my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Saturday, July 3, 2010

almost six months

Six months ago tonight i was laying in a hospital bed begging God for my sons life.

Six months ago tonight I was hearing his heartbeat for one of the last times.

Six months ago tonight I was being given another round of drugs to keep labor away and retract my bag.

Six months ago tonight I had a shred of hope left.

Two days later it was all over. You know the end.

Except it wasn't the was the beginning of one of the hardest things I have ever faced. It is a road that I trip on every single day. It is a rocky road with many potholes. I trip and continue to reopen the wound over and over again. It can't seem to heal. It tries. But so many things rip it back open.

My heart aches for him. My soul feels empty without him. My mind can't seem to grasp that he is gone forever.

I don't want to be counting down to the six month anniversary of his death.

I want to be taking pictures of him. I want to be nursing him. I want to be shopping for cute little outfits. I want to be holding him. I want to look into his eyes and know that he is mine. I want to give him all my love. I want to watch him grow. I will never have it.

I don't know how to heal the wound. I don't know how to walk this road without tripping and falling. I don't know how to stop loving and hurting so much.


Antoinette said...

=***( oh Trisha, this is all how I feel too..."HOW" does this doesnt truly heal, at least i dont think so. How can it..these are our babies...6 months!! that is half a year without him in your arms...that seems like an eternity and yet it JUST happened...this road is worse than rocky and worse than potholes..its like the canyons...the holes are so deep and i feel like with every step forward there are 55 steps back...I pray for your peace and i pray for all of us to get peace with this...thinking of you and Trent tonight....Happy first forth of July in Heaven Trent, and Happy 6 months...I hope all of you are having a BIG party...xoxo

Jana Farley said...

Praying for you, sweet Trisha! My heart aches for you and the pain...Remember the verse-Come to me all who are heavy laden and I will give you rest.

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