my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Thursday, April 29, 2010

not this way

I had a friend today telling me about her brother-in-law. He was diagnosed with colon cancer about two years ago and went in for a check up yesterday. The cancer had spread rapidly through his body and the doctors gave him six months to live. My friend went on to tell me how devastated the parents are. They are 86 and 85 and her brother-in-law is in his 40's. I told her how sorry I was. And, how awful cancer can be. She KEPT going on and on and on about how sad it was that these 80 year old parents would have to watch their son die. She said about five times how it isn't supposed to happen like that. How the parents should die first. I was trying so hard to be sympathetic and then I finally said, "I know how they feel. I am 30 and I watched my only son die." Oops, I did it again. I reminded someone that my son just died four months ago. (four months...can you believe it?) I sometimes wonder if others had held him would he have been more real to them. I wonder if he would have been 5 days or 10 weeks or 2 years people would give me more credit for my grief? I sometimes just feel like a statistic. I feel like the whole world is moving around me and I am standing here trying to catch my breath. I am SO sad for this poor man who is dying of cancer. But, I know what it is like to be a parent losing a child. I hate that I know what that means. I hate that I fall into that category...but, I do. And, I will for the rest of my life.

I loved that little boy and I miss him like crazy. His due date is upon us...my first mothers day as a mom...and he is dead. These next two weeks will not be easy.

6 comments:

lis said...

im so sorry but i know exactly how you feel

xoxo

Curls O Fred said...

No, these next weeks aren't easy. I don't have a due date to work with though. Ours has come and gone already. Wishing you as much peace as possible these next few days. Lots of ((((((hugs))))))

littleharves said...

some people just make you have to say it out loud, they do need reminding and its so ok to do that. i'm dreading the next 2 weeks also. i've organised a balloon release for international babylost mothers day on sunday in my home town, i'm sure public displays of crying will be involved..... big hugs xxx anne

myinfertilitywoes said...

thinking of you with these weeks ahead. We're all here for you. (((hugs)))

myinfertilitywoes said...

also - don't know if you've found her yet, but I LOVE Find Joy Now. She is in pain but somehow finds a way to bring the positive in our lives to the forefront. You may enjoy her post today: http://findjoynow.blogspot.com/2010/04/what-if-i-can-never-just-be-happy-with.html

myinfertilitywoes said...

You may also like: http://www.themaybebaby.com/. She lost her babies a year ago. She has a great post today.

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