Have you seen the Sex in the City movie? I just watched it again tonight on HBO. It has been a year since I have seen it. Carrie is finally going to marry Big. But, on the day of the wedding he backs out. She is heart broken. Her three best friends take her to the resort she had booked for her huneymoon. There is a scene when she first gets to the hotel...she looks in he mirror and sees a shell of her former self. Her eyes are puffy from all the tears. I know that face all too well. When I was in the hospital with Trent I was on strict bedrest because of my incompetent cervix. The day he was born was my fifth day in the hospital. I had not been aloud to have a shower in those five days. I gave birth to him. Held him. Said goodbye. And, spent most of the day crying. When I finally got out of bed that day. I walked into the bathroom and saw that same face. Puffy eyes, miserable look, and the smell... I took a shower (with three gloves on my hand to keep the IV port dry) and just cried and cried. It was like it wasn't even real. As I watched Carrie's grief today ... it was like watching a different movie. I knew what her heart was feeling. I knew what it was like to sleep and sleep...which is funny because these days I can't sleep without help of very powerful drugs...and even then it doesn't always work...
I think I am to the anger stage. I fought it off for a very long time. But, oh I am so mad that God picked me to live through this. I wanted my son so much. I have cried SO much this weekend ... he should have moved with us. All I could think was we will never move with him. I will only ever have this box of memories and a photo album of pictures. I will only every get to put his urn in our new homes. I will never NEVER have him with me. I know it has been four and a half months...but, it still hurts SO very much.
That night in the hospital, after I took my very long shower. I put on a clean hosptial gown and climbed back in bed. Ken and his mom were still there. The nurses had already taken out his little body. I know they had put him just down the hall so that when Ken's dad landed he could hold his first grandson. I laid in my bed for a few minutes aching to feel the weight of him again. I got up and went and found his little body. They had him in the nurses closet. They had put a blanket over his nursery crib. His name tag "Baby Weatherford" still on it. I picked up my son in that tiny little closet and held him close to my face. He was so very cold. But, he was mine. I had to hold him. I rocked him and rocked him. I knew he was already gone...but, his perfect little body was still here and I needed to spend some one on one time with him. I sang him the songs we had picked out for his funeral the next day. I told him the plan of salvation. I knew he was already in heaven. But, I felt like I needed to share that with him. He was already there. He had already meet our Savior. But, I was still here and I needed to know that he knew it. I sang a few of my favorite songs from childhood to him. I told him over and over again how much I loved him. I told hime over and over and over and over how sorry was I robbed him of his whole life with my stupid cervix. I told him I had fought hard for him. I told him I would miss him forever. I kissed him one last time and laid him to rest in his crib.
In those moments my life was forever changed. I was now the mommy to a beautiful baby boy in heaven. I had no idea how hard this road was going to be. I was numb at that point. I was just like Carrie in Mexico. I felt nothing and everything all at the same time. I will never again be the woman I was before 1/5/10.
I love my baby boy so so so much. I miss him every single day.