prozac or it could be that he wasn't supposed to be here by Easter anyway. I keep thinking that Mother's Day will be really hard! His due date was May 15th...I think I will have a hard week then.
I didn't sleep last night...this is not a new development...however, last night I tossed and turned so much more than normal. I was praying and pleading with God to give me another baby RIGHT NOW. I want to be pregnant again NOW. But, as it approached 5am and I still had not slept I finally felt a peace. Trent was in God's timing and the next one will be too. Right after the baby was born I was so scared that I would not be able to get pregnant again. But, we did it once why not again? I will wait on Him. I will try to wait patiently.
Easter is the most important day of all for Christians! It is the day we celebrate the cross. God sent His only Son and that Son died for YOU and me!! What an amazing thing. This morning during church I did start to think how much more exciting this Easter would be if he was still in there kicking me and sitting on my bladder. But, he isn't. He is already complete and with our Father. Today Easter meant more to me than ever before. Easter today meant that my son is already in heaven. Today Easter was more tangible for me. Because He hung on that cross my son will have eternal life. Because Jesus suffered for me I will see my son again. Because God sent His one and only Son my son and I will live eternally together. Trent is up there waiting on his mommy...and that is ONLY because of the cross! So, today Easter is so much more real...my son gets to spend eternity at the feet of our Saviour...and one day I will see him again.
Butterfly Mommies is a blogging community of woman who have lost their babies. I hate that I had to even find the page. I hate to be someone who has even falls into this category...but, here I am. The founders are starting a radio show...and here is their question to those of us who are part of this club...
What forms of support helped you the most during your time of loss and even now? How would you recommend other people support grieving mothers? (As we know, many times people who love us often don't know what to say or how to act)
About six weeks after the baby died I said to my mom, "I could write a book of all the things people shouldn't say to people who have lost a baby." She told me maybe I should. She said people just don't know what to say. The support for me comes from people who have acknowledged my loss. He really was my son. It wasn't just like my purse was stolen and I had to order new credit cards. This was a life that I will never get to experience. The most important thing for those of us that are here is that others see as a mom. That others understand that we lost so much. I have had more support than I could even begin to imagine. People have emailed and called. They have told me stories of their own loss. They have prayed with me. And, most importantly they have seen my son as a person.
In the days after Trent died that I was still in the hospital everyone that came into my hospital room felt the need to hand me a tissue. After about the 15th person handed me a tissue I threw the damn box across the room. I didn't want a tissue...I WANTED MY SON!! In the days after Trent died people kept rubbing my leg, or back, or arm...after about the 100th person was rubbing me I wanted to SLAP them all!!! In the weeks since my son was born the people who just smile at me like nothing happened...I want to grab them and SHAKE them and say HELLO my son died stop smiling at me like nothing happened. I know most people don't know what to say or how to act. But, the truth is I have just wanted people to be here with me. I have just wanted people to know that I hurt. I just wanted the world to stop and let me lay here and cry until I feel better.
The truth is nothing can fix it. But, people taking the time to care. People wanting to see his pictures. These are the things that help me.
I am married to an amazing man. We have two sons together, Trenton James, our sweet first born was born too early due to my incompetent cervix. We had 22 minutes this side of heaven with him. I ache for him but, I know the next time I see him I will never have to say good bye. Our miracle baby was born on May 23, 2011. Ian James was born full term thanks to a cerclage placed early in pregnancy. He is a joy!