my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Monday, May 24, 2010

what next...

How is that I am here?

I have asked myself this over and over and over again.

I can say the words, "my son is dead." I can remember his tiny body being in my arms. But, still it can't be real. It can't be me. It can't be my story. It can't be my life. It can't be my son.

But, it is. How??

How did I get here?

Would it have been easier to never have known him?

Would it have been better to have my womb empty for all my life?

What if he was our only chance?

What if he was our only child?

What if he was it?

He is dead. Gone. Forever.

How can this be my life?

This grief thing is crazy. One minute I am fine...the next I am crying for my baby boy. I can't figure out how to live within this new reality.

I ask Ken from time to time if he blames me...if he hates me, even a little, for losing his son. Some days I just wish he would say yes. Some days I wish someone would blame me...so that this pain I feel would not be unfounded. I could feel guilt placed on me by someone else...not just myself.

Some days I feel as though I have no purpose. I feel like there is nothing left for me. I am Ken's wife and that is a very important job to me. But, I was ready to be Trent's mommy. I was ready to raise him and love him and adore him. But, that is gone now. What next?

What next?

I think that is the next phase for me. I need to figure out what next. I can't sit here forever looking back on those few moments I had. I will ALWAYS treasure them. But, I need a purpose. I need a reason. I need a what next?

When you are pregnant the thoughts of your child are all consuming. When your child dies in your arms...what next?

I have kept myself busy with other stuff in the last four and a half months...but, what next?

I can't keep doing this busy game forever. I need a purpose. I need a plan.

I need a what next...

"I cry out to God Most High, to God, who fulfills [his purpose] for me" (Psalm 57:2).

Lord God, I don't feel purposeful at all right now, but I'm starting to be curious about what it is You want me to do. Amen.

I am going to have a new, changed identity. God is calling me for a specific purpose, and I can trust Him to accomplish His purpose in my life.

I will wait on Him to show me...what next...

2 comments:

tasivfer said...

Trent isn't gone forever; he's still in your heart. And he's real to me. He's as real and as 'here' to me as you are, and you've helped me a lot in the past month or so because you say the things I'm feeling. So that sounds pretty real to me!

You do need to figure out what's next for you, just as I do, but love lasts. You're still his mum, but you will be other things as well.

I don't think I've phrased any of this very well, but I hope you get what I mean. You usually do. :-) ((HUGS))

fuzzandfuzzlet said...

I am really confident that Trent will not be your only child. Keep your family building options open, there WILL be other babies!

I don`t know you, but I can tell you have a mommies heart, you were born to be a mommy, you were born to nurture a precious baby for more than a few minutes. It may not be easy, it may take time but you WILL have your aching arms filled again.

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