my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

out

Some days I feel like God picked the wrong person for this.

I think He thought I am stronger than I really am.

This road is a hard one.

This journey is one I would like to not be on.

When I was little my family drove from Atlanta, GA to Indianapolis, IN to visit family for Christmas. It was a long, LONG trip. We never believed in Santa because we opened our gifts from our parents a week before Christmas. There are many many disasters that I could tell you about...like the year my dad rented an RV and it broke down in the middle of the night about an hour outside of Indy. It was snowing and freezing and my dad was sure that we would freeze to death. I could tell you about the time we saw an accident on the way that a child died in. I could tell you the story of the time my dad didn't want to stop to let my mom go to the bathroom so she went in a cup and threw it out the window. (Yes, I am still traumatized by that one) But, I want to tell you about the Christmas of 5th grade. I was sick. Very, very sick. The drive is about 20 hours. I have one older brother and four younger siblings. However, in the 5th grade 2 of those were not born yet. It was a long, hard drive. I felt so miserable. I couldn't get out of the van at any of our stops. I couldn't eat or drink. I was miserable. I wanted to be anywhere but in that van. I wanted to be home in my bed...not in that van with loud little kids, freezing cold weather, and being sick sick sick. I wanted out. It ended up that I had pneumonia. I was out of school for 3 weeks when we got back home.

I feel the same way now. I want out. I want to be anywhere but here.

But, here I am.

I think God picked the wrong person.

I want my son.

2 comments:

Michelle Karr said...

Trisha, I have had those days too. I will be praying for you during this time. During these times we must cling to the promises of God and know that He is there even when we can't feel Him. The clouds can get very dark during a thunderstorm, but the sun (Son) is always shining hehind them, even when there is no rainbow in sight. (((HUGS)))

lis said...

i personally don't think god picked you. i think there is no rhyme or reason to what we have lived through. i don't think god's hand caused you to get an infection any more than he caused me or someone else to.

in any case, i am glad that you have him to comfort you in the aftermath. this is such a hard life to live and im sure there are times that he gives you comfort.
xoxo

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