my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

are you over it?

Last week I had what can only be called a nervous breakdown. I could not function. I could not do anything. I went back to my doctor and he changed my meds again. I am feeling more and more like my old self again. Thank goodness!!! I work with kids at the church I attend and missed three days last week. One of the ladies said to me today when she saw me, "You aren't over this yet?" Thank goodness for the new pills or I may have slapped her!!! NO, I will never be over him. I wanted to ask if she was over her children...they are 30 and 35 (I think). You don't get over your kids. You don't ever forget them. Yes, I know the pain will be easier. Yes, I believe we will have other children. But, NO I am sure as heck not over it yet!!!

I found this on another baby loss momma's page and thought it is so fitting. People have said some hurtful things on this journey. And as I read this list I could see the faces or hear the voices of all the people who have done and said these things to me. I know people mean well...but, this is a pain you could never know...unless of course you are one of us. I do think that most people have no idea what to say to us. Here are 20 things...

1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention my son. The truth is just because you never saw him doesn't mean he doesn't deserve your recognition.

2. I wish that if we did talk about my son and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning him. The truth is I need to cry and talk about my baby with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.

3. I wish that you could talk about my baby more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten and that you do care and understand.

4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about my son. The truth is I love my son and need to talk about him.

5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry my baby died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.

6. I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of my baby, the love I feel for my baby, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for my baby are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.

7. I wish you wouldn't pretend that my son never existed. The truth is we both know I had a baby growing inside me.

8. I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.

9. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act.

10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is losing my son doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and like it is my fault.

11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, or years for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be "over" this.

12. I wish you wouldn't think that my son wasn't really a baby and that he was just blood and tissue or a fetus. The truth is my son had human life. My son had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms and a face. I have seen my son, I have held my son, I have kissed my son . My babies were real people - and they were alive.

13. My son's due date was May 9th, Mothers Day, celebration times, the day my son were born Jan 5th, are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter you are thinking of me on these days.

14. I wish you understood that losing my son has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before and will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to ""normal" you will stay frustrated. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the real me-maybe you'll still like me.

15. I wish you wouldn't tell me I could have another baby. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace them. Children aren't interchangeable. Besides, you do not know whether we have fertility problems too. (which I do)

16. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about my son or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are.

17. I wish you wouldn't think that you'll keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.

18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me. And always will be.........

19. I wish you wouldn't say that it's natures way of telling me something was wrong with my baby. The truth is my baby was perfect to me no matter what you think nature is saying.

20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say "next time things will be okay". The truth is how do you know? What will you say if it happens to me again?


Paige said...

trisha- all of these things are said because they feel like they need to say something...and the truth is is that they can only imagine what we have been through and are truly at a loss for words...unless they have been through it they just don't know. they say them trying to make you you feel better..even though they often don't. just know that even if they say the wrong thing...they are saying it because they love you....and be thankful that they don't know...because that means that they have been there too...and we wouldn't wish that upon anyone. i pray for you daily and i know God will continue to heal your heart...

Terra said...

Oh my, I can't believe she said that too you. You are a stronger woman than I to not have given her a lesson in manners!!!

Always thinking and praying for you both!

Lynn said...

Oh Trisha :( I'm so sorry, honey. I really can't believe that woman asked you if you weren't "over it" yet! How could anyone be so insensitive or so blind? You will never be "over it"! How do you get over losing a child? I really am sorry there are so many idiots in the world.

I'm thinking of you, sweetie.

Antoinette said...

Trisha i read this some where too!! I wish I had the memory to know glad you are feeling better xoxoxo

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