my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Friday, April 23, 2010

open arms

May 9th, 2010. A day I looked to with such hope and joy. Mother's day. My first one and his due day. With my due date right around the corner the reality that his life is over is really starting to sink in. I was thinking yesterday of all the things I should be getting ready. I should be feeling him move like crazy. I should be organizing his nursery. I should be washing all his clothes so the will be ready for him. I should be cleaning like a mad woman for all the visitors we will be having. But, I'm not doing any of those things. The swing sits in storage collecting dust. Our apartment is filled with boxes as we pack to move to a place with not so many memories. The nursery is still just the office. The place is dirty because I don't have the energy to clean. The laundry is piled up so high we trip over it. I can't motivate myself to do it. Instead of preparing for him I sit and read blogs of other woman who lost babies. I cry myself to sleep. I take showers as hot as I can get them just to feel something other than the pain.

Ken walked into the bedroom tonight. I was reading a new blog of a woman who lost her son. I was crying. I always cry as I read these new blogs. I cry because I know her pain. He said, "why do you do this to yourself?" I don't know...maybe it is because I need to know that someone else has been here and survived. I need to know that someone else has been just a few weeks away from the due date and her life was falling apart too. Maybe I need to know that these other people started to enjoy life again 4,5,6 months after the loss. Maybe I need to know that I'm not the only one who has ever stood here. Maybe I need to know that I will come out of this a stronger woman. I don't know why...but, I know it brings me comfort to meet these other woman who have traveled this awful road.

I was in Florida visiting family when this nightmare began. I was rushed to a hospital I didn't know and doctors I had never seen and was told my son would come any minute and he would have no chance of survival. Ken called his parents and they flew right out, he called my family and they drove right over. We all waited for the end. After surviving the first five days we thought maybe I could make it to a viable age...24 weeks. Ken flew home to go back to work. I went into labor the day he left. My mom and his mom were by my side the entire time. He booked a flight out the next morning. I knew he would miss the birth of our son and I asked my little sister Bridget to take pictures for me. She took over 200 pictures of Trent's short little life. I am so blessed to have those pictures. She also took a video of part of his life. I had not watched the video. I had actually forgotten I even had it. I watched it this weekend. Oh, my heart just broke to see him alive again...and at the same time such joy to have a video of him. I watched it over the weekend with no sound and last night I wondered if the camera had picked up what I was saying to him. I was talking to him the whole video. I re-watched it last night with heart just broke. I was telling him how much I loved him. I was telling him how sorry I was his daddy didn't get to meet him. I told him how beautiful he was. I told him how much I loved him. I kissed his little fingers. I kissed his face. And, then the nurse took his heart rate and told me he was gone. He took his last breath in the video. I took his little hand and told him it was okay...he could go to heaven, mommy would stay I said that you can hear my mom say..."it is okay honey...Jesus is waiting for him with open arms." Oh that little boy was so loved...both his grandmothers, his mommy, and one aunt stood and watched as he took his last little breath. I kissed him goodbye and he went home to Jesus. What a lucky little boy to be surrounded with such love. Both grandmas loved him beyond measure. This was Ken's moms first grand baby. I am blessed she was there and able to meet her grandson and I know she loved him so much. Trent was my moms sixth grand baby and I know she loved him so so much. And, as hard as it must have been for Bridget to watch her nephew come into this world and her big sister to say goodbye all at the same time...she kept snapping those pictures and captured his last breath on video. I will treasure that for always. I feel asleep last night with my mom's voice playing over and over again in my head..."It's okay honey...Jesus is waiting for him with open arms."

I have said it over and over again to myself today...

"It's okay honey...Jesus is waiting for him with open arms."

I said hello and goodbye all in one day. That day changed me forever. I still can't figure out how I will ever get over this but, I know that Jesus was waiting on my baby boy and He is still holding me as I figure this new life out.


lis said...

im glad you have your faith to get you through this uncertain and unpredictable time. women and men start to grieve very differently after a time so make sure to keep the lines of communication open and respect your husband even if it seems as if he's closing the door a little bit...he doesn't have the online support and a place to vent his feelings.

i just read this and my heart called out wishing i had had the foresight to have a camera. my babies came out pink and one was alive. what i wouldn't give to have video and 200+ are a very lucky woman. the pics i do have of my girls were taken too late and their precious skin had started to turn :(


MissingYouAlways said...

Reading other baby loss mommys blogs is a hard thing to do, and while it is heartbreaking to see that someone else has to feel the pain that you are also feeling, it is also comforting to know that you not alone. Reading these blogs, although alot of times I break down crying, is the only ONLY thing that has gotten me through this as well as I have. Im not going to lie and tell you that it gets easier, it doesnt, You will always remember your sweet boy, there are always going to be days you break down crying..


when I first lost Jordan, I couldnt eat, could barely sleep for weeks, and would cry endlessly. and on top of losing jordan, my husband cheated on me and left me AT our sons memorial service.
I had to deal with two losses. two losses completley different, but yet two losses that were so painful, in different ways.

and through all that, I have gotten better bit by bit. he never leaves my mind. I still cry sometimes.

but I have still found a way to live, to love, and to laugh.

it still isnt easy.

I wish I could take all your pain away, or tell you what to do to make things better, but there is nothing I can say to make anything go away

im so sorry.

praying for you and your family

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry that you are hurting immensely right now. I think it's ok to allow yourself to feel all of this. It's OK to feel sad. Somehow our society wants to 'make everything better' ASAP and when it comes to grief, well, that takes awhile.

I'm so glad you're finding others to help you through who can relate.

I know you'll emerge from this. The cloud cover will lift. But in your own time. Don't rush it. In the meantime, wonder if it would be helpful to end your posts with 'What I'm Grateful For' or something like that, so that even if you're not feeling happy, you can point to some positives and over time will help with the grief and cloud cover?

I know I sought out blogs like that in my grief this winter and for instance really like how this person ends her blogs each time with a prayer to God:

Hope that helps. I also enjoyed your 26 factoids! :) In the meantime, many, many (((hugs)))

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