my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Monday, May 3, 2010


There were easier days, right?

Sometimes I can't remember them. Sometimes I can't see ever having them again.

I have missed so much in not being able to be his mommy on earth. I will never watch him play t-ball. I will never have him crawl in bed with me on a Saturday morning. I will never hold his little hand when he is scared. I will never watch him drift to sleep.

I miss him. I miss all that he would have been.

He had a perfect little life. He got 22 minutes of pure love from his mommy. He had no pain. He had no fear. He went straight from my arms into the arms of our Maker. But, oh my heart is broken for him.

Will the tears every stop? Will my heart ever heal?

This week is his 4 month birthday/deathday. It is Mother's Day and his due date...will I survive the week?

I really hope so. It will be my first mother's day. Do I still get to celebrate it even if my son is dead?

We are moving into our new home next week. I spent all weekend packing, packing, and move packing. All of the baby stuff that was purchased for him is in storage. So, I didn't have to worry about packing that. But, I have his pictures, his urn, his plaque, his little cross, his memory box from the hospital, and all the cards I got in the weeks after he died. I packed them all in a box together. I marked it "Trent's stuff" I should have boxes and boxes of toys, bottles, diapers...all the baby accessories to move...but, I have one little box. It is heart breaking. This move is good for us. I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to be in the place we came home from the hospital too. I don't want to be where I started his nursery. I don't want to be where I pictured our life. I am ready for this move. It is a positive step for us.

Oh, how I miss that baby boy.


Curls O Fred said...

Hope the move goes smoothly. We also moved after losing Lyra. Hoping for an 'up' day for you amongst the 'downs'. ((hugs))

fuzzandfuzzlet said...

I am sorry you have so many hard things all in the same week. You WILL survive.

Of course you get to celebrate Mother`s Day!

Take care of yourself. Be gentle with yourself.

michelle hendrix-swords said...

you are a mother! you should celebrate mother's day! with God all things are possible and He will get you through this week of so much sorrow...much love being sent to you from me! {HUG}

myinfertilitywoes said...

hope the move will be good for you. big (((hugs))) this week...

brigette said...

So sorry!! Just came across your blog!! We to lost a baby boy... how the hurt stinks!! Sending you many hugs.. this is my second mothers day and it is hard!! I will pray for you good luck with your move!!

klarsen said...

Praying for you for strength and peace. xxx

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