my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Monday, May 31, 2010

One more day

Can I just say I hate this new life, I hate that infant death even happens. I hate that any of us have to know what this utterly, overwhelming, emptiness feels like. I have just been thinking about how much I want out of this club...but, my son is dead. And, not coming pack.

But, everyday is a new day. Everyday holds the promise of a new dream, new hope, new love. I will love my Trenton James forever. I don't know how to stop loving him, I am his mother and a mothers love does not end in the wake of death.

Friday, May 28, 2010

storage

When I first got pregnant with Trent I rented a storage unit. Ken and I were in a tiny apartment and I wanted space for baby stuff!! I haven't been there in months. After the baby died I called Ken's aunt and cousin to clean out our apartment of baby items. They took most of it to their storage unit. But, I had some in my car, some in closets they didn't see, and some at work. Ken put it all in storage after we got back home.

I am sure you can see where I am headed with this...I went there today. I needed to drop some stuff off. OH to see all that baby stuff...just sitting there. Not being used. My heart broke into a million pieces all over again.

My sisters are coming to visit us here in Texas in just a few weeks. Bridget, 16, will be staying with us for 23 days!! Cassie and Alex, who are the parents to Aubree Lynn, born one week after Trent will be here for eight days. Aubree will be coming with them (of course) so, I plan to pull the pack-n-play, bumbo, the diapers, baby wash...all the stuff a baby needs when she stays with you for eight days. I couldn't do it today. I will try again this weekend. It was so hard just to see it all there. I am so looking forward to meeting Aubree...but, I know it will be oh so hard!! Cassie and I were pregnant at the same time and planned to raise our kids together.

Who knew a storage unit could bring so much pain?

Monday, May 24, 2010

what next...

How is that I am here?

I have asked myself this over and over and over again.

I can say the words, "my son is dead." I can remember his tiny body being in my arms. But, still it can't be real. It can't be me. It can't be my story. It can't be my life. It can't be my son.

But, it is. How??

How did I get here?

Would it have been easier to never have known him?

Would it have been better to have my womb empty for all my life?

What if he was our only chance?

What if he was our only child?

What if he was it?

He is dead. Gone. Forever.

How can this be my life?

This grief thing is crazy. One minute I am fine...the next I am crying for my baby boy. I can't figure out how to live within this new reality.

I ask Ken from time to time if he blames me...if he hates me, even a little, for losing his son. Some days I just wish he would say yes. Some days I wish someone would blame me...so that this pain I feel would not be unfounded. I could feel guilt placed on me by someone else...not just myself.

Some days I feel as though I have no purpose. I feel like there is nothing left for me. I am Ken's wife and that is a very important job to me. But, I was ready to be Trent's mommy. I was ready to raise him and love him and adore him. But, that is gone now. What next?

What next?

I think that is the next phase for me. I need to figure out what next. I can't sit here forever looking back on those few moments I had. I will ALWAYS treasure them. But, I need a purpose. I need a reason. I need a what next?

When you are pregnant the thoughts of your child are all consuming. When your child dies in your arms...what next?

I have kept myself busy with other stuff in the last four and a half months...but, what next?

I can't keep doing this busy game forever. I need a purpose. I need a plan.

I need a what next...

"I cry out to God Most High, to God, who fulfills [his purpose] for me" (Psalm 57:2).

Lord God, I don't feel purposeful at all right now, but I'm starting to be curious about what it is You want me to do. Amen.

I am going to have a new, changed identity. God is calling me for a specific purpose, and I can trust Him to accomplish His purpose in my life.

I will wait on Him to show me...what next...

Saturday, May 22, 2010

I forgot...

I forgot the most important part......I AM OVULATING! For a girl with pcos ... This doesn't happen every month! But, I am using those sticks you pee on and today...two lines!

PRAY FOR CONCEPTION, PRAY FOR TWO PINK LINES FOR A DIFFERENT REASON IN A FEW WEEKS!

Figured it out

I think I figured it out. I think I know why it hurts so much more now.

Ken and I had breakfast this morning and then spent the whole day shopping. At breakfast I said to him, "how much better would this Saturday morning have been if we would have been awakened by our baby boys cry?" I started crying...again.

But, I think this is it. During the time when I should have still been pregnant I could not stand to see pregnant women. But, they don't seem to bother me anymore. It is the babies now. Now that my due date has come and gone...I should have a baby boy with me. I think that is why I keep falling apart.

He should be in my arm

Thursday, May 20, 2010

okay

I know so often it is much easier to be sad than to be happy.

