my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Sunday, May 9, 2010

blessings of motherhood

There are so many reasons to cry today...and I have. I have cried for my baby boy. I have cried for my dreams. I have cried for my family that lost him.

But, I have so much to be thankful for. I am truly blessed. Four months ago I could not have typed that sentence. After Trent died I thought I would never live again. I thought my life was over. The truth is my life, the life I used to know, is over. I have started a new adventure now. My new life is being a mommy to a beautiful baby boy in heaven and believe it or not there are blessings that come with that...

I am blessed that I have a mom who cries with me, grieves with me, and loves my son with me. I am blessed that she loves me so much that if she could she would take all this pain away and live it herself. I am blessed that she prays for me, she sends me emails to encourage me, and she calls just to see how I I really am. I am blessed that she knows I will never be the same daughter...but, she loves me anyway.

I am blessed by my amazing husband. I am blessed that when the tears start to flow he grabs me and holds me questions, no judgement, nothing but pure love. I am blessed that he took me out to celebrate our sons life last night. I have talked to many baby loss mommas whose husbands don't seem to understand the grief...but, Ken loves Trent. Ken misses Trent...and that blesses my heart. At dinner last night we shared a bottle of wine and Ken toasted me, "To our beautiful son...and to his beautiful will always be his mommy honey." I am truly blessed to have a man that understand how much I need to be acknowledged as his mother.

I am blessed to have in-laws who loved their grandson from the minute they knew he was growing within me. They loved him the way any grandparents would love. My mother in law was going to make all of his bedding for me. We had picked out fabric and designs. It meant so much to me that my son was going to sleep on something hand made by his grandmother. I am blessed that when Ken called them that day in the hospital they dropped every thing and flew from Missouri to Florida to be by our sides. I am blessed that my mother in law stayed and that the day Trent was born my father in law flew back to meet him. I am blessed that they still think of us...that they still love me even though I lost their first grand son.

I am blessed by my sisters. Bridget, the youngest, calls me every single Tuesday without fail. She sends me pictures of his name. She loves him. She took all the pictures for me in the hospital. Cassie, the middle one, gave birth to my beautiful niece Aubree one week after Trent was born. She and I were pregnant at the same time. We traded pregnancy stories every day. We enjoyed our babies in our bellies together. Aubree was to be the sixth grandchild and Trent the seventh. But, that was not the way it happened. Trent came first. Cassie has grieved for my son while loving her perfect little girl. I know it has been hard for her to share stories of Aubree with me. But, I am blessed that Aubree lives. My little sister gave birth to a beautiful baby girl and that is a blessing. Kristen, the sister right under me, the strong one. She is always the rock in the family. She has loved me and prayed for me for these four months. She is an amazing mommy to her two perfect girls and I am blessed by them.

I am blessed by so many people in my life. I have new friends and old friends that have loved me through this awful time. I have a group of woman and church that have prayed, hugged, cried, and laughed with me. I have friends from every part of my life still encouraging me every single day. I have friends that have sent me cards, flowers, gifts, and love. They have stood by me. They have remembered my son today. They have honored his life.

I am blessed by my God. He has carried me through these last four months. There were many days I could not walk on my own. He has give me strength. He has given me hope to carry on. He gave me my son.

I am blessed that I was picked to be Trenton James' mommy. I am blessed that I got to carry his little life for six months. I am blessed that I got to hold him for his entire life. I am blessed that I was there to watch him take his last breath. I am blessed that he graced my life with such joy. I would not trade this pain because this pain means that I have a little boy in heaven waiting on me to get there. I am blessed to know what a mother's love truly is now.


fuzzandfuzzlet said...

I thought of you today.

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