my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Saturday, June 19, 2010

what if...again

The past couple of days I have really struggled with the "what if's" I had them really bad right after Trent was born. All the "what if's" about my pregnancy and those eight awful days at the hospital. But, I let them go after a while and knew I could not change any of it. But, now my what if's are, "what if Trent was here this morning..waking me up with that amazing sound of crying for his mommy" "what if we had him with us when we ventured to the mall" "what if he was here for me to dress and love and kiss" How much different would my life be today if I was caring for a newborn instead of grieving for one. Maybe it is because I had my little niece with us all last week. It was so different to have an infant in my house. I had planned on it and then put all of that away when Trent died. My house is always neat. The dishes always done. There are no toys laying around. There is not an endless pile of bottles in the sink needing washed. There is no need for diapers. There is no reason to have to take the really bad ones out to the dumpster. There is not the constant happiness that a baby brings. There is heartache. There are tears. There is pain. I want him here.


Jill said...

I have all the same 'what if's' and I always am wondering. xx

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