But, there are moments of happiness in this new, screwed up life of mine.



We had company over to our new house on Tuesday night. My wonderful husband caught this moment shared between friends. See, I can still throw my head back and smile.

I thank God for that.

I have been up since around 3:30 this morning. Yes, I went to bed a midnight...not much sleep again. But, that is okay.

Okay.

That is my word for today.

I have to smile again. I have to laugh out loud again. And, more than once in a week.

So, for today I will try and be okay.

I will try to look at the world through the glasses of being a mother...not being the woman who lost her precious baby boy.

I will be grateful that I had the chance to hold him.

I will love today, the way He first loved us.

Today I will be okay...

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

my first born

I can't tell you when. I can't tell you why. I can't even tell you how...but, in the past few weeks this pain has become almost unbearable. I don't know if it has come with the move, his due date, mother's day, or all of the above. But, lately the pain is so all-consuming that some days I can't even seem to breathe.

Right now I feel completely hopeless, and all I can see in my mind is ruined dreams.

Right now I should have a nine day old baby boy (if he would have come on his due date.)

Right now I should be nursing him to sleep - not typing a blog about the pain I feel because he is gone...forever.

I am more medicated than I have ever been in my life. I am on ALOT of anxiety and depression drugs. Are they helping? Yes, however two nights ago Ken and I were sitting on the couch and all my meds were on the coffee table...I just started to cry because I can't believe I am so messed up I have to take 10 pills a day. It is pathetic. I am a pathetic mess.

I was at lunch the other day (my car was getting a new tire so I walked across the street and had lunch with myself). I was reading an email from an old friend who was a labor and delivery nurse. I wanted to know she knew people who have survived this. She sent me back such a wonderful email, filled with emotion and hope for our future. I cried and cried. When I realized I was in a crowded place with a plate of food not touched I got up and left. As I walked out of this place, people laughing, people eating, people living...I was dizzy with grief. I almost had to sit back down. My head swirled with the idea that these people were living and I was dying from pain.

My heart is broken. It will never be complete again. Yes, we (maybe) can have another child. But, it will never be Trent. I wanted him!!!

I had someone say to me tonight, "well, you haven't had your first one yet." (speaking in the manner of the way kids act.) I answered under my breath, "Yes, I have." I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs....HE WAS HERE. HE LIVED. HE BREATHED. HE WAS/IS MY FIRST BORN CHILD. I CARRIED HIM. I LOVED HIM. I WILL LOVE HIM UNTIL THE DAY I DIE. I can't deny him.

He is my son.

Forever.

For always.

He is my first born.

I hate this new reality.

I want to be a sleep deprived mommy....oh wait I am...but, my lack of sleep is from the pain...not a crying newborn.

He will never cry.

He will never laugh.

He will never be in my arms.

Will you please join me in prayer for a rainbow baby? I want to get pregnant and have another one. I feel like if we all prayed together....please.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

moments

Have you seen the Sex in the City movie? I just watched it again tonight on HBO. It has been a year since I have seen it. Carrie is finally going to marry Big. But, on the day of the wedding he backs out. She is heart broken. Her three best friends take her to the resort she had booked for her huneymoon. There is a scene when she first gets to the hotel...she looks in he mirror and sees a shell of her former self. Her eyes are puffy from all the tears. I know that face all too well. When I was in the hospital with Trent I was on strict bedrest because of my incompetent cervix. The day he was born was my fifth day in the hospital. I had not been aloud to have a shower in those five days. I gave birth to him. Held him. Said goodbye. And, spent most of the day crying. When I finally got out of bed that day. I walked into the bathroom and saw that same face. Puffy eyes, miserable look, and the smell... I took a shower (with three gloves on my hand to keep the IV port dry) and just cried and cried. It was like it wasn't even real. As I watched Carrie's grief today ... it was like watching a different movie. I knew what her heart was feeling. I knew what it was like to sleep and sleep...which is funny because these days I can't sleep without help of very powerful drugs...and even then it doesn't always work...

I think I am to the anger stage. I fought it off for a very long time. But, oh I am so mad that God picked me to live through this. I wanted my son so much. I have cried SO much this weekend ... he should have moved with us. All I could think was we will never move with him. I will only ever have this box of memories and a photo album of pictures. I will only every get to put his urn in our new homes. I will never NEVER have him with me. I know it has been four and a half months...but, it still hurts SO very much.

