my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Saturday, April 3, 2010

butterfly mommies - support

Butterfly Mommies

Butterfly Mommies is a blogging community of woman who have lost their babies. I hate that I had to even find the page. I hate to be someone who has even falls into this category...but, here I am. The founders are starting a radio show...and here is their question to those of us who are part of this club...

What forms of support helped you the most during your time of loss and even now? How would you recommend other people support grieving mothers? (As we know, many times people who love us often don't know what to say or how to act)

About six weeks after the baby died I said to my mom, "I could write a book of all the things people shouldn't say to people who have lost a baby." She told me maybe I should. She said people just don't know what to say. The support for me comes from people who have acknowledged my loss. He really was my son. It wasn't just like my purse was stolen and I had to order new credit cards. This was a life that I will never get to experience. The most important thing for those of us that are here is that others see as a mom. That others understand that we lost so much. I have had more support than I could even begin to imagine. People have emailed and called. They have told me stories of their own loss. They have prayed with me. And, most importantly they have seen my son as a person.

In the days after Trent died that I was still in the hospital everyone that came into my hospital room felt the need to hand me a tissue. After about the 15th person handed me a tissue I threw the damn box across the room. I didn't want a tissue...I WANTED MY SON!! In the days after Trent died people kept rubbing my leg, or back, or arm...after about the 100th person was rubbing me I wanted to SLAP them all!!! In the weeks since my son was born the people who just smile at me like nothing happened...I want to grab them and SHAKE them and say HELLO my son died stop smiling at me like nothing happened. I know most people don't know what to say or how to act. But, the truth is I have just wanted people to be here with me. I have just wanted people to know that I hurt. I just wanted the world to stop and let me lay here and cry until I feel better.

The truth is nothing can fix it. But, people taking the time to care. People wanting to see his pictures. These are the things that help me.


fuzzandfuzzlet said...

I stumbled upon your blog last night and spent hours reading your story. I hope it is ok that I have bookmarked your blog.

The name Trenton is dear to me and my DH. After years of infertility we were selected by a birth mother to adopt her baby boy. We chose the name Trenton. That adoption did not work out, but he will always be Trenton to us.

One thing that stuck out to me is how you empowered yourself to hold your baby as long as you wanted. I have talked to so many women that are afraid to ask to hold their baby again, let the nurses tell them when it is time to get go etc. Maybe you can someday use your story to empower other women to hold on as long as they feel necessary.

I noticed that you live in Midland. I grew up in Midland, tho I have not been back in years.

Take care of yourself.

Trisha said...

Thank you for reading my story! It is what makes me know that Trenton meant more to someone other than me! Yes, my husband and I moved to Midland a year ago. We like it here. Where are you now?? Did you ever get to adopt?

fuzzandfuzzlet said...

I am now in Spokane WA. We did adopt, twice. Our son was born less than 3 months after our failed adoption. We adopted him as a newborn. We also adopted our daughter when she was 17 months old. That has been a long time ago, they are now 10 and 11.

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