my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Monday, May 10, 2010

smile....NO

I don't smile at babies anymore. Well, that is not totally true...I smile at friends babies and family members babies. But, I don't smile at babies in stores, restaurants, or any where else out in the world. Their mothers look at me with expectant eyes. And, when I don't smile it is almost an evil look. They are so accustomed to people smiling it is like they don't know how to react when I don't. And, I'm a woman...I am supposed to smile. But, I want to scream at the top of my lungs, MY SON DIED IN MY ARMS FOUR MONTHS AGO....I DON'T WANT TO SMILE AT YOUR BEAUTIFUL BABY...it hurts too much. Isn't that awful? I love children. I rejoice for all the gifts God has given all these people. I guess bottom line is I am jealous. I will never have people smiling at my son. In fact these moms have no clue how bad my heart hurts. There is no sign on my back telling the story of our loss. But, there are reminders everywhere.

I did so well yesterday. Due date. Mothers Day. I survived. There were minimal tears. No break downs. But, today was different. It is like I was expecting to get past his due date and everything just be okay. But, it is not. He is still dead. His little life is still over. I just kept preparing myself for yesterday...not thinking that the next day would be just like the day before and the day before that....filled with grief and pain....filled with loss...filled with broken dreams...filled with my broken heart.

AND, to add insult to injury I still have milk....yes, you read that right four months and five days later and I still have milk. I never got to nurse my child but, I have carried milk for him all this time. Yes, I bound my breasts in the weeks after. Yes, I kept my bra on all the time. Yes, I turned away from the hot water. Yes, I put cabbage leaves on my boobs and smelled like trash. But, I still have milk. It is not like it is still leaking the way it was in the beginning. It is just a small amount. But, it is still there.

So, here I am the day after his due date...and no baby in my arms.

1 comments:

myinfertilitywoes said...

Thinking of you today especially. I'm sure he's giving you hugs from up above. Much love & (((hugs))) to you...

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