That night in the hospital, after I took my very long shower. I put on a clean hosptial gown and climbed back in bed. Ken and his mom were still there. The nurses had already taken out his little body. I know they had put him just down the hall so that when Ken's dad landed he could hold his first grandson. I laid in my bed for a few minutes aching to feel the weight of him again. I got up and went and found his little body. They had him in the nurses closet. They had put a blanket over his nursery crib. His name tag "Baby Weatherford" still on it. I picked up my son in that tiny little closet and held him close to my face. He was so very cold. But, he was mine. I had to hold him. I rocked him and rocked him. I knew he was already gone...but, his perfect little body was still here and I needed to spend some one on one time with him. I sang him the songs we had picked out for his funeral the next day. I told him the plan of salvation. I knew he was already in heaven. But, I felt like I needed to share that with him. He was already there. He had already meet our Savior. But, I was still here and I needed to know that he knew it. I sang a few of my favorite songs from childhood to him. I told him over and over again how much I loved him. I told hime over and over and over and over how sorry was I robbed him of his whole life with my stupid cervix. I told him I had fought hard for him. I told him I would miss him forever. I kissed him one last time and laid him to rest in his crib.

In those moments my life was forever changed. I was now the mommy to a beautiful baby boy in heaven. I had no idea how hard this road was going to be. I was numb at that point. I was just like Carrie in Mexico. I felt nothing and everything all at the same time. I will never again be the woman I was before 1/5/10.

I love my baby boy so so so much. I miss him every single day.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

a new place

SO, we started the move to our beautiful new town house yesterday! It is an exciting time. New beginnings and all...

I had a neighbor kid come up and introduce himself. I said hi and told him we were Ken and Trisha. My next thought was, "and this is our son Trent." I should have been able to say that. He should have been sitting in his car seat. He should have been there. I couldn't help thinking when I put boxes in the 2nd bedroom how we should be unpacking diapers and a crib. But, all of those things are put away in storage.

I have cried so much this week. Even with all the good it still hurts SO very much.

I wish I knew how to make it not hurt so much.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

the duggars

Let me start (before the ranting begins) with a little disclaimer. I like the Duggars. I like what they stand for. I like that they are bringing up their kids with God in their hearts. I like that they give God glory in every situation on normal TV.

However, seriously 19??? I have to say I'm a little jealous...ok a lot jealous. Why do they get 19 and I get none???? Why was their little girl who was born too early able to survive and my son didn't? Is it because I didn't pray hard enough? Did I not want him enough? Did I not fight hard enough for him? Did I not believe enough? Do I just not deserve to be a momma to a baby on earth?? Oh, I struggle so much with these demons that haunt me lately. Why not me?

My faith has not waivered in these last months. In fact I have found a new realtionship with God. I have needed Him more than I every have before. And, I do know that He had a reason for our son to die. I just don't know it. I know that I will have to wait until I reach heaven to get the answer. The funny thing is I used to fear death. I don't anymore...death means I get to see Trent again. No, I am not suicidal...I am not going to do anything stupid. I just know when my time is up I will be with my son again...and spend all of eternity thanking God for him.

Again, I am grateful that Josie (their youngest) is doing well. But, oh how I wish the NICU could have saved mine. I wish it was me bringing home a baby that is way too tiny for his carseat. I with it were me coming home with a little bundle of joy and worrying night and day about him. But, I get none and they get 19. Life doesn't seem fair does it?

I think I need a drink...nothing in the house...okay fine I will just take one of my new anxiety pills...

Monday, May 10, 2010

smile....NO

I don't smile at babies anymore. Well, that is not totally true...I smile at friends babies and family members babies. But, I don't smile at babies in stores, restaurants, or any where else out in the world. Their mothers look at me with expectant eyes. And, when I don't smile it is almost an evil look. They are so accustomed to people smiling it is like they don't know how to react when I don't. And, I'm a woman...I am supposed to smile. But, I want to scream at the top of my lungs, MY SON DIED IN MY ARMS FOUR MONTHS AGO....I DON'T WANT TO SMILE AT YOUR BEAUTIFUL BABY...it hurts too much. Isn't that awful? I love children. I rejoice for all the gifts God has given all these people. I guess bottom line is I am jealous. I will never have people smiling at my son. In fact these moms have no clue how bad my heart hurts. There is no sign on my back telling the story of our loss. But, there are reminders everywhere.

