my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

the game

I hate not being able to sleep! I hate it!! When I lay down the game begins...it is a never-ending game. I keep playing over and over and over. I can't win. You know the game...it is the " What if? " game. Oh the possiblities...the life that could have been. I wanted to be his mommy. I wanted to rock him to sleep. I wanted to raise him to be an amazing husband just like his daddy is.

I play those days in the hospital over and over in my head. It is like they are on repeat. I hate that I tourture myself this way. The hard part is that those memories are the last I have of my son. I want to remember. I want to think about him. It just hurts. so. much. I push the thoughts away. I try and run from them. I distract myself with other things. But, I always end up right back here. Will it ever stop? I want him back. I want him here.

2 comments:

Antoinette said...

I noticed you started to follow me today, thank you, and I will also follow you from now on. I feel just like this post...every night I lay there and wonder and wonder and stare at the corner that should have a cradle with a sleeping baby...and its been really tough...and I HOPE it gets better but if you read tonights blog post you will see i no longer can hope in this "new normal" i think it comes with the territory...((hugs))

fuzzandfuzzlet said...

I hope it gets better. I do think your feelings are very normal. That does not make it easier, but maybe it validates the emotions a bit.

I am a lifelong insomniac. I have learned that once the "loop" starts it is best just to get out of bed for a while.

Your son was beautiful, and you deserve to have beautiful memories. Maybe your therapist can help you frame more of the beautiful memories in your mind and help you let go of the more traumatic parts.

Please know I am not offended if you take my unsolicited advice with a grain of salt. I have never had a loss that compares to yours and am not really in a position to give any advice.

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