my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Sunday, June 20, 2010

fathers day

I am so mad today. Mad, sad, depressed...all of the above. I guess I could just say welcome to the world of grief. But, today I am really REALLY mad. It is just not fair. It is not fair my husband is spending his first father's day mourning his dead son. It is not fair that not one card in the whole freaking card sections says happy f-ing father's child is dead. It is not fair that everywhere today father's will get free drinks, haircuts, carwashes, icecream...whatever....if their child is with them. Should Ken carry his ashes around today. I am so pissed. I know I am normally trying to put on a happy face...but, today you will not get that from me. Nope, today I plan to wallow and be pissed...all day.

I struggled with the dating scene when I was younger. I had a few boyfriends here and there. But, nothing really serious until I started dating Ken. I am fine with it....but, when it was all going on every Valentine's day was a knife through my heart. Another day reminding me of my failures in love. Another day reminding me that my lonely heart was still lonely....another year later. It was a day I would stay at home. Not go out for dinner. I couldn't stand to see all these couples in love. I hated them all for it. Still, Ken and I celebrate valentine's day at home. I don't feel the need to go out and rub it in everyone's faces that I am in love. On our first Valentine's day Ken sent me the most adorable bear, choclates, and roses to work. The roses were one of those little pots with rose buds in you could plant them and grow them. I loved that idea. I always told him I thought flowers were such a waste of money because they just died. But, all day at work that day my co-workers made fun of me. They had HUGE bouquets of roses on their desks. They were gawking at each other's ... the bigger the better. And, they all laughed at me. If only they knew how bad that hurt. I had waited my whole life to have a valentine and he had thought long and hard about what to send me. It was so very precious to me. But, I was laughed at all day long. I hate them for it. I hate all the times people laughed at me. It is not fair. And, today my anger rages for all the injustices in my life. I normally just bury the hatchet and move on. I try not to harbor feelings of hate. I try to forgive and forget. But, somethings hurt so badly there is not way to move on from it. They change you as a person.

The day my son was born...changed me forever. Holding that precious being that was Ken and I together. Was truly the most amazing moment in my life. He was perfect. He fought for his little life for 22 minutes. He wanted to be here. But, in the end he was too small and sick from the infection. I watched my son take his last breath. I held my child's dead body. I kissed his cold face. I will never be the same woman again. I can't. I can't get over it. I can't move on. I feel like so many people in the world keep expecting me to just move on. To just get over it. I feel like they are laughing at me the same way they laughed at my first Valentine's day. Here we are our first father;s day and our child is dead. The whole world pointing out the most painful thing in the world. The whole world celebrating a day that sticks a knife through my heart. The whole world honoring dads holding their children in their laps. My child is in an urn. My child is gone forever,

I am mad. I am sad. I want a different story. I want to live a different life. I want these tears to stop. I want this pain in my gut to stop. I want to know what if feel like to be normal again.


michelle hendrix-swords said... too! while i don't know the pain of my only child being dead on father's day; i know the pain of seeing my living children and wishing for the one that is dead. i'm sorry that you are so mad, sad, and depressed today. i have definitely gone through my fair share of emotions today and it didn't hit me until i read your post as to is father's day (even though i did call my dad and had my kids tell my husband happy father's day). i know there is nothing i can say or do to make it better, so just know that i'm thinking of you. *HUGS*

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