my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Friday, July 30, 2010

before

Sometimes it is hard to remember who I was before I lost Trent. My world was a very different place. It was filled with joy and laughter. It was filled with taking care of my husband, loving on my nieces and nephews, being a friend, a daughter, and chasing after the heart of God.

Many of those things are still here...they are just different now. I know that I will never be the same Trisha that everyone knew. I know that my world will never be the same again. But, through this tragic loss I have learned somethings that make me even better, stronger, more loving than I was before.

I had no idea how fragile life is. I don't take advantage of it anymore. I have been overweight my entire adult life. In March, about 10 weeks after I lost Trent, I had gotten to my heaviest ever. Food has always been a comfort for me. It was the only thing that seemed the same...so I ate...a lot. When I was getting dressed one morning and realized that NOTHING would fit I was a little pissed. I went shopping and bought some size 26 clothes (if you are not a plus size woman...this is a BIG size). I decided that day that I couldn't live like this. That my life meant more than just food and being fat. I knew that God had kept me alive in that hospital when I was so close to death that I had a reason to keep living. I joined the gym that week. I changed everything about the way I ate. I didn't call it a diet...I was a different person after losing Trent...I might as well look different too.

Fast forward to this morning on my scale...65 lbs lighter than I started! 65 that is a big number. I am so proud of myself. I have never succeeded at weight loss. I sent all of my bigger sizes to some friends and vowed I would never wear them again (even during future pregnancies) I have on a size 18 pair of pants today. AND (this is huge if you are or have been plus size) a shirt from Old Navy. NOT a plus size shirt, not a shirt I had to buy from a big girls store...a shirt I walked into a normal, everyday store for normal size people and bought! I have a very long way to go. I would like to lose 60 more pounds. But, for today I will rejoice in these 65 pounds.

I am a new woman...and I plan to live this life that I still have honoring my boy in any way I can!

Thursday, July 29, 2010

remember

Remember when we were little and our parents told us we could be anything we wanted if we just put our mind to it?

At that point my thoughts were always 'I want to be a teacher and a mommy.' I changed the teacher into ministry and the mommy part has stayed...

But, the truth is we can't just set our minds to this. Those of us with infertility issues, it has nothing to do with our mind set. I have heard SO many times things like - just take a vacation you will get pregnant, just relax, just stop thinking about it.

My body doesn't work that way. I don't just get to think really hard and make it happen. I need help.

And, even after we achieved the getting pregnant part my body still failed me.

I was determined in that hospital bed that I would do everything to keep my little peanut safe and alive.

But, that didn't happen.

My mind is set on being a mommy to a baby on earth...I just wish that is all it took!

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

lost count

I've lost count.

I used to know each Tuesday how many weeks it had been since I held him.

I've lost count.

I feel like an awful mom.

I know the day, the time, the year...I just lost count of the weeks.

Tuesday's are always the hardest day of the week for me.

It was the day he was born.

The day we said goodbye.

I've lost count.

Too many heartbreaking weeks later...he is still gone.

I've lost count...

of the tears
of how many sleepless nights
of the moments I yearned for him
of the number of time my heart seems to shatter again
of how many times I was so overcome with grief I didn't think I would live anymore
of the number of women who have lived through this hell
of how unfair it is
of the weeks.

But, I will never lose my love for him.

He will always be missing from my life.

Friday, July 23, 2010

perfect hands

Why oh why is this so very hard?

I can tell you...part of me is missing.

A few days ago I was talking with a fellow BLM about a walk that will happen in Midland on Oct 15. We talked about that the proceeds will go to start some memory boxes for our local hospital. I am lucky (that is not really the right word) to have delivered my precious Trent at a hospital that had amazing memory boxes. It means so very much to me.

I remember the day I left the hospital...they rolled me out to my sisters waiting car...all the moms around me carrying their precious babies....I just had a memory box and a memory of the most precious 22 minutes I would ever have. How could it be? His little life in one tiny box. Every time we move I think how sad it is to see our life packed up in boxes. But, Trent only got on box. When we were talking we both said the one thing we didn't get was their hand prints. Oh how I wish I had those precious hand prints.

