my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Saturday, April 10, 2010

i will hold him again

It has been a few days since I blogged...I have had so much to say...yet, no words.

I found this little poem shortly after Trent died...

I will hold him again.

I think of him as resting from the sorrows and the tears
in a place of warmth and comfort
Where there are no days and years.
I give him back to you, O Lord,
Who first gave him to me,
In heaven with Jesus, again we shall meet

This Little Light of Mine, I'm going to let it shine...

I know that I will. I know that I will spend all of eternity with him. It is that knowledge that makes it okay to finish this life now. I have been reading the new book for the Bloom book club this week. I have been reading it on the elliptical machine at the gym. It is an amazingly powerful book...and hides the timer on the elliptical machine so I don't count down the seconds until I reach 30 minutes ;) The book is about our heart. And, today the section I read was about living this life. This is it. This is the only shot we get. We don't get a do-over. We don't get to start again. We don't get to push rewind. This. is. it. So, as I pumped away, sweating, panting, and pretty much dying, I thought..."please Lord push me forward." I have to continue. I have to live. I deserve to live. My husband deserves for me to live. I can't stop. I can't stay here. I can't keep looking back. I must live. My heart has always been so guarded. In the months since his death I have let that wall down. It is like I didn't have the energy to keep it up. I had spent so much time building it and then even more time maintaining it...but, when the baby came and went it crumbled under the weight of everything. And, you know what? I think I learned to love again. I think I learned to let others in. I think I learned that it is okay to show who we really are. Why was I hiding? What was I hiding? I think I will leave it down.

I have been on a quest to find ways to remember him...tangible ways...maybe even things most people would not notice...but, for me they help. I have two little pictures framed on my desk at work. I have three pictures framed at home. I have his little urn with ashes. I ordered a plaque from etsy with his name and a verse on it, it hangs on the bedroom wall with two little doves I found that say "hope" and "faith." Ken bought me a ring for Valentine's day with his birthstone so that I will always have a piece of him with me. And, a few weeks back I found another etsy shop and bought earrings with his tiny little foot prints. They came in the mail yesterday and in the package was this little poem...

In memory of little footprints and lost dreams
how softly you tiptoed into our world.
Almost silently, only a moment you stayed.
But what an imprint your footsteps have
left upon our hearts.

The line that I keep repeating and pondering is, "almost silently." The truth is there are so many of us that carry these tiny footprints with us. Some of us tattoo our little angels, some wear jewelry, some have bumper stickers, and some just keep them to themselves. But, they did come almost silently. Those of us with babies in heaven we don't get the normal mom jobs...chasing a toddler around, answering the questions from strangers, yelling at them to hush, cleaning french fries out of the minivan, no poopy diapers for us. We have a memory, a split second in our lives, where are children where here. We have been imprinted as mothers but, it is like we are the silent mothers. I love my son. I loved him from the moment I knew he was inside me. I will love him until the day I die. And, on that day, when I stand before my Maker I will see him again. I will hold him again.


Naomi said...

absolutely beauiful and wonderful. love it! u will see him and hold him again, I truly believe that!

Anonymous said...

Good for you for getting on the elliptical machine. I'm sure it's not easy and takes a lot of effort for you right now. And glad the book is helping.

I love the song This Little Light of Mine. I hope you can carry that with you always. I think you have an amazing spirit to know you want to be a positive person as you mourn your loss. I hope This Light will shine ever so brightly for you, particularly now.


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