my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Sunday, June 13, 2010


Life doesn't always bring the happy ending we were hoping for.

Remember the show "Full House?" They never ended the show with the problem still going on. Danny could always seem to fix it...the soft music would start to play...the girls would listen intently to their dad...and the show would end on a happy note.

I wish life was really like that.

I wish the first time I saw his little heartbeat on that ultrasound screen the joy I felt would have stayed.

I wish the dreams that Ken and I dreamed of him would still be.

I wish I could tie this story up with a nice little bow and move on to the next episode.

But, the truth is over. His life is over. I will forever have his memory. I will forever have him in my heart. But, he is gone. My dreams for him are over. And, sometimes that is the hardest part.

When I was little I dreamed of being a teacher, a wife, a mommy. I dreamed of the perfect wedding day. I dreamed of the perfect husband. I dreamed of the perfect life. None of it has turned out the way I dreamed. I could not have dreamed of a man as amazing as Ken. I could not have dreamed of our life together. I could not have dreamed of the losses we would face together, the tears we would cry, the joy and pain of holding our first child. Those dreams are not meant to be dreamed. None of us dream of this. Sometimes what I dreamed of and what happens...the what happens is better than what I dreamed. But, with Trent the dream was so much better than this life without him. I pray that one day I will have my dream of being a mommy on earth. I know that if that comes true it will be better than I ever could have dreamed.

I love my little boy. I will always love him. I just wanted it to all be different.

my dreams...


michelle hendrix-swords said... too. i want it all to be different, but instead i'm struggling to accept, to tolerate, to just go on living. i think i've quit dreaming - because dreams don't come true (at least not for me)...

i'm so glad that some of your dreams turned out so much better than you dreamed, but i'm so sorry that trent has traveled to the other side of heaven without day you'll be together again.

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