I did so well yesterday. Due date. Mothers Day. I survived. There were minimal tears. No break downs. But, today was different. It is like I was expecting to get past his due date and everything just be okay. But, it is not. He is still dead. His little life is still over. I just kept preparing myself for yesterday...not thinking that the next day would be just like the day before and the day before that....filled with grief and pain....filled with loss...filled with broken dreams...filled with my broken heart.

AND, to add insult to injury I still have milk....yes, you read that right four months and five days later and I still have milk. I never got to nurse my child but, I have carried milk for him all this time. Yes, I bound my breasts in the weeks after. Yes, I kept my bra on all the time. Yes, I turned away from the hot water. Yes, I put cabbage leaves on my boobs and smelled like trash. But, I still have milk. It is not like it is still leaking the way it was in the beginning. It is just a small amount. But, it is still there.

So, here I am the day after his due date...and no baby in my arms.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

blessings of motherhood

There are so many reasons to cry today...and I have. I have cried for my baby boy. I have cried for my dreams. I have cried for my family that lost him.

But, I have so much to be thankful for. I am truly blessed. Four months ago I could not have typed that sentence. After Trent died I thought I would never live again. I thought my life was over. The truth is my life, the life I used to know, is over. I have started a new adventure now. My new life is being a mommy to a beautiful baby boy in heaven and believe it or not there are blessings that come with that...

I am blessed that I have a mom who cries with me, grieves with me, and loves my son with me. I am blessed that she loves me so much that if she could she would take all this pain away and live it herself. I am blessed that she prays for me, she sends me emails to encourage me, and she calls just to see how I am...how I really am. I am blessed that she knows I will never be the same daughter...but, she loves me anyway.

I am blessed by my amazing husband. I am blessed that when the tears start to flow he grabs me and holds me tight...no questions, no judgement, nothing but pure love. I am blessed that he took me out to celebrate our sons life last night. I have talked to many baby loss mommas whose husbands don't seem to understand the grief...but, Ken loves Trent. Ken misses Trent...and that blesses my heart. At dinner last night we shared a bottle of wine and Ken toasted me, "To our beautiful son...and to his beautiful mother...you will always be his mommy honey." I am truly blessed to have a man that understand how much I need to be acknowledged as his mother.

I am blessed to have in-laws who loved their grandson from the minute they knew he was growing within me. They loved him the way any grandparents would love. My mother in law was going to make all of his bedding for me. We had picked out fabric and designs. It meant so much to me that my son was going to sleep on something hand made by his grandmother. I am blessed that when Ken called them that day in the hospital they dropped every thing and flew from Missouri to Florida to be by our sides. I am blessed that my mother in law stayed and that the day Trent was born my father in law flew back to meet him. I am blessed that they still think of us...that they still love me even though I lost their first grand son.

I am blessed by my sisters. Bridget, the youngest, calls me every single Tuesday without fail. She sends me pictures of his name. She loves him. She took all the pictures for me in the hospital. Cassie, the middle one, gave birth to my beautiful niece Aubree one week after Trent was born. She and I were pregnant at the same time. We traded pregnancy stories every day. We enjoyed our babies in our bellies together. Aubree was to be the sixth grandchild and Trent the seventh. But, that was not the way it happened. Trent came first. Cassie has grieved for my son while loving her perfect little girl. I know it has been hard for her to share stories of Aubree with me. But, I am blessed that Aubree lives. My little sister gave birth to a beautiful baby girl and that is a blessing. Kristen, the sister right under me, the strong one. She is always the rock in the family. She has loved me and prayed for me for these four months. She is an amazing mommy to her two perfect girls and I am blessed by them.

I am blessed by so many people in my life. I have new friends and old friends that have loved me through this awful time. I have a group of woman and church that have prayed, hugged, cried, and laughed with me. I have friends from every part of my life still encouraging me every single day. I have friends that have sent me cards, flowers, gifts, and love. They have stood by me. They have remembered my son today. They have honored his life.

I am blessed by my God. He has carried me through these last four months. There were many days I could not walk on my own. He has give me strength. He has given me hope to carry on. He gave me my son.

I am blessed that I was picked to be Trenton James' mommy. I am blessed that I got to carry his little life for six months. I am blessed that I got to hold him for his entire life. I am blessed that I was there to watch him take his last breath. I am blessed that he graced my life with such joy. I would not trade this pain because this pain means that I have a little boy in heaven waiting on me to get there. I am blessed to know what a mother's love truly is now.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

due date

We have arrived...the night before his due date.

Oh, what I would give to be having contractions right now.

What I would give to know he was on his way.

What I would give to know I would have my whole life with him in my arms.

