my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

my first born

I can't tell you when. I can't tell you why. I can't even tell you how...but, in the past few weeks this pain has become almost unbearable. I don't know if it has come with the move, his due date, mother's day, or all of the above. But, lately the pain is so all-consuming that some days I can't even seem to breathe.

Right now I feel completely hopeless, and all I can see in my mind is ruined dreams.

Right now I should have a nine day old baby boy (if he would have come on his due date.)

Right now I should be nursing him to sleep - not typing a blog about the pain I feel because he is gone...forever.

I am more medicated than I have ever been in my life. I am on ALOT of anxiety and depression drugs. Are they helping? Yes, however two nights ago Ken and I were sitting on the couch and all my meds were on the coffee table...I just started to cry because I can't believe I am so messed up I have to take 10 pills a day. It is pathetic. I am a pathetic mess.

I was at lunch the other day (my car was getting a new tire so I walked across the street and had lunch with myself). I was reading an email from an old friend who was a labor and delivery nurse. I wanted to know she knew people who have survived this. She sent me back such a wonderful email, filled with emotion and hope for our future. I cried and cried. When I realized I was in a crowded place with a plate of food not touched I got up and left. As I walked out of this place, people laughing, people eating, people living...I was dizzy with grief. I almost had to sit back down. My head swirled with the idea that these people were living and I was dying from pain.

My heart is broken. It will never be complete again. Yes, we (maybe) can have another child. But, it will never be Trent. I wanted him!!!

I had someone say to me tonight, "well, you haven't had your first one yet." (speaking in the manner of the way kids act.) I answered under my breath, "Yes, I have." I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs....HE WAS HERE. HE LIVED. HE BREATHED. HE WAS/IS MY FIRST BORN CHILD. I CARRIED HIM. I LOVED HIM. I WILL LOVE HIM UNTIL THE DAY I DIE. I can't deny him.

He is my son.


For always.

He is my first born.

I hate this new reality.

I want to be a sleep deprived mommy....oh wait I am...but, my lack of sleep is from the pain...not a crying newborn.

He will never cry.

He will never laugh.

He will never be in my arms.

Will you please join me in prayer for a rainbow baby? I want to get pregnant and have another one. I feel like if we all prayed together....please.


Lori said...

I'm so, so sorry for your hurting heart...and I will definitely join you in prayer for a sweet little brother or sister. xoxo

michelle hendrix-swords said...

[heart] praying [heart]
much love and many hugs

Anonymous said...

Ooohhh!! I'm so sorry - but I know exactly how you feel. And I'm really sorry I haven't been around online for you lately - I've been having a lot of trouble coping and have had a bit of a break from being online, so I feel bad I've not been there for you. Not that I can make things better, but to be here beside and and agree - it's all awful. It's not fair. And I know how much it hurts to feel like you are the only one who remembers your son and that no one else even acknowledges he exists. I'm just broken inside, and unfortuantely you know just how I feel. I'm not religious at all, but I know it is very important for you so I will pray for you. So you might want to be careful - you might be stuck by lightening having someone like me pray for you!! (that last bit was my attempt at a joke - I won't be offended if you don't laugh if you won't be offended I made the joke!)

Trisha said...

thank you all!!! and yes, I laughed ;)

Curls O Fred said...

I'm a day late to this...but it is so hard some days...some weeks. You're not a pathetic mess. You're trying to make it through each day...and the fact that you're taking those pills, and for whatever reason even in a restaurant eating food shows the little steps you're taking. Giant (((hugs))) to you my dear.

Heather said...

Oh sweetie...(((HUGS)))) I hate this for you, so much, especially because I know how it feels to go through these times. Thinking of you.

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