my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Wednesday, June 23, 2010


Some random thoughts...

I have had so much on my heart...and somedays no words to say it all.

Father's day was hard. But, every single day is hard. I wish it could have been a better day. I hope and pray that we will one day celebrate a father's day with a child living on the earth.

I have said before, but will say again, I am the director of a soup kitchen. I love my job. It is an amazing ministry. At Christmas we provided Christmas gifts for six families. We are currently doing back to schol shopping for 25 kids. I love shopping...which makes it even more fun. However, shopping for that many pairs of shoes and all those clothes draws questions. At Walmart today I bought 102 items of clothes, socks, underwear...back to school stuff. The cashier asked, "How many kids do you have?" Why oh why....I said I have one son...before I could even say anything else she said "how old is he?" Ugh...I said "He is already in heaven." The conversation continued. She went on to tell me that in 1992 her 20 year old son was murdered. She said 18 years later she still cries for him, still misses him, still grieves for him. She said to me, "at least you know you are not alone...I know your pain." It was so very sweet. It is what we all want. We want people to know our children. People to remember them.

It has been almost six months. I wish I could say it is all easier. I wish I could say I have moved on. The truth is sometimes it is even harder now. I see babies his age and cry. I can't explain the grief. It is all consuming at times. It is part of my ever day life.

Today I got my nails done with my little sister who is visiting from Florida. The lady asked me, "Is she your daughter?" Umh, first I would like to say I am 30 and she is 16...hello I didn't even know how it all worked at 14. Do I look old enough to have a 16 year old? Anyway, she then asked if I had know the rest. She told me she had a baby that was 2 months old. I told her we must have been pregnant at the same time. Trent should be about that old now. She was born right around his due date. She went on and on about how cute she was, how much she loved her, how she feels when she holds her. I had to stop talking. Truth is I was jealous. I am not a jealous person. But, I was so jealous that she got to go home to her baby tonight.

I know lots of random thoughts.

But, this week I have been asked more times than I have in a long time "how many kids do you have?" It is so hard to answer.


Melissa said...

Those questions are so hard, especially when you are not expecting it. I love the truck background on your blog - makes me think of little boys.

klarsen said...

It's amazing the compassion you were shown from the women who had lost versus the obliviousness of the women whose baby is here. How cruel of her to brag lke that in your face. Praying for God's peace for you always. xxx

Andrea said...

I can't believe the nails lady went on about her unsensitive that was. I don't like the question how many fact, I have avoided some social settings just so that I don't have to talk about what happened to "strangers" who are just being nosy. I love that the lady at Walmart shared her experience with you. When others share, I don't feel so alone with my grief. I hope that next week brings a reprieve from these questions... Hugs!

fuzzandfuzzlet said...

I went through a stage in my life where I found it necessary to clarify the difference between jealousy and envy. To me jealousy means you wish you had it INSTEAD of the other person, envy means you wish you had it too. I think it is normal for you to envy those that get to hold their babies.

Today I went to a cemetery to see a friends daughters marker. (I had not yet seen it) While I was there I walked through baby land. On one headstone there were fresh flowers. The date of death (and birth) on the marker was 1967. I presume the flowers were from the mother, who misses her baby boy as much today as she did 40 something years ago.

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