But, my reality is the contractions already came...for 21 hours on Jan 4 and 5.
He has already been here. His tiny precious life is already over. My arms will never feel the weight of him again.

It is funny that a due date can hold so much emotion...but, when they do those ultrasounds and give you that date all of a sudden your whole life revolves around it. We thought how perfect that he would come in May...our lease was up on our apartment and we could finally move into a house. Ken would be done teaching at the end of the month and spend the whole summer helping me. I would be done being pregnant before the heat of West Texas really set in...and most importantly we would have a baby boy to raise.

I will always carry him in my heart. I will always love him. I hope that next time we get pregnant I can make it to the due date.

Friday, May 7, 2010

a smile today

I opened my PO box today and inside found two mother's day cards. I was moved to tears. It is all I have ever wanted...to be a mommy. I am not a traditional one...but, I am still one. It has taken me a while to accept that fact. I know that I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy...but, he went to heaven too soon...so, I have not given myself the permission to call myself "mom." With mother's day around the corner I was so worried...but, oh these two cards warmed my heart. They confirm the thing I feared I would never have...I am a mother. I will always be a mother. If we never have another child...I will be Trent's mommy.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

...

i am falling apart today...

i have tried so hard to put on the happy face...

but, oh i want him back so much...

i read this today on a friends facebook...

"...The moment that a mother finds out that her child has died is one that she will never forget. Time stood still, my heart stopped beating, and a big part of me died with him. No words can describe the feelings of looking down at your baby and seeing a sleeping angel. Even though you don't want to remember that day y...ou never want to forget. Every moment, every detail, every tear is etched in your heart forever..."

it is true that part of me died with him that day...

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

4 months

Happy 4 month birthday baby boy!!!

Mommy survived the day...is surviving the week.

He came too early but, this week still holds the promise of his due date. I wish so much it was different.

I have found joy this week. Ken and I are shopping for new furniture for our new home!! I LOVE shopping!!! We have bought a new mattress, new dishes, and of course I bought myself an early mother's day gift...a beautiful (way too expensive) Coach bag. I love shopping and it brings me great joy.

Today I shared his story with more people than I had in a long time. And, the funny thing is I wasn't trying to ... it just kept happening. It was like God kept opening doors for me to share his beautiful story.

I have stopped asking "why me" I will be content with the life God has handed me. It is not an easy one. But, I know he picked me for this. He picked my son. He had it planned before I even knew Ken. I held onto Him more in these last four months than I have in my whole life. I am trying to figure out how to live in this new life. I will honor my son every way I can.

I will love him for always...as long as I'm living...his mommy I'll be!

Monday, May 3, 2010

oh

There were easier days, right?

Sometimes I can't remember them. Sometimes I can't see ever having them again.

I have missed so much in not being able to be his mommy on earth. I will never watch him play t-ball. I will never have him crawl in bed with me on a Saturday morning. I will never hold his little hand when he is scared. I will never watch him drift to sleep.

I miss him. I miss all that he would have been.

He had a perfect little life. He got 22 minutes of pure love from his mommy. He had no pain. He had no fear. He went straight from my arms into the arms of our Maker. But, oh my heart is broken for him.

Will the tears every stop? Will my heart ever heal?

This week is his 4 month birthday/deathday. It is Mother's Day and his due date...will I survive the week?

I really hope so. It will be my first mother's day. Do I still get to celebrate it even if my son is dead?

We are moving into our new home next week. I spent all weekend packing, packing, and move packing. All of the baby stuff that was purchased for him is in storage. So, I didn't have to worry about packing that. But, I have his pictures, his urn, his plaque, his little cross, his memory box from the hospital, and all the cards I got in the weeks after he died. I packed them all in a box together. I marked it "Trent's stuff" I should have boxes and boxes of toys, bottles, diapers...all the baby accessories to move...but, I have one little box. It is heart breaking. This move is good for us. I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to be in the place we came home from the hospital too. I don't want to be where I started his nursery. I don't want to be where I pictured our life. I am ready for this move. It is a positive step for us.

Oh, how I miss that baby boy.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

baby loss mother's day



Oh, to not be celebrating this day.
To not know it even exsisted.
To still have my dreams intact.
To still be so ignorant to think everyone gets to bring their beautiful baby home.

This is not our story.

So many of us fall into this new reality.

Why?

I guess that answer is for another time.

How I wish for all of us were holding our angels today.

But, today is something so different for us.

I am sorry.

I love you Trent!!! I miss you more than I can even put into words.
 
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