my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

6 months 2 weeks and 2 days

I am a worrier and planner by nature. I worry over everthing and want everything planned perfectly. Well, we know that the perfect part never happens. Lately I have worried that people are judging me that I still cry over my son. I worry that I shouldn't still miss him as bad as I do. I worry it is not okay for me to still cry. I know it sounds silly. But, I am also a people pleaser and I feel like I need to do this "grieving" right. It's crazy, I know. I just can't figure all of it out. I guess if I am wrong about any of it I feel like I am discrediting his life.

Today was unuasul for me. Trent came up so many more times than normal. So many questions today, so many tears. I filled out a form to join the CVS super savings club (or what ever it is called) and one question was "how many kids do you have?" and "what are their ages." I just stood there frozen ... I felt like it was an hour just staring at that paper. The cashier thought I was nuts...she asked if I needed help reading it....NO!!! I told her that I lost my son recently and she said "oh well they just send you coupons and stuff for their age group so just skip it." Just skip it? Why is that so hard for me? I can't skip it...he was here. He is my son. I can't skip it. I circled the less than one box.

This morning at church I was talking to a friend and we were talking about pregnancies and how difficult hers had been. She already knew what had happened with Trent...but, when I shared the story of his last breath I just started crying again. How can I say those words? How is it that I have to tell people that my son has taken his last breath? It isn't right. It isn't fair. None of us should have to watch our children take their last breath. None of us should have to say goodbye...forever.

I am the Executive Director of a soup kitchen (which I think I have mentioned before). We are doing back to school clothes and supplies for our kids that come and eat at the soup kitchen. I had a mom approach me tonight and ask if she could add her kids. I had her come in the office so I could get the form. I asked her how many kids she had and she said 6 here and 1 in heaven. (only two are school age so I don't have that much shopping to do) But, I of course asked her about the one in heaven. She was born with heart problems and only lived four days. I asked if she still missed her and she said every single day. I asked how long ago was it and she said 14 years ago. She made me feel a little less worried.

I am heart broken and my life feels like it has been shattered so badly I will never put it back together. I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to get over it. I don't know how to live without him.

I wish it was all easier. I wish I had the answers. I wish I could hold him one more time.

This is my son. This is the reason I continue on. He gave my life meaning and I plan on sharing him with the world. I will always be his mommy. But, oh how I hurt for him. I want to feel him in my arms again. I want to kiss his little face again.

My sweet baby boy....mommy misses you so very much


Antoinette said...

Oh Trisha, i know that feeling too well..sometimes i even feel like the BLM community thinks I should be at a level that im not...these are our babies...its not something that can be overlooked sometimes...I wonder sometimes about the ones that say it is better....HOW is it better...even on the days I am not crying all day...I still think of her and miss her and I just dont get it....I am heartbroken for alyssa EVERY day of my life. There is not a day that has come where I dont feel a part of me missing and even if I have 200 rainbows...the first color of that rainbow is missing in my eyes...and so its never going to be complete...she may have been my first daughter, my first loss, but I always thought of her as a rainbow to me...she brought so much love into my life...even at the hard times, i knew good times would come when she was here...I sit here sometimes and cant believe she is gone, she wont come home and THIS is what I have to live with...i know that pain sweetie...and it SUCKS!!!

fuzzandfuzzlet said...

I think any mom that has lost a child would tell you that what you are going through is normal. To not be so hard on yourself. To allow yourself to grieve at YOUR pace.

I think that those of us that have not lost a child will tell you that you are living our worst fear. We will tell you that we can not imagine how you do it. I can`t breath just thinking of it.

Part of being a mommy is letting go of what people think and doing what is right for YOU and YOUR family. You are grieving in a way what is right for YOU, you are honoring Trent`s memory in a way that is right for YOUR family.

I work for a school that is 98% free and reduced lunch. I love it that you are helping kids go back to school with what they need. It is an important, oft over looked mission.

lis said...

and hugs

i love your new background

Anonymous said...

I don't know what to say except to give you a hugs. ((HUGS))

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