my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

all in

The minute I saw those two little pink lines show up I was all in. My heart was racing, my mind couldn't grasp it, my life was changed forever. I was in love with that little man before I even knew he was a he. The moment I saw those two lines my whole heart was in love. I didn't guard myself. I didn't hold out to see if I miscarried. I didn't even slow down to think maybe it wasn't true...I was all in.

It is such an unusual thing for me to love that way. I normally guard my heart so closely. I have been hurt no crushed so many times before that I tend to not let my guard down very easily. But, oh this little boy stole my whole heart from day one. I was all in.

I think maybe that is why I hurt so bad now. I let myself love so fully. I let myself give in to the wonder of being a mommy. I let myself get carried away. I was all in.

But, you know what? I wouldn't change it. I wouldn't go back and love him less. I would rather be this heart broken now then to think I didn't give him my all. Those 22 minutes of his life make this hurt so worth it. Kissing his tiny face, knowing that I loved him from the moment he was...makes it all worth it. Do I wish the outcome was different? Do I wish he would have lived instead of died? YES!!! But, oh I loved without guarding. I loved him to the fullest of my ability. I loved him with every ounce of me. I still do. I was crushed 15 weeks ago today. My life stopped. My heart stopped. I was all in.

I have learned so much about myself in the last 15 weeks. I have learned that I can love some one so much that it almost kills me. I have learned that even when the pain is so all consuming that I can barely breath, I can get out of bed and move forward. I have learned that my husband loves me more than I could have ever understood before this. I have learned that my life has meaning because of this little boy. I have learned that my heart can break and I can keep on going. I was all in.

I will carry him with me forever. I will always be his mommy. I will love him fully.

I am all in.


lis said...

im right there with you...all in for whatever this journey brings us


Melissa said...

I love the name of your blog. I am sorry about your son, this is a beautiful post.

Anonymous said...

I never thought anyone else would understand, but I know how you feel. My son was already dead when I saw him on the outside, but I wouldn't change having him. I saw him on ultrasounds, my husband and I talked to him, we love him so much. xo

fuzzandfuzzlet said...

A friend of mine just updated her blog with a post very similar to yours. She talked about her loss hurting so much because she loved so much ( she lost her son 4 months ago to cancer)

She raved about the book Tear Soup. She claims it is a must read.

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