As I left that day all I could think about were his little hands. They were so tiny but oh so perfect. He held my hand with that tiny hand. He opened and closed them. And, after he passed I just kept rubbing his little hands. How do you say goodbye? How can it be these little hands I will never kiss again?

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in the fact that he is gone...I forget to remember the moments I had with him. He lived his whole life with love surrounding him. He went peacefully into the arms of Jesus. And, his hands were perfect. He was perfect.

I miss him so very much. I can't believe we are almost to 7 months. I didn't think I could live again in the days and weeks Trent died.

My sweet baby boy,

Mommy still misses you every single day. I long for you in my arms. I would love to be taking pictures and sending them to you grandma's. How is heaven? I hope you save a place for me. I would love to be there with you but, for now I will stay here with daddy and try to make you a big brother. You will always be my first true love. I don't know how I go on without you. But, I will always love you. As long as I live, my baby you'll be.

Love,

Mommy


Tuesday, July 20, 2010

6 months 2 weeks and 2 days

I am a worrier and planner by nature. I worry over everthing and want everything planned perfectly. Well, we know that the perfect part never happens. Lately I have worried that people are judging me that I still cry over my son. I worry that I shouldn't still miss him as bad as I do. I worry it is not okay for me to still cry. I know it sounds silly. But, I am also a people pleaser and I feel like I need to do this "grieving" right. It's crazy, I know. I just can't figure all of it out. I guess if I am wrong about any of it I feel like I am discrediting his life.

Today was unuasul for me. Trent came up so many more times than normal. So many questions today, so many tears. I filled out a form to join the CVS super savings club (or what ever it is called) and one question was "how many kids do you have?" and "what are their ages." I just stood there frozen ... I felt like it was an hour just staring at that paper. The cashier thought I was nuts...she asked if I needed help reading it....NO!!! I told her that I lost my son recently and she said "oh well they just send you coupons and stuff for their age group so just skip it." Just skip it? Why is that so hard for me? I can't skip it...he was here. He is my son. I can't skip it. I circled the less than one box.

This morning at church I was talking to a friend and we were talking about pregnancies and how difficult hers had been. She already knew what had happened with Trent...but, when I shared the story of his last breath I just started crying again. How can I say those words? How is it that I have to tell people that my son has taken his last breath? It isn't right. It isn't fair. None of us should have to watch our children take their last breath. None of us should have to say goodbye...forever.

I am the Executive Director of a soup kitchen (which I think I have mentioned before). We are doing back to school clothes and supplies for our kids that come and eat at the soup kitchen. I had a mom approach me tonight and ask if she could add her kids. I had her come in the office so I could get the form. I asked her how many kids she had and she said 6 here and 1 in heaven. (only two are school age so I don't have that much shopping to do) But, I of course asked her about the one in heaven. She was born with heart problems and only lived four days. I asked if she still missed her and she said every single day. I asked how long ago was it and she said 14 years ago. She made me feel a little less worried.

I am heart broken and my life feels like it has been shattered so badly I will never put it back together. I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to get over it. I don't know how to live without him.

I wish it was all easier. I wish I had the answers. I wish I could hold him one more time.




This is my son. This is the reason I continue on. He gave my life meaning and I plan on sharing him with the world. I will always be his mommy. But, oh how I hurt for him. I want to feel him in my arms again. I want to kiss his little face again.

My sweet baby boy....mommy misses you so very much
.

Friday, July 16, 2010

so very hard

When I was pregnant with Trent I read every single pregnancy book I could get my hands on. I loved it. I loved reading what was going on in my body. I loved know how my little peanut was growing. I loved rubbing my belly and knowing I was growing a little person. I loved when my husband would talk to him. I ALWAYS skipped the parts of the books about labor and delivery. I was really scared of that part. You always here horror stories of how hard labor is. I just thought I would deal with it when it came. I didn't want to know all of that. I always thought I would be able to handle it because I would have a baby at the end of it.

