My heart aches for him every single day. I hurt more than I knew I could. But, I am moving forward. I have joined a pregnancy loss support group, which turned out to just be me and the leader, however it has been wonderful. Tonight's part of the Bible study made me think back over the last three months and I realize that I truly have moved forward. I am in a place where I never thought I would get to. Right after it happened I didn't think there would be a way to live again. It hurt so bad I couldn't even figure out which way was up or down. The pain was so all consuming my whole live revolved around it. My eyes were permanently blood-shot from the tears. I thought that is the way it would always be. But, a little over three months later I am starting to heal. I will always love him. I will always miss him. But, I am starting to let myself heal.
I am reading an amazing book, "Strong Women, Soft Hearts" by Paula Rinehart. I am reading the book at the gym. I am pretty good at multi-tasking. However, running on the elliptical and reading are about all I can handle at once. I really would like to have my highlighter there with me...but, I'm pretty sure I would fall and bust my head open if I attempted that too. So, I seem to be reading the book twice...once at the gym and then again at home when I can highlight and absorb. (I mean who can really GET a book without the pink highlighter???) Today, about 19 minutes in and pretty sweaty I came across this...
Pain is experienced as a wave, and the question is: How will we ride it so that we emerge in a stronger place, more grounded in God, more open to life, more wise?
Let me just say I hate this wave. I hate being on it. But, the truth is I'm here and can't get off. There is no going back. There is no turning around. There is no getting off the wave. So, how will I ride it and get to a stronger place? How will I find God in new ways? How will I be more open to life? How will I be more wise? I am learning each of those every single day. I do want to finally land on the beach, stand up, dust myself off and say, "Okay, God what next?" I want to be able to face life with this new knowledge of how fragile life really is. I want to walk with other woman who will stand where I have stood. I want to be a better person. And, this wave is creating her. I am becoming someone I never knew I could be. Could you survive the loss of your first child? Three and a half months ago my answer would have been "NO!" But, guess what? I did. I am. I will. It has taken me a while to catch my breath. It has taken me a while to understand that God will work this for good. He does have a plan for me.
And, one more thought...
You know you are an adult when you start to realize
that some sorrows in life will never go away. You learn to carry them with you in ways that enrich rather than debilitate your life, in ways that make you wise.
Let me just say...for those future posts that I know will come where I am a blubbering mess of grief...I still hurt...my baby is still gone...BUT
I am trying to learn to live this new life. I am trying to take this sorrow and turn it into something that will enrich and debilitate me anymore. I want to live. I deserve that. Ken deserves that. And, our future babies deserve a mommy that is not holding onto the past but, that has learned how to be a better woman because of it.