my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

the duggars

Let me start (before the ranting begins) with a little disclaimer. I like the Duggars. I like what they stand for. I like that they are bringing up their kids with God in their hearts. I like that they give God glory in every situation on normal TV.

However, seriously 19??? I have to say I'm a little jealous...ok a lot jealous. Why do they get 19 and I get none???? Why was their little girl who was born too early able to survive and my son didn't? Is it because I didn't pray hard enough? Did I not want him enough? Did I not fight hard enough for him? Did I not believe enough? Do I just not deserve to be a momma to a baby on earth?? Oh, I struggle so much with these demons that haunt me lately. Why not me?

My faith has not waivered in these last months. In fact I have found a new realtionship with God. I have needed Him more than I every have before. And, I do know that He had a reason for our son to die. I just don't know it. I know that I will have to wait until I reach heaven to get the answer. The funny thing is I used to fear death. I don't anymore...death means I get to see Trent again. No, I am not suicidal...I am not going to do anything stupid. I just know when my time is up I will be with my son again...and spend all of eternity thanking God for him.

Again, I am grateful that Josie (their youngest) is doing well. But, oh how I wish the NICU could have saved mine. I wish it was me bringing home a baby that is way too tiny for his carseat. I with it were me coming home with a little bundle of joy and worrying night and day about him. But, I get none and they get 19. Life doesn't seem fair does it?

I think I need a drink...nothing in the house...okay fine I will just take one of my new anxiety pills...


Antoinette said...

Trisha, I didnt have a preterm baby...BUT i agree 100% with you..her and I were do the same week and i find myself really struggling with my daughter 6lbs 6oz and 19 inches did not make it my baby's heart stopping at 36 weeks for no reason and her baby who was not even 2lbs and born last year is still here and now going home...I often wonder if the power of prayer is that strong, or is it that they just are "lucky" i know she did have a m/c after her first child, so she does actually have 20!! one angel...and 19 earth babies...and all we wanted was to bring that ONE baby home....i guess im happy for them and their miracle, but i question it too!!

fuzzandfuzzlet said...

Sorry if this post twice, I am having technical problems tonight.

I watch the Duggers from time to time. I think they are great parents and are doing a great job with all of their kids. I think they are sincerely good and kind people.

I do avoid watch them a lot because their claim that God has blessed them with so many children can often rub me the wrong way. It almost seems to suggest they are 19 times blessed because they are better? More deserving? It almost seems to say that I was not blessed (with pregnancy, we did build our family through the miracle of adoption) because I am somehow less good? less deserving?

Yes I think that all babies are a blessing, that all children are a miracle. I think that God gives us the miracle of a reproductive system. As with any system in our body sometimes things go awry. If you have a bad heart people don`t suggest you are not deserving of good health? They simply accept that you have heart problems. Why oh why is it suggested that if you have problems wit your reproductive organs you are being punished?

I know your questions are not meant for us to answer, but I am going to give you my thoughts on the questions you asked.

Why was their little girl who was born too early able to survive and my son didn't?

Because sometimes life can be really random and unfair. I personally believe that God grieves your loss with you. Trent was an amazing miracle, his life was to short. Trent was as deserving of a good outcome as Josie.

Is it because I didn't pray hard enough?
Nope. Like I said I think God grieves with you.

Did I not want him enough? I can`t imagine that a baby has ever been wanted more.

Did I not fight hard enough for him?
You fought hard enough to give him those precious minutes of life. You fought hard enough to allow him to live and die with dignity. You fought the good fight. You could not have fought any harder.

Did I not believe enough?

Of course you did.

Do I just not deserve to be a momma to a baby on earth??

You deserve to be a mommy. You WILL be a mommy. More important a very special (earth)baby deserves to have YOU as his or her mommy.

The Duggers are blessed. But they have also been darn lucky. So much could have gone wrong with each of their pregnancies. You are as deserving as anyone to be on the good end of that luck. Sometimes luck is not about deserving, it is just random good or bad luck.

Remember blame is a natural part of the grieving process. Right now you seem to be blaming yourself. This was NOT any ones fault, and surly not your fault. I encourage you to take a few minutes each day to be gentle with yourself. Say kind things to yourself. Send a positive message to yourself.

May 11, 2010 10:01 PM

May 11, 2010 10:08 PM

Trisha said...

thank you so much for that...i needed to hear those words...i needed to know that someone else believes in me...

Anonymous said...

If we trust God with our eternity, we have to trust Him with our now.

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