I did have a baby...but, he isn't here anymore.

I read on a BLM blog today a quote from nip/tuck. I have never seen the show but it was from a mom that was turning her daughters life support off..."I thought the hardest thing in this world would be giving birth, little did I know it would be saying goodbye."

The labor was easy compared to this journey of grief. And really my labor wasn't easy at all. I was in full, active labor for 14 hours with no drugs and no assistance. They would not help with my labor unless I signed papers that I was aborting my pregnancy. It wasn't until the infection was in my blood and very close to killing me that they finally helped with labor. But, none of that even compares. The goodbye was harder than I could have ever imagined. The loss greater than I can even fully understand. The goodbye will haunt me all the days of my life.

I was at Walmart yesterday and this mom with two kids were walking into the store. I didn't even notice them until the mom yelled, "Hurry up boy or they are going to run your fat ass over!" I looked over and of course the mother was overweight and the little boy was four or five and pretty big. I thought "You are his mom, you pick what you feed him...how can you call him a fat ass?" But, I would guess she didn't have to fight for her kids as much as we have. I guess she doesn't know what a gift they are. I just don't understand why she gets two and I get none.

It happens every day...I encounter people...I just don't get it.

It is so very hard to not become bitter about the whole thing...but, I try daily.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

no happy endings

Here I sit, another Tuesday upon me.

Tuesday...the day he lived and died.

Tuesday...the day my life fell apart.

Tuesday...the day my dreams were shattered.

Tuesday...the day my heart was broken in such a way that it can never be whole again.

I will never be complete again. I will never be "me" again. I will always bear the mark of a mom whose baby is in heaven. Oh how my heart aches for him. My soul longs to hold him...to know him...to kiss him. It just isn't fair. In my world there are no happy endings. My life isn't a fairy tale. It will end with the same pain that I have now. Even if we have more kids...Trent will always be gone.


I didn't have the best childhood ever. I have an older brother who hates me. He has hated me from the moment I came into the world. When I was an infant he tried to suffacate me with a pillow, as a toddler he put me in a spining chair to see if he could crack my head open, as a young child he slammed doors on my fingers and made me lay in front of them to see if I would get a black eye. He locked me in closets, he choked me, he made the top bunk fall on me, he broke my finger...the list of physical abuse could go on and on. My parents tried to stop it...but, he was such a good liar... The physical part really didn't hurt as much as the emotional abuse he gave me. For as long as I can remember my brother has said hateful, awful things to me. He always told me my brain didn't work like others, that I didn't belong in this world. He told me almost daily that I had no reason to be alive. He would tell me that no one would ever love me because of what I was. He beat me with his words. After years and years of this you start to believe it. I really thought I was worth nothing. I truly thought I should not be on this earth. He once told me that I was like a weed in the family and I should be picked and thrown away. These things have left deep, deep scars. I try every single day to please people...just to know I mean something.

In the weeks after Trent was born and died his words haunted me. Maybe he was right. Maybe the world would have been better without me. If I was never born...this pain would not be here. If I had listened to him all the times he told me I should be put in a mental hospital maybe my family wouldn't feel the pain of losing Trent. I can still hear him saying these things. I can still feel the hurt in my heart. I can still feel myself falling apart because of it.

But, God put me here. He has a reason for me. He created me for something special.

When I was 18 I meet a guy named Jason. We became good friends. He became my spiritual advisor. I had grown up in church but never really chased Christ until I meetn Jason. He poured his life into mine. He gave me hope that I did mean something. He prayed with me, for me, over me. He helped me see meaning in the Word. One night he walked over to my apartment and asked if we could take a walk. We went and sat on the playground and talked and talked. He told me that night that he had been walking around our apartment complex with me on his mind and heart. He told me that God had been telling him to come and talk to me. He said, "God has called you to something special." At the very moment he said those words a bug bite me (I even have a scar from it) I remember feeling alive for the first time ever. Here is this person who has walked for hours with me on his heart. Here is God picking me out for something. I didn't know at the time what that was...but, I am trying to figure it out.

