my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Friday, June 4, 2010

the way it is

Another sleepless night...but, I got a lot of good thinkin done ;)

I posted the other day about the woman who asked if I was over it yet...and Paige responded to me that most people don't know what to say and how we feel. I have thought a lot about that for the last five months...but, last night around 3 am I figured out how to look at it...

When I was in high school I was very active in the youth group. After high school I was in full time youth minstry as I put myself through college and have been in some sort of ministry postion every since. In my youth and days leading youth I did A LOT of mission trips. (A mission trip is when you load up the van, bus, airplane, ship (yes, I even took a cruise to the Bahamas on one mission trip), whatever and head out to help people less fortunate than yourself. The things is I always came back with more than I felt I had given. These trips are truly life changing. I travled to the Bahamas, North Carolina, Georgia, Florida, and (well no sleep and no coffee yet are preventing me from remembering the rest) doesn't matter...not the point. My point is...when we arrive in these places...some just hours away from our homes. I saw conditions that I didn't know exsisted in the United States. In the Bahamas everyone thinks of it as a tropical paradise but we saw families of four, five, six, seven people living in little huts with no floor and no water and no power. In Atlanta we saw houses that the subflooring had fallen out and the people who lived there just stepped over it. In one of the places the family used a pickle bucket to go to the bathroom...and then took it out and buried it. This is right here at home. Conditions that would amaze you. Things we didn't know happened right here in the United States. People living in poverty. People living in filth. People living without hope. On one trip we built a wheel chair ramp for man who could not get out of his house because it was all steps. The list could go on and on...but, my point is. I sit here in my airconditioned house, on my computer, my coffee soon brewing, I just had a hot shower, and again I could go on and on about my comforts. But, there are people this morning ... our neighbors, people we may even work with...who have nothing. And we can't understand. Yes, I know many people make the choice to live that way. I am now the director of a soup kitchen and every single night I see people come in who can't eat any where else. Kids, adults, elderly, families, single people, homeless people. And every night I can't understand how it can get that bad. But, we feed them. And this is right here in my home town...100 people a night on average. I don't get it.

Here is my point. In this new life...the life after you lose a child. People can see you. They can try and help you. They can walk away from you changed by what they see in you...but, they can't understand. They don't what we feel. They don't know what we have seen. They don't know how it feels to pick out your child's urn or coffin. They don't know what it is like to sign your child's birth and death certificate in two days time. But, we do. And, the truth is I don't want them to know. I don't want anyone to join us.

I think you see my point...we live in the midst of people every single day who don't have the basic needs of life...and because we have never walked that road we can't understand what their life is like. And we walk among the living and think about the dead. People pass us in the stores, honk at us when we get lost because we have forgotten our way again, get mad at us when they have to fill in at work because we couldn't make it out of bed...they can't imagine...they can't understand. But, they come by bus, car, plane, boat to comfort us. They are here for us...in the only way they know how.

At the end of each trip I got to go home. Wash my clothes and get back to life. But, I left those people there...still searching for meaning. It is the same with us...people are loving us back to life, helping us, caring for us...but, at the end of the day they will go home, hug their children...and we will be here still searching.

So, I will try not to be offended by people...they have never been here.

8 comments:

michelle hendrix-swords said...

yeah, i like your thinking. that really makes a lot of sense!

Antoinette said...

you could NOT have said it better...its a shame though to think that people who have had to lose a child and the dreams and hopes CANT be understood unless you have been there...what can we do? we at least all have eachother xoxo

Monica said...

I was sent over by Michelle Hendrix Swords. This is so well written!! Great perspective!!

Melissa said...

This is a wonderful post, it is so true. When people say ridiculous things - I just try to think, if they only knew - but at the same time I hope they never know.

Girl in the dark said...

Found your blog through another, this is very well said and very true.

Anonymous said...

This is one of the best things I've read recently, Trisha. Your perspective is honest and real and I appreciate that. I can sense the growth in you and I know God is using you for other people too. You've got the support of more people than you realize (myself included)...keep reflecting, and keep pressing on. <3

naomi said...

what an uplifing blog. so beautiful and very real. thank you Trisha :)

Anonymous said...

You are so right. I have never lost a baby but in a way I lost much more I had to have a hysterectomy before I ever got a chance to get pregnant. I can't imagine your pain as I am sure it is huge. I know mine is knowing I will never be called mom in any sense of the word. You are in my prayers. I am sorry for your loss

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