I can't tell you when. I can't tell you why. I can't even tell you how...but, in the past few weeks this pain has become almost unbearable. I don't know if it has come with the move, his due date, mother's day, or all of the above. But, lately the pain is so all-consuming that some days I can't even seem to breathe.
Right now I feel completely hopeless, and all I can see in my mind is ruined dreams.
Right now I should have a nine day old baby boy (if he would have come on his due date.)
Right now I should be nursing him to sleep - not typing a blog about the pain I feel because he is gone...forever.
I am more medicated than I have ever been in my life. I am on ALOT of anxiety and depression drugs. Are they helping? Yes, however two nights ago Ken and I were sitting on the couch and all my meds were on the coffee table...I just started to cry because I can't believe I am so messed up I have to take 10 pills a day. It is pathetic. I am a pathetic mess.
I was at lunch the other day (my car was getting a new tire so I walked across the street and had lunch with myself). I was reading an email from an old friend who was a labor and delivery nurse. I wanted to know she knew people who have survived this. She sent me back such a wonderful email, filled with emotion and hope for our future. I cried and cried. When I realized I was in a crowded place with a plate of food not touched I got up and left. As I walked out of this place, people laughing, people eating, people living...I was dizzy with grief. I almost had to sit back down. My head swirled with the idea that these people were living and I was dying from pain.
My heart is broken. It will never be complete again. Yes, we (maybe) can have another child. But, it will never be Trent. I wanted him!!!
I had someone say to me tonight, "well, you haven't had your first one yet." (speaking in the manner of the way kids act.) I answered under my breath, "Yes, I have." I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs....HE WAS HERE. HE LIVED. HE BREATHED. HE WAS/IS MY FIRST BORN CHILD. I CARRIED HIM. I LOVED HIM. I WILL LOVE HIM UNTIL THE DAY I DIE. I can't deny him.
He is my son.
He is my first born.
I hate this new reality.
I want to be a sleep deprived mommy....oh wait I am...but, my lack of sleep is from the pain...not a crying newborn.
He will never cry.
He will never laugh.
He will never be in my arms.
Will you please join me in prayer for a rainbow baby? I want to get pregnant and have another one. I feel like if we all prayed together....please.