my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Monday, April 19, 2010

ugh

sometimes I hate being me. Sometimes I just want to be one of those people who seems to have it easy!! I know that everyone has their struggles. I just wish mine were easier!!! I talk to women and hear of women and see women that get pregnant like it is no big deal! And, there is me...we struggle for so long and then we lose him. WHY ME??? Why do some of us have to fight so hard to be a mom and others have it so easy and don't even seem to care?? I wish I understood this world.

I started this blog about two months ago and in that time have come to know many, many woman who have lost their babies. It is crazy how many of us there are! I truly never knew so many woman lost children. I just thought you got pregnant and had a baby. oh to be so niave again...

I was at the gym yesterday and that question, so simple for most to answer, so power packed for me, "Do you have any kids?" Here I am sweating, panting, and pretty much dying on the dumb elliptical...how to answer?? "Yes, but he is in heaven." There were three of us on the machines that day...and come to find out all three of us had angels in heaven. One baby girl lost at six months, one just a few weeks in and my precious Trent. How can it be three women and all three with one in heaven.

I want to hold him again. I want to kiss him again. I want to be his mommy.

3 comments:

lis said...

ooh pretty layout!
i agree, it is so hard to see all these girls who have been where we are and worse. it just breaks my heart all over again every time.
the pictures are just amazingly beautiful and so is your sweet and perfect son.

xoxo

michelle hendrix-swords said...

it's so sad, but women just seem to come out of the woodwork who have lost a baby. i only knew of one woman before i lost xavier that had lost and suddenly there are all these women who i knew, but didn't know about the miscarriage or stillbirth. of course now i have a whole online community of babylost moms, but it's so sad. why any of us? why not people who didn't really want a baby? why?

Antoinette said...

i know exactly how you feel....I started the posters for the walk on sunday and have over 100 baby names now and my heart breaks for each one of their families cause i know their pain first hand. I wish we would be those people to get to bring the baby home...i just feel like life isnt fair sometimes...to get to know such kind hearted loving mothers and fathers...you need to part of the baby loss momma crew..i have yet to meet someone who is nasty in this crew, yet i know PLENTY of women who have these babies so easily and are VERY nasty...i hope God has answers for us or some sort of happiness in our futures..it just seems so far fetched to think we will be happy one day, as happy as we were to be having these babies..((hugs)) ps. Trenton is on my poster too...

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