my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

lost count

I've lost count.

I used to know each Tuesday how many weeks it had been since I held him.

I've lost count.

I feel like an awful mom.

I know the day, the time, the year...I just lost count of the weeks.

Tuesday's are always the hardest day of the week for me.

It was the day he was born.

The day we said goodbye.

I've lost count.

Too many heartbreaking weeks later...he is still gone.

I've lost count...

of the tears
of how many sleepless nights
of the moments I yearned for him
of the number of time my heart seems to shatter again
of how many times I was so overcome with grief I didn't think I would live anymore
of the number of women who have lived through this hell
of how unfair it is
of the weeks.

But, I will never lose my love for him.

He will always be missing from my life.

1 comments:

Danae said...

I couldn't agree with this post any more than I already do.

Being pregnant, weeks were easy to count...it was something I told people ALL the time..."I'm __ weeks".

For the first 8 weeks after Bailey's death, I could tell people the amount of weeks. And now, I can't. And I can barely think of how many weeks pregnant I would have been.

It's unfair that we should have to lose this much.

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