I was shopping last week and the clerk asked if we had kids. I told her we had one son in heaven. After many questions and answers about the whole thing she walked around the counter, with tears in her eyes, and huged me. She said, "God picked you for this...He knew you would share Him with the world." I cried all the way home.

I am here for a reason. God did make me for something special. I am wanted. I am not crazy. I fight those demons from my brother every single day...and one day I hope they are gone forever.

I was chosen to be Trent's mommy. As hard as it might be...I will continue to praise my God through it all...in hopes that someone else knows He cares.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

New Mexico

Yesterday I drove from Midland, TX to Albquerque, NM to meet up with a girl friend from high school. I did a lot of thinking on the way over (I will post more about that later). When I arrived at the airport to pick her up I couldn't stop thinking how much better it would be if I was introducing her to Trent.

But, other than that we are having a good time. It is wonderful to be out of town and out of the groove of things. I needed this. I needed to get out of the grief pattern (if you are a BLM you know excatly what I mean). Sometimes I just need to get away.

We took a hot air ballon ride today....AMAZING. (pictures to come soon)

Glad to be relaxing...glad to spend some time with a good friend...

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

6m1d

For the last six months and one day I feel like a soda bottle that is already full to the top...I am full of grief, sorrow, misery, a little hope for the future...and if you shake me even just a little I will explode.

I hate it. I hate that I can't seem to get a handle on my emotions. The littlest things set me off. I was NEVER like this before.

I am trying so very hard.

Today I will try to contain myself.

Today I will try to notice all the things that used to make me smile.

Today I will focus on the good.... I was blessed with a beautiful baby boy, I have an amazing husband, I have a job that I love, I have a wonderful network of people that care and pray for me, I have a family that lets me just call and cry when I need to.

We live in a broken world....but for today I will try to see only the parts that have been taped back together

Monday, July 5, 2010

6 months

6 months

26 weeks

181 days

4,344 hours

260,640 minutes

15,638,400 seconds

and still no closer to the end

my whole life will be a countdown of the time he was here

my whole heart will hurt every second, minute, hour, day, week, month, year



Heartstrings
By Judi Walker


A mother's love knows no bounds,
No stronger bond can be found,
Mother and child are connected from the start,
There is a string from heart to heart.

Nothing can break this heartstring,
No matter what the future may bring,
A mother loves her child forever,
The heartstrings hold them together.

It is a love of the sweetest kind,
There is nothing more beautiful you will ever find,
And even death cannot break this bond,
It knows no earthly ties, it is here and beyond.

We are connected to our children forever by this love,
Even when God calls them to this home above,
Nothing can change this love, not time, nor words or even
Death bitter sting,
We are connected forever by the "HEARTSTRINGS"

Saturday, July 3, 2010

almost six months

Six months ago tonight i was laying in a hospital bed begging God for my sons life.

Six months ago tonight I was hearing his heartbeat for one of the last times.

Six months ago tonight I was being given another round of drugs to keep labor away and retract my bag.

Six months ago tonight I had a shred of hope left.

Two days later it was all over. You know the end.

Except it wasn't the end...it was the beginning of one of the hardest things I have ever faced. It is a road that I trip on every single day. It is a rocky road with many potholes. I trip and continue to reopen the wound over and over again. It can't seem to heal. It tries. But so many things rip it back open.

My heart aches for him. My soul feels empty without him. My mind can't seem to grasp that he is gone forever.

I don't want to be counting down to the six month anniversary of his death.

I want to be taking pictures of him. I want to be nursing him. I want to be shopping for cute little outfits. I want to be holding him. I want to look into his eyes and know that he is mine. I want to give him all my love. I want to watch him grow. I will never have it.

I don't know how to heal the wound. I don't know how to walk this road without tripping and falling. I don't know how to stop loving and hurting so much.
 
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