my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Thursday, June 24, 2010


Music has always been a big part of my life. I can't sing. Well, I can sing along to the radio...when I am alone...Ken doesn't let me sing when he is in the car ;) Yes, I am that bad. But, I was in the band all through middle, high, and college. I played the flute. I played piano for a number of years. Songs have always spoken to me. I am the type of person that when I find a new song I like I just play the CD in my car over and over and over again. When the words touch my heart...I can't let them go.

While I was in the hospital I kept singing Mark Scultz "He's my Son" to myself over and over again. It was on my mind the whole time. We played it at his funeral because I couldn't get it out of my head. I felt it was very very fitting.

I'm down on my knees again tonight
I'm hoping this prayer will turn out right
See there is a boy that needs Your help
I've done all that I can do myself
His mother is tired
I'm sure You can understand

Can You hear me?
Am I getting through tonight?
Can You see him?
Can You make him feel all right?
If You can hear me
Let me take his place somehow
See, he's not just anyone
He's my son

It was written for a boy that had cancer. His mother's prayers were answered...he son survived. Mine did not. I have thought so many times what it would be like had he made it. How much better would my life be if my son was still on this earth? How much joy would Ken and I have had watching him grow into a man. How would I have reacted the first time he fell and hurt himself? How would I have handled it when he was up in the middle of the night sick? I would give my life to know the answers to those questions. I want him back more than anything in this world. Someone told me today that my heart will always hurt...scar tissue will grow over the gapping wound that is there now...but, it will always hurt. I just hope it doesn't hurt this much. I wouldn't change having him. I wouldn't change it...because I am more blessed by his 22 minutes than I can even put into words. Children change you...and losing a child makes you someone not even near the same as before. I know that my God could have saved him. I know that He could have answered my prayers. But, that was not His plan for my family.

There is a story in the Old Testament in the book of Daniel that tells about King Nebuchadnezzar and the fake idol he built. He ordered everyone to come and bow down and worship this idol. He said that anyone that did not fall on their knees and worship would be thrown in the fiery furnance. But there were three men that would not worship they were Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego. They stood before the King and were asked if they would worship this is how they answered...

"O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up." (Daniel 3:17-19)

Did you get that...But even if He does not Even if God didn't rescue them they would not worship this false idol. Even if their prayers were not God's will they would still worship Him.

They were thrown into the furnance. But, they survived. They walked out without even a cinged hair on their head. When the King saw this he said

"Then Nebuchadnezzar said, "Praise be to the God of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, who has sent his angel and rescued his servants! They trusted in him and defied the king's command and were willing to give up their lives rather than serve or worship any god except their own God. Therefore I decree that the people of any nation or language who say anything against the God of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego be cut into pieces and their houses be turned into piles of rubble, for no other god can save in this way." (Daniel 3:29-30)

Their faith showed the King that their God was real. The idol was false.

but even if He does not

That is where I am. His will was not to save my son. His will was not to answer my prayer in the way I wanted him. But, I refuse to give up hope. I refuse to give up my faith.

The song that has been stuck in my head for the last few days is by Natalie Grant "Held" here are a few of the lyrics...

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held

This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow

This new life...this life without my son...this is what it means to be held.

The sacred has been torn from my life.

And I have survived.

I have found out through friends, family, and even strangers that only know me through my grief and loss...I have found out what it is to be loved.

And, more than God is holding me.

This is what it means to be held...

and